I’ve finally just got to accept the fact that without strong meds I will hardly ever sleep a wink. Plus it’s not helping that I’m not presently even 25 percent as active as I once was even 2 years ago in my past rehab days. If I’m to reach any greater level of recovery my walking regiment must return. I’ve simply lost all momentum and strength. At least warmer days are in front of me. That makes a big difference with lots of metal in your back.
Oh the ups and downs of recovery. I’ve experienced the highest highs and even today the lowest of lows. I still remember my surgeon saying 30 days after my first major surgery “sir you may become my poster child for recovery you’re progressing so well.” When I look over the past 30 months of relentless recovery effort I can ponder so many “what if” moments it’s far from funny.
What if I had never slipped on that wet floor? What if I had not been put in physical therapy several months too early that actually set me way back and killed my daily walking momentum? What if they didn’t make me wait 8 months to have my first surgery when the first MRI showed my lower back disc was close to paralyzing me and increasing my permanent nerve damage by the day? What if ????
Honestly, that approach changes nothing except my anxiety level. Yes, it’s human to look back and second guess many things. But, ultimately you find yourself right back desperately needing to trust God with everything. I’m certainly trying and confident that God is bigger than everyone of my “what if” moments. Nothing can stop his plans and his grace covers over a multitude of our shortcomings. Lord Jesus, I give you the past, the present, and the future. Help me to rest it all in Your hands.
Jesus said, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God[e] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”