The Battle Is Constant

Sunday’s message must be something amazing. I’m sitting here seeking to let God feed me His life changing word. I’m literally blinded by the nonstop misery in my body. Instead of things decreasing the past 1 1/2 hours my misery has escalated. It’s frightening, miserable and intolerable wrapped all together. My greatest hope is for my night time meds to put me to sleep very soon.

I literally feel like I can’t move myself. Anything said or done around me keeps triggering me into orbit. Writing this somehow gives me a little calm. I’m just hoping for God to use my misery for something more and than my misery. While I desperately need prayer I’m not looking for pity.

This is just my life right now. Thinking about is very draining. Dealing with it feels impossible much of the time. Somehow God holds me together and gives me reason to hope forward. I know without the struggle I’m not writing. I know without the struggle I have no understanding, comfort and compassion for others. I hate beyond words this torture, but I long for God’s will over my very comfort. I’m tempted daily to give up this fight, but somehow God keeps me going.

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28

“Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!” Matthew 26:41

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