Stuck In A Fiery Furnace
If I’m really honest, I’m scared. In fact, I’m very scared because I sincerely don’t know what the next minute will bring. My nervous system is no longer failing me sometimes. It’s back to failing me all the time. No matter what I’ve learned and try to apply. It’s no longer getting out of control, but staying out of control.
For four weeks in a row I’ve had the return of major anxiety attacks. When I first get out the bed, during the day, at bedtime and throughout the night. I can’t shake them or run from them. Why? Because they are connected to the body that is holding me hostage. My nerves feel like ice water running throughout my body. Outside of prayer there seems to be no water I can find to put out the flames that literally consume me from head to toe.
The longer this goes on without answers I do wonder how much more I can take. These consistent days of torment appeared to be in my distant past. It’s like the horror of nonstop torture has started over. I’ve not given up trying, but I will readily admit that I’m giving out. My heart hurts, pounds, and wonders what else I can do about every other breath.
In the meantime, I’m trying to continue to tweak my spinal stimulation which I don’t think has been the same for awhile. I do think what I eat matters. However, I believe as long as I don’t digest excessive sugar or caffeine I’m fine. I’m back to keeping a close look at my daily activity from every step to every situation. No doubt that my lower back is staying very sore and even 10 hours sleep didn’t change that a bit. I know deep within God will sustain me.
Thank God I’m calmed at the moment. By calmed I mean don’t feel like I’m going to cry a river and don’t feel like I need a Valium. My calm inside would feel like most people’s chaos. I’ve learned how to deal with pain and unpredictable moments. However, when I don’t get a break for endless hours, days, and weeks it’s a much different story. God has met me at this desperate place before. I’m believing He will do it again in His perfect timing.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2