So Much On My Mind

Right now, I feel I could write a book. Not about the past, but just expressing my present feelings. My heart and body have really been hurting. My wife said something that was pretty profound. She said “you know the two are connected.”

Yes, I know that sounds so silly. However, there’s no denying my heartaches often escalate my nerve pain. Physically I’ve struggled more this week than I have in over four months. There’s a whole lot of factors that have contributed. Some food I’ve eaten, too much on my plate, and no doubt the concern I have for my dad.

For the second night in a row he has experienced a living Hell. Dealing with the side effects of his chemotherapy has proven to be a beast. Knowing someone you love so much is in such misery. Certainly doesn’t sit well in the mind or heart. It breaks my heart honestly.

We keep praying and believing God for healing. Yet, I pray the road ahead is not going to be like this past week. If so, I’m not looking forward to one second of it. Having worked hospice I’m used to seeing comfort. Right now dad is anything but comfortable. He has been dealing with hours and hours of nonstop nausea, hiccups and spitting up. Not to mention any wrong move can already take his breath away due to his fragile bones.

Earlier my 9yr old was praying by phone with my dad. He was pouring his heart asking God for healing. He said, “Please take that pain right out of my Grandaddy. Help him to have the best day of his life.” Honestly, I don’t recall anything else he prayed. I just know it was powerful and effective.

On the other end of that phone I could hear my dad breaking down. I can totally understand why certain words made him emotional. It all made me very emotional and I was just sitting beside my son. I know if my 9yr old really knew Grandaddy had cancer he would crumble. We’ve chosen not to use that word with Asher at this time.

Yes, so far I don’t feel like I’m passing this season of testing. I know God is working in the midst of it all. But, it’s got every fiber of my nerves in knots. I’ve been by so many bedsides this should be much easier for me. Only thing is those folks weren’t my dad. And, I know now that makes all the difference. Just keep praying dad and mom might get some rest tonight. That God would be glorified through it all.

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

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