I’ve Cried A River

I want to write this while it is fresh on my heart. Earlier, I was overjoyed with the news of my upcoming steroid injection. Then, my doctor emailed me the order for my Myelogram. So, I decided I would take that over myself to the hospital since we don’t even live a mile away. My journey there and a few other places ended up being way more overwhelming than I could’ve imagined.

Just trying to get in and out of my car instantly doubled my pain level. Then, while talking with a worker at the hospital I just broke down in tears. It just all hit me at once. Here I was again in my back brace, walking with a cane, and hurting like never before.

This lady knew how far I had come from years before. She immediately started praying for me through the registration window. My heart was just so broken over how bad I felt mixed with how much my health had once again regressed.

I had to go sit down for awhile as my pain was through the roof. While the tears kept falling I had flash backs of my dad. I couldn’t help but recall his painful journey. He knew what it was like to be fighting with everything you’ve got. Then, having to swallow that the battle was way bigger than you.

I’ve always said deep pain affects us physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, and for sure spiritually. Somehow, it wasn’t until I limped into that hospital that full reality hit me. I felt like a grieving child that needed his parents to come pick him up from school. I was humbled in the deepest of ways.

This lady was so comforting and gracious to me. She said “you know pastor we all have our seasons. And this is your season where you need prayers and comfort.” Whether I wanted to hear that or not, I knew she was speaking the truth.

Every person I encountered over the next hour plus saw me at my most weakened state. I found myself wanting to apologize every time someone had to see me in such a wrecked, tearful condition. However, there was no way to hide my pain then or now.

After a couple hours of blinding pain and lots of tears. I feel so much better. I finally got some stronger pain medication in my system that is working. I also believe those tears washed away a lot of pain as well.

As a pastor, I just put so much pressure on myself to be there for others. Unfortunately, I have nothing to give except to share my journey. I know God has a plan. I also know that I’m gonna have to endure a lot more pain along the way.

This pain is definitely just as deep as any I’ve ever experienced. Admitting that still breaks my heart to swallow. I think each of us would rather be a blessing instead of feeling like a burden. I am so grateful for everyone who is praying for me daily. I am so grateful for the relief and solutions God is giving me. I will keep doing all I can while trusting God for everything I can’t. God’s peace is definitely increasing within me every hour.

“Submit to God, and you will have peace; then things will go well for you. (Job 22:21)

“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” (Psalm 30:5b)

Dad, I hear your voice daily.

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