I Must Process Things Further

Normally, I write on behalf of others. This time, I need to air some things out for myself. Most of my posts don’t come close to revealing the full extent of my suffering. It’s just so hard to endure, share, and even acknowledge during these times.

Tonight, I did everything possible to make things go smoothly. Yet here I lie again, in what feels like a torture chamber. My hands keep burning, my body keeps throbbing in pain, and my head shakes in disbelief.

The pit of my stomach aches as anxiety knocks relentlessly at my door. My sweet wife helps me in every way humanly possible. Even so, she still has to watch me suffer. It puts so much on her shoulders. Honestly, that alone breaks my heart for her. My pain never truly goes away—and now, it’s back, wearing out its welcome again.

I can’t imagine how someone could endure similar suffering alone. If I didn’t have such support, I shudder to think where I might be right now. If I didn’t have hope in Christ, I might be under the influence of something just to numb the pain and silence my thoughts.

Here’s the reason I know God’s grace is sufficient: He ALWAYS makes a way. I practically lived this way every day for four straight years, from 2015 to 2019. I’ve been to more doctor’s appointments in the past 10 years than most people will attend in a lifetime. Yet God has proven His faithfulness, day after day.

I guess I needed to write these truths out for myself. I need to remember the evidence of His grace, mercy, and love. Just reflecting on God’s greatness has already increased my peace and confidence for what lies ahead. I pray this encourages someone else who needs to remember God’s faithfulness in their life, too.

“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work and meditate on your mighty deeds.” Psalm 77:11-12 ESV