I Feel Like Such A Pain
If I told you how much my health has affected my family alone it would literally take days to explain. The past nearly three years has been a nightmare. From sun up to sun down my pain has disrupted my entire household. Most nights in between have been so long and uncomfortable. I painfully see daily how my pain has grieved those most dear to my heart called family.
My wife has relentlessly rearranged her life around my condition. She’s like a nurse that is never off duty. She puts up with my extreme mood swings and my often uncontrollable pain. She does most of life as a single parent. It’s been obvious for nearly a year that she has total caregiver fatigue. I fight to get her to understand my struggles, but she needs someone to understand her struggles.
Then, there are my four boys who I would give the world to if I could. They can’t comprehend at their ages what’s really going on with their daddy. They see me in the bed often, fighting to get around, and often limited in anything I can do. When we do get out together my pain usually ruins the outing. My unpredictable pain makes me unpredictable company. Tears fill me on the inside as it’s just not possible right now for me to be the dad or husband I so desperately long to be.
Sadly, as I told my wife earlier there is nothing more that I can do. Four different doctors have confirmed that the nerve damage throughout my lower body is permanent. They can try and calm the symptoms, but they can’t cure the root of the pain. It’s like being at a funeral where you must bury life as you once knew it. It’s taken all this time for me to recognize the depth of my grief and pain. And it grieves me way more to actually feel like a continuous source of pain to my family.
I wish to God I could wave a major wand and make myself better. Instead, I’ve presently got to find a new approach to life based on my condition. I’ve got to with God’s help keep striving to do my best. Worrying changes nothing concerning my past, present, or future. I have to trust that God can work beyond my pain and bring order to the chaos within and around me. Oh God may your grace and favor be upon me and my family.
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)