I Don’t Always Understand
Here I am again feeling so so sick. My nerve stimulator must still be off track. I’m hoping tomorrow or Friday they can adjust it in person. Problem is even after adjustments it can take days and even up to two weeks to make a true difference. My gut tells me that I’ve likely been over stimulated again. So, I’m turning the entire unit off for a few hours break.
I just don’t understand why I’m still in such a battle. I don’t even feel misery is adequate enough when I’m in this kind of pain. My blood pressure feels like it’s through the roof. My entire body aches and shivers as if I’m roasting in fever. Yet, both of those things checked out perfect.
What’s so frustrating is I’ve really been doing everything by the book. I watch so closely my eating, sleeping and really my every step. Even still, this blinding has struck my body once again. I guess I really never knew such high level pain like this before 2015.
Once again, I’m writing to process the pain. Even more I’m hoping to keep trusting God through the pain. I’ve been by the bedside of so many people longing for comfort. However, most of those folks knew their days were short. They would just do everything possible to bear another day. They knew their best healing would be ultimate healing in Heaven.
Now, I find myself in a club I never asked to join. I find my faith being tested as my body gets rocked daily by chronic pain. I still recall thinking a few years back how I could never want to live if this level pain always stuck around . Fortunately, God does give me breaks from it. However, as always it’s hard to see beyond such present breathtaking misery.
My 12 year old came and prayed over me a little bit ago. His hands, prayers, love and faith mean so much to me. I told him I needed him to pray it out again. I’m getting off of here because the nauseating vibes and aches just won’t go away. My body feels on fire. Honestly, my nights have been really bad recently. Just ask God to flood me with his unlimited grace and mercies. I know He will hear and answer every prayer. When I’m in this kind of pain I’ve got to put my pride aside and ask others to pray for me. Goodnight I’m praying for you too!
“At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly.” Job 3:17