Many Raw Emotions

I’ve been by the bedside of hundreds of dying men and women. For years, I’ve felt called by God to be by their bedside. Not that I have some magic words or super powers. Somehow, God has equipped me to help others make a peaceful and hopeful eternal transition.

For the last 17 months I’ve been trying to help my dad make his eternal transition. However, it’s been an entirely different situation. First of all, this is my dad who I dearly love. Two, this man has been my pastor since the day I was born. It’s definitely felt like a complete role reversal to see the strongest man I’ve ever known feeling so weak.

I thought I knew what others were feeling. Boy, was I wrong even though I’ve always been full of compassion. You just can’t know something fully until you have experienced it yourself. Losing a close loved one is never easy. The closer the relationship it just gets harder and harder.

The last 450 plus days have been very long and gone by in a blink. The majority of those nights I had the privilege to call up my daddy. Our conversation always ended with me getting to pray with him. Sometimes my youngest son Asher would actually do the praying. Dad always said “prayer is the best thing anybody can do for me.”

Now, here we are having to pray much differently. I’m not able to call dad up and pray with him. Praise God he is resting comfortably with consistent pain medications. We may have shared our last nightly call and prayer time. I truly feel he has one foot in this world and the other in the next.

Fortunately, my prayers can still be heard and hopefully felt by him. So many things have changed in just one day. You always think you’re ready, but time reveals you’re not. Mom is definitely not ready to be without her spouse. We’re not ready to be without a father and grandfather.

So many raw emotions are felt in the midst of this uncertain season. One thing for certain is I plan to make the most of the time left. What that looks like I can’t tell you. How much time remains together I can’t tell you . All I know is worrying won’t change anything except my blood pressure. So, I’m gonna keep on praying and hope to get some sleep.

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Luke 6:27

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