When The Pain Is Insane


I’m praying the Valium I took will settle me down soon. And, I’m believing the prayers of many will accomplish the rest. Outside of just pure misery this level of nerve pain crushes my spirit deep within. As strong as my faith is I’m still human. Each time I feel I’m headed towards the mountain top of recovery I’m thrown right back into this valley of excruciating pain.

It’s so harder and harder to keep getting back up when the carpet keeps getting jerked from underneath you. Month 32 of this absolute chaos is not proving to be anymore promising. It’s like I’m just hanging on by an inch at the top of a huge cliff. I know with just a slight wind I could tumble down into the pits of despair. How can this still be the case after all this time, effort and prayer.

Yet, I have to practice what I preach in keeping my faith. I would love to check myself into some hospital. Or better yet let me jump on an airplane and just try fly away from this pain. But, I know no matter where I go the pain will travel with me. Oh God, I continue to cry out to you from the belly of this whale. Help me! Rescue me once again as You have done so many times before. I trust You even when I can’t trust my own self.

“I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies. The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry to him reached his ears. He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,but the Lord supported me. He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.The Lord rewarded me for doing right; he restored me because of my innocence. For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I have not turned from my God to follow evil. I have followed all his regulations; I have never abandoned his decrees. I am blameless before God; I have kept myself from sin. The Lord rewarded me for doing right. He has seen my innocence. To the faithful you show yourself faithful; to those with integrity you show integrity. To the pure you show yourself pure, but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd. You rescue the humble, but you humiliate the proud.You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness. In your strength I can crush an army;with my God I can scale any wall.
(Psalm 18:1-6,16-29)


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