Still Holding My Hand
I’ve officially reached the 34th month of my health battle. The entire time I’ve felt like I was just one step away from losing it all. I’m not talking about just losing a job, a house, or even my family. I’m talking about collapsing from within as my body has been so close to completely falling apart so many days. My very sanity has been at stake many a day and I’m still not pass that cloud of possibility. But, oh how much God has shown me during this 2 year and 10 month long battle.
I remember very early in my struggle with this nerve pain I simply didn’t know what was actually wrong with me. It was maybe two weeks after my slip and fall accident that I rushed back to a local Doctor’s Care facility. It was around 7 p.m. in the evening and I just had to see somebody right away. At this point, all I had done before was a general x-ray that was not able to show the severity of my nerve issues. I had no idea that when I fell two week’s prior I had torn my L5 S1 disc as much as you can without causing me to be paralyzed.
The lady at the desk asked “So what is your reason for seeing the doctor today?” I said, “tell them I think I’m going crazy.” And, honestly I meant every word that I was speaking at that time. I was completely out of my mind due to my nervous system crashing within me. The next many months were a total blur as I felt like I was experiencing a living Hell day and night. I finally got some medication that at least took some edge off things and helped me get some sleep. Honestly, I really couldn’t see myself wanting to live long under such conditions.
A couple surgeries, a spinal cord stimulator, more medicine and many months later I really see life so differently. I actually know that no matter what life brings my way God is still God. I know that even when I feel like I’m falling apart God is still holding me together. I know that what might just sound like total torment is when God is often doing His greatest work. He uses the fiery furnace of pain to draw us closer than ever to Him. To deepen our faith and prepare us for greater ministry to others. I know that no matter what God literally has my back even when my back lets me down daily.
So, while I may still feel so broken I feel so much stronger in my faith. I’m actually thankful for every day that God has used to carry out His purposes that I might not always understand. I’m thankful that even when I feel like I can’t hold on any longer He is always holding on to me. I feel His presence. I’ve found His peace. I know He has me forevermore in the palm of His hand.
““For I the Lord your God keep hold of your right hand; [I am the Lord], Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13)(AMP)