I’m Done Asking Why


Anyone observing the past 31 months of my life would observe one theme “chaos.” There is great reason for me to blame and question doctors every step of the way. Honestly, the madness is so unexplainable that I’ve reached a new perspective. I will not spend the little energy I have questioning every past decision and dilemma. Am I overwhelmed, saddened, and deeply disappointed? Absolutely yes! However, there reaches a point that you must quit asking God Why and simply seek to ask God what. Because knowing the Why changes little, but seeking the what next keeps you headed in whatever direction God has planned. It allows God to use the chaos in whatever ways He has planned.

I had my stimulator adjusted earlier and I have no idea if it will make any difference in my radiating nerve pain. Today, further discussions have been had on my behalf at MUSC hospital as to whether I will still have my MRI as planned early tomorrow morning. It’s definitely believed by everyone involved that turning down the specs on the unit due to the metal in my back will decrease the resolution quality. On top of that I’m told I’m only scheduled for a 30 minute slot that is likely not near enough time for what I need done. I will spare you my opinions on this matter.

Bottom line is nobody is able to firmly say that this MRI will ever be able to show anything necessary due to the fact that no one in the hospital’s history has ever done an MRI even close to this low of resolution. You can imagine how all this feels to someone who has waited 3 extra months for this, been rejected 3 times already for an MRI, and had a spinal cord stimulator implanted being told it was completely MRI friendly only to find out it’s not true. On top of this all I just had implanted a much larger battery being told this would resolve the MRI issue. But, now with extra pain poking me in the back for the next 7 years they still don’t know if I can get the promised MRI.

There is nothing major any human can fix. I’m done focusing on the “Why” I’m just focusing on the “What Next” everyday I wake up. There is nothing to fix, do or figure out. I was just told earlier again that based on all present MRI information one of the Low Country’s most credible doctors says I’ve got permanent nerve damage and I’m declared totally disabled. There is a part of that truth I must embrace and the rest I will leave in God’s hands. I can promise you that I will never live with a disabled mindset. I will always do everything possible to get better while trusting God’s limitless ability in the midst of my inability.

Sometimes there is no direction to blame. We just need to believe and know that somehow this is a part of our God story. Quit playing the blame game and make sure you don’t let the devil distract you from living out the here and now in a way that gives God all the glory due.

“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen.”
John 9:3

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