This Breaks My Heart Most

0C2EB5B3-D7FF-49C0-9578-B2B7BCBEDE16My chronic pain has caused so much heartache in its 34 months of existence. I wish I was just talking about my own heart. Unfortunately, this season of suffering has reached into every part of my family. It honestly breaks my heart most knowing that my condition has stolen such joy from my wife and boys. It’s nothing I’m doing on purpose, but I’m realizing it’s the nature of this beast. I’ve seen too many tears shed and moments ruined all because of my struggle and chronic illness. 

It’s just so hard to pretend like you feel good when inside you feel so bad. With my nerve pain I’m far from patient or the best of company. My misery just keeps pouring out of my veins. I simply can’t handle more than twenty five percent of what I used to be able to handle. A small conversation can quickly turn into confrontation. My irritableness and pain sucks the used to be fun out of just about every family gathering. And, it breaks my heart over and over again.

Right this moment all my skin is crawling underneath. I feel like someone has set me on fire and I’m just watching myself go up in smoke. But, as bad as I feel in so many ways I wish it was just me suffering. I long to tell my wife the battle is over. I want to tell my kids that daddy is back to normal. However, for now all I can keep doing is trying to ride this bull of pain that is my present normal. 

“If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.” (1 Corinthians 12:26)

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