WARNING: Mood Swings Ahead
All my medications have one big thing in common. They affect my mood and mind from sun up to sun down. Often I don’t even feel like the same person I used to be. However, I know underneath it all I’m still here. I just don’t like the way any of it makes me feel.
My stimulator is working as well as ever. My overall pain has been very manageable the past few days. Yet, the trade off is I feel like I’m living in slow motion. My ability to process things is so much harder. My ability to enjoy anything is so much harder. My legs feel like they keep getting weaker and weaker.
I don’t need anyone to tell me I have permanent nerve damage in my lower body. Just a short walk feels like I’ve got 90 year old legs. Sure, I wonder if it will always be this way. Even more unsettling is pondering how much worse could things become over time. The “what if” questions could drive anyone crazy. Yet, worrying about things you can’t control changes nothing.
Jesus said, “And which of you by worrying can add one hour to his life’s span? So if you are not even able to do a very little thing [such as that], why are you worried about the rest? Consider the lilies and wildflowers, how they grow [in the open field]. They neither labor nor spin [wool to make clothing]; yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory and splendor dressed himself like one of these. But if this is how God clothes the grass which is in the field today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You of little faith! So as for you, do not seek what you will eat and what you will drink; nor have an anxious and unsettled mind. For all the [pagan] nations of the world greedily seek these things; and your [heavenly] Father [already] knows that you need them. But [strive for and actively] seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.