I Want To Jump Off A Bridge


There is no way I can fully describe today’s doctor visit in just one article. Thank God for a great friend driving me an hour there and back. I desperately needed someone who at least is trying to understand my situation. Earlier I went to see my pain specialist and just as I expected absolutely nothing was accomplished. Well, actually they did a great job of raising my blood pressure and testing every nerve within my body.

Things got cooking while I’m talking to my case manager in the lobby beforehand who told me I really could use some patience. That most with my stimulator aren’t even trying to get an MRI. That I’m basically just being difficult wanting the device I have to be MRI friendly even though I was told often in advance that it would be. Honestly, I did all I could to not go Pentecostal on her in a bad way. I did tell her that I knew today would be another totally wasted visit and I was exhausted from being up most of the night due to my stimulator battery poking me.

I was then called back for a surprise drug test. I told the nice lady assisting me that I was actually excited about this test. Because I knew I would get a perfect score considering you will rarely run into anyone in my condition who does not take either narcotics or much heavier drugs. You can bet I made sure I personally signed the label of the sample they were testing. But, it’s just another day of playing both patient and defendant. I know I’m paying big time for so many dishonest souls out there before me.

Then, it’s finally time to see my doctor. I discover quickly that I’m once again not even going to see him, but only his assistant. How was he going to evaluate my battery site if he never looked at it? How would he answer face to face all my questions concerning a stimulator he ordered to be put in me? You see, he didn’t even know all the issues I was even having with the battery or that I had to get a new one that was MRI friendly. I wanted the man who sold me on this total MRI friendly device to have to answer me face to face.

After demanding that the doctor himself step in they agreed. He came in with his familiar smirk and normal no solutions. I literally had to catch him up on everything. His response to practically everything was don’t worry about any of it they will get it figured out. Then, he too acted like it was no big deal that I expected the implanted devices to be MRI friendly just as he promised to countless others who are in for a rude awakening at some point. He never acknowledged any misleading or apologized for any mistake. He just looked anxious to drive out in his Porsche parked behind the building ASAP. Keep in mind this is only the 4th time I’ve even seen this actual doctor out of at least 10 different visits to his office.

I left away once again with nerve pain running all throughout my body and not an ounce of understanding or compassion coming from that office. Nothing was resolved and nothing was even given to me. I get all my meds from my surgeon because my so called pain specialist doesn’t believe I need any meds along with the stimulator. Understand my stimulator alone gives me at best 20 percent of any pain relief I receive. I couldn’t even get up out my bed without my daily nerve pain meds.

I could tell satan was still seeking to steal my joy and take away my hope. However, I believe wholeheartedly that if you do what’s right in God’s eyes you can’t go wrong. One last time my case manager said I needed to have patience as if the past 30 months of nonstop chaos doesn’t count.

I’ve literally never gone to this doctor in well over a year that anything was ever accomplished. Yes, I received a spinal cord stimulator referral but outside of that I’ve only been told I’m over medicated, need to give things time, and it all will work out. The Lord above knows I’m doing my part in actions, attitude, boundaries, and lots of prayer. Sometimes you’ve got to just recognize the battle is bigger than you and you can’t fight things by yourself. Then, you’ve got to trust God to fight for you before you’re compelled to jump off a bridge. What a journey? What a test? And, when it’s over what a testimony I will have to glorify God! The Lord just keeps  bringing me back to this verse as my nerves are fried.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: