When You Just Don’t Know
I know they say some things get easier with time, but I can assure you that’s not true with all things. Sure, over time you learn how to cope, process, and try to prepare for tough moments. But, when the most painful moments hit you find yourself right back at the bottom. Your heart sinks, your hope gets cloudy and you just wonder how much more you can take.
By now on literally day 924, I should be a pro at dealing with chronic pain. I’m talking the kind that shatters your nervous system and sucks the life out of you. Every time it strikes like lightning it feels worse than the times before. Doctors are still scrambling for answers. I’m still watching life pass me by while I simply try to endure each painful hour.
I’ve been sitting in a tub for relief for over four hours and counting. Earlier the healing tears just rolled. It was the combined impact of 5 days of straight Hell. I’ve done all that I can do. In fact, I’m still doing all that I can do. Still I’m living on an island called unknown. All I can do is free fall into the arms of Jesus. All I can do is trust in His promises and believe that all I’m going through is purposeful pain. Deep in my heart I believe everything will workout. In my human mind I’m scared to death of what the future might hold as I miss so many moments with my family and simply can’t do life or ministry as I once could.
“This is my command–be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”