Taking The Mask Off

Well, the good news is I’m making some progress. The bad news is the past few days have been absolutely miserable. Honestly, I hate how extreme chronic pain torments and discourages you. Even when you’re full of faith it just stomps continuously on your heart. The longer the pain lingers the lower you feel inside. In fact, you can quickly find yourself in a very dangerous mental state.

Fortunately, I’m not new to this rodeo called severe chronic pain. I know it’s full of constant ups and downs. However, I just didn’t see this coming again. It appears that my spinal stimulator has been over stimulating me for days. So, I’ve had to turn it off some and only run it half as strong as normal. In order to not constantly feel fried inside, I’m having to deal with more pain than normal.

I think it’s days like today that really break my heart. It’s my 26th wedding anniversary and here I am again feeling like a shell of myself. Many birthdays and anniversaries have felt ruined in the past as well. Lord knows, I’ve had so many improved days in the past and I’m so thankful for them all. But, the present pain makes me feel just as low as ever.

I write these honest words for those who might think they just have a weak faith. Listen, you can have great faith and still be overwhelmed by facts. High level pain will take even the strongest to their knees. Even Job had to process his agony, while he still expressed his faith.

Where things have changed for me is my perseverance. I’ve learned that sometimes all you can do is hold on and trust God will take you through the pain. Sometimes, there is no quick fix and the old fears rear their heads. You’ve just got to maintain a determined faith. You can kick, scream, and even cry inside or out. Just don’t doubt for a moment that God is not right there with you in the lows and the highs.

My advice to you is the advice I give myself. Keep taking the next right step. Keep praying without ceasing. Keep being real with others, otherwise you will only feel worse. Keep knowing that God is faithful and will take you through even the darkest storms.

“Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;” Job 13:15

P.S. By the way, I do feel I’m on the right track. I’m just recovering from being derailed a few days. A good nights sleep will go a long way towards my improvement.