That Old Familiar Feeling

Chronic pain by definition is pain that is ongoing for six months or more. I guess have it since it’s been wrecking my life and nervous system for over 2 1/2 years. I have not been sleeping soundly lately. My medications are making me dream constantly and feel like I’m semi-awake most of night. This morning I was about an hour late taking my morning medication and it’s amazing how that still makes me feel. 

I woke up feeling like my entire insides are out of whack. Those same old raw feelings I’ve had for so long underneath my skin are still there. I guess such a big part of me wants to believe at least some of it has gone away. Then, I realize that my medications are only covering a little bit of it up. Based on the sensations alone it seems nothing has truly changed after 32 1/2 months. 

Sure, I’ve heard the doctors say I’ve got permanent nerve damage. Or that the stimulator was my last option at relief. I know in my head they can only try and manage the pain. Yet, it’s so hard to swallow the truth. Moving that information from my head to my heart is a very long journey. I’m still not sure I’m totally there in acceptance. I feel like I can’t if I’m to keep seeking to recover. If I’m to keep the faith things can change. This old familiar feeling is so not welcome because with it is that old familiar pain. Pain that only God knows if it will ever end this side of Heaven. 

“At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly.” (Job 30:17)

“Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak. Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.”

(Psalm 6:2)