A Prisoner In My Own Body


Heigh-Ho! Heigh-Ho! Back in the tub I go! I know it doesn’t sound so bad unless you’ve been enduring this for 32 months straight. The intensity of my nerves raging throughout my body has only increased the past few days. In fact, the throbbing in my tailbone has even returned to some degree. I literally feel like I’m being held hostage in my own body. I would give anything for my skin to quit crawling all over. It’s one thing to endure something for an hour or a few hours or even a few days. But, I’ve felt miserable for a long, long time.

It’s not a matter of me not having patience at this point. I just can’t tolerate the misery much longer. I’ve already put most of my life on hold. I’ve already made every adjustment I can make. It wouldn’t matter whether I was on a cruise ship or battleship. If this body is going with me there will be little joy to experience.

I’ve quit pondering when will it end. My prayer is simply hoping that it will end this side of Heaven. No, I’m not suicidal. However, I will admit I can’t fathom living the rest of my life this way. If I do conclude that nothing will change I will have to make some major changes. That change starting with my pain management. I’ve learned you can only endure this kind of misery so long. It wears you down, steals your joy, and can make you flat go crazy.

I wish I was exaggerating, but I’m actually belittling my discomfort. As I’ve said before let me give the average person one week in my body and you will rush yourself to the hospital. I could have already gone a couple hundred times if I thought it would be anything more than a momentary bandaid. Only God deserves the credit for my strength, sanity, endurance, and maintaining of my faith. Apart from Him I would have long ago given up on everything. Thank you Jesus for holding me together as my world long ago fell apart.

“Christ is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
(Colossians 1:17)

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”
(Isaiah 41:13)

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