I Know I’m Depressed
Maybe it’s been the case for some time. Maybe I’ve just been in denial. But, I can no longer deny what is obvious to me every day God allows me to wake up. I am actively battling this thing called depression. The following definition by Merriam Webster defines how I feel. “ Depression is a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness.” Now, I left out the part that said, “and sometimes suicidal tendencies.” Why? Because I’m not personally struggling with having reason to live for, but I am struggling with living from sun up to sun down.
I think the reason I’ve not totally considered myself depressed before now is simple. I thought depression meant you never get out of bed and you cry all the time. Now, I am in the bed a lot. And I have shed plenty of tears over the past twenty-eight months of battling extreme nerve pain. But, I still choose to get up every day hoping things will change with my health. I don’t walk around feeling sorry for myself every second. However, I do feel extreme sadness over how my health affects my ability to help my family and so many others. I do grieve over all I can’t do that I used to love to do. I look forward to going to sleep at night because it’s the only time I won’t be in pain thanks to medication. I have major difficulty staying focused on anything during the day because of my pain. And, the more doctors confirm the severity of my nerve damage the more I’m forced to accept my life altering disability. Now, I’ve concluded that the following is the only reason I’ve been able to walk through depression with some joy and hope.
One, I do take medication that is necessary to at least keep my nerve pain manageable. Secondly, I do believe my present season of life to be very purposeful in God’s hands. Three, I choose daily to let God use my struggles to encourage others in their struggles. Next, I keep meditating on the Word of God so that I can chase away the many lies of the devil. Finally, I don’t let what doctors tell me define me. I’m no longer living in denial. But, I am believing God is using my trial to refine me, strengthen me, and take my faith deeper than it’s ever gone before.
Therefore, I can now say that I am dealing with depression, but with God’s help I’m walking through the flames towards a brighter tomorrow. Being depressed does not mean you have a lack of faith, but it does mean you need to cling to your faith more than ever before.
(Isaiah 43:1-3) “But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;”
Pastor Craig Crosby 
Craig, I relate fully to what you’ve written here. Each and every day for the past two years. I’m no longer taking pain meds, other than occasional Tylenol or Ibuprofen, but I can’t do much of what I used to do because of weight gain and lack of strength due to inactivity for the last two years. I also believe, and will ask my rep tomorrow, if the device itself is capable of creating some of these symptoms, i.e. fatigue, fogginess, depression, excess sleep. It may just be a possibility, or he may laugh me out of the clinic after my reprogramming tomorrow. You are in my prayers. God bless you and your family!
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