Your Pain Doesn’t Change God’s Plans
The reason I ever started my Facebook Faith walking page was simple. I needed a place to safely express my pain. Not to wallow in it, but work through it. Because often it’s so unbearable and life disturbing that my sanity relies on it. My prayer has always been that my honesty would give others freedom to be honest. That my painful journey might encourage someone else through their life altering pain.
Anyone with chronic pain knows that you wake up to it, live with it, and go to bed dealing with it. There’s no time that you aren’t having to account for it. For me it’s affects my ability to lay down, sit up, stand, walk, run, drive, sleep, focus, spend quality time with others or accomplish most tasks. Honestly, I don’t have to move out of my bed to feel miserable down to my very core. I woke up this morning again just throbbing in pain all over.
The pain not only makes you feel terrible physically, but so much less of a man mentally. I still hate the word handicap, but in my heart I know it applies to me. Most handicaps are easy for others to see. However, chronic pain can often hide behind a smile in such a way that others can’t see your internal misery. Honestly, my body feels like it’s been in a recent bad car wreck. I hate how it makes me feel in every way possible.
Now, I also know God is not taken by surprise or allowing this for no reason. I’ve got to keep trusting in His higher ways and understanding. I’m praying earnestly that God will lead my every step, calm my nerves, and use my pain for His glory. This is certainly easier said than done. But, I can just be someone that preaches this stuff on Sundays. I have to choose to live it out desire how I feel Monday through Sunday.
“ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
In two years-I broke my neck- had a metal cage put in- lost sensation- head to toe left side of my body- had cancer removed from my forehead the size of three fingers – had MRSA- infection in my left ear- inserted a pic line and self administered three bulbs of vancomycin three times a day because staying at the hospital away from my 8 year old would have been tragic – and then was diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome and have chronic pain- recently they discovered because a car hit me head on and multiple cars rear ended me over the years my brain is severely damaged – I attend mass every day and then go back to bed – it’s a struggle for anything else because of the pain- I pray to God that I align my will with his every day and sink deeper and deeper into the mystery of his Passion so that I may be one with God at peace in Holy love- I read the Imitation of Christ out loud and the Holy Spirit blesses me. God’s plan for me is purification- might we touch the lives of so many before us walking a holy path as God wills us to do. My gift is divine mercy – my heart is filled with so much love- my test- I thank God for this—-my test is to root out any hidden bitterness or anger from my past — my future charity— service as Jesus would have me in God I trust AMEN