I JUST DON’T KNOW
Written: January 21st, 2018 (PM)
I always hate to admit it, but my body still can’t handle a full day of anything. I have been absolutely thrilled today to celebrate all God has done in just 4 years of Refuge Church’s existence. However, most of my spine can’t even be touched it’s so sore and painful. My lower body feels like I’ve been climbing the highest mountain and was kicked every step of the way. Don’t worry, I have taken the good medicine that should have me knocked out cold eventually.
But, I have to tell you that I wonder often what the future holds. I’ve been told twice in the past year alone by one doctor that I’m officially disabled due to nerve damage. Yes, I can still walk, talk and I’m not about to die. But, this nerve issue just isn’t going away based on anything man can do. In fact, eventually I will likely need more surgery to fuse the discs above my recent fusion. Therefore, all I can seek to do is contain things with medication, my stimulator, and daily regiment.
Now, I can tell you that being told at almost 43 years of age you’re gonna potentially be disabled the rest of your life is very hard to swallow. In fact, at times it’s hard to say it out loud and not just start crying your eyes out. But, I can tell you that I’m doing everything I can to not live with a disabled mindset. God keeps putting it on my heart that despite my inabilities I can rest fully in His unlimited abilites.
Presently, I feel all I have to offer is my mind and heart to God. Fortunately those two things have only gotten stronger in recent days. However, my back and body have proven to disappoint me time and time again. So, I’ve decided that all I can do is what I’ve done the past almost 43 years. I’ve got to trust God even when I don’t understand, don’t know how, and don’t know what lies ahead. Because worrying about these things changes nothing but my stress level. I don’t have a clue what the future holds, but I know who holds my future.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God[a] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” (Matthew 6:31-33)