Piece By Piece
To say I’m totally exhausted would be such an understatement. I can’t handle much more physically, emotionally, or mentally. My body aches all over. My eyelids are hard to keep open. Any critical thinking has the potential of making me go crazy. I’m becoming more and more dependent upon walking with a cane. I’ve had several times that my legs have felt like they were totally breaking down.
The position I find myself in is both humbling and draining. If not for the support and grace around me I would have long ago been on some hospital’s psychiatric floor. This nerve condition just breaks you down bit by bit. Leaving you feeling like just a shell of yourself. It’s so overwhelming you can’t worry about tomorrow because you’re too consumed with trying to survive today.
Honestly, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring my way. If I based things off how I typically feel I might as well file for full disability now. With 4 boys all still in school it’s hard for me to picture living with those limitations. It’s challenging enough to live with a normal income.
Even still, I’m making every adjustment I possibly can in respect of my health condition. I’m not the man I once was by any stretch of the imagination. Slowly but surely I’m sorting through the damage that still remains from a major slip and fall that took place over 2 1/2 years ago. I’m having to learn how to walk again. I carry a cane in one hand and attempt to drag both legs that are absolutely worn out.
I’m definitely in a sorting and sifting season. God will keep showing me what I need to let go of and what I must hold onto for dear life. There is no specific blueprint for how to handle all of this stuff. Yes God sheds light on your path, but many things you just have to process piece by piece, season by season. Only God sees the bigger picture as we can only see things from our limited viewpoint.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens; a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”