Real & Raw Take 10,000

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Please allow me once again just to process out loud how I feel at the moment. The following doesn’t mean I’m losing faith or that I always feel this way. I’m just a firm believer that confession is key to healing. And, I’ve got a lot to get off my chest now so I can recognize God’s handiwork later.

I’m so, so tired of being in pain. It literally affects every area of my life. I simply can’t be the man, husband, dad, friend, son, or Pastor I long to be. It literally breaks my heart how my health affects my family. My wife bears so much on her shoulders. I really don’t know how she does it all. 

I’m still so determined to get well. But, with every step I take I get hit with a major setback. Presently, my body hurts too bad to exercise or walk like I need to. Sleep has not come easy the past few days which is critical for every move forward. I really don’t know where all this is going.

With each day that passes I swallow a heavy dose of reality. I really do have permanent nerve damage. I really can’t  do 50-75 perfect of what I could do before. Any stressful situation ignites my nerve pain and takes me down so quickly. Often, I have to see it to believe it. But, I’ve seen it for so long that it’s in my head and moving to my heart. Bottom line, I just don’t know where this is all going.

But, I know God has the final say. I know who holds today and tomorrow in His hands. I know who is holding me together every moment. I know man can’t, but God can turn this situation around. And I know no matter what God is using me just as much during this valley as He ever will. I know all of this, but the pain is still constant, real, and life changing. Yet, my prayer will always be “Father, no my will, but Your will be done.”

“38 Jesus told them, “My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 

39 He went on a little farther and bowed with his face to the ground, praying, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

40 Then he returned to the disciples and found them asleep. He said to Peter, “Couldn’t you watch with me even one hour? 41 Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!”

42 Then Jesus left them a second time and prayed, “My Father! If this cup cannot be taken away[f] unless I drink it, your will be done.” 43 When he returned to them again, he found them sleeping, for they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

44 So he went to pray a third time, saying the same things again. 45 Then he came to the disciples and said, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look—the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46 Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”

(Matthew 26:38-46)

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