Torture & Treasured Moments
This Sunday morning was by far one of the hardest days of my life. No, I’m not exaggerating one bit. I cried harder and more than I can ever remember in one day. Before I ever preached the first service I thought I cried out everything. Then, to begin the second service I knew there were plenty more tears to flow. All I could do was be totally transparent about my condition. Hoping I would be given grace by all in attendance.
I could barely focus on the next word or scripture. Everything within me just wanted to fly away. There was no denying that I was a nervous wreck fighting not to humiliate myself. My entire body was vibrating all morning despite having turned my spinal stimulator off early this morning. Two days of throbbing and having my stimulator off so much had taken its toll. Every second I was begging God to keep me out of His way and hold me together.
After the second service was over I couldn’t pretend any longer. My legs were totally giving way and the tears couldn’t be stopped. Myself and the worship team met together for prayer after services. I was the only one that just couldn’t stand or utter any prayer out loud. Brokenness mixed with desperateness filled each heart. Next thing I know I’m crying so deeply it’s taking my very breath away. I’m talking the most gut wrenching crying I’ve ever done even over the death of the closest loved one.
Shortly afterwards I felt some breakthrough. Like toxins that needed to be flushed was every tear that rolled down my cheeks. We knew satan was bringing the heat to us all. We knew we couldn’t fight this battle in the flesh. This called for bold and believing prayer that moves mountains. I’m not going to lie the battle was a living Hell.
I’ve spent two days straight not able to figure out how I’m being over stimulated. Even if I kept the unit off over five hours my body continued to vibrate from feet to face with severe neuropathy. The only thing I could discover is how I ate a bunch of marshmallows and graham crackers the past two nights. Sounds small, but I’ve discovered in the past that any significant intake of sugar or caffeine can create havoc with my condition. Add to this that on Sunday mornings alone I drink the equivalent of 4-5 small cups of coffee. I believe it was the ingredients for disaster.
So, after crying my eyes out I turned my stimulator back on. Then, I began drinking as much water as possible throughout the day. I’m sure I’ve drank 1 1/2 gallons hoping to flush what I can out my system. By God’s grace alone I’ve been able to endure Father’s Day. I felt more closeness and appreciation from my boys than in any years past.
Tomorrow morning I get my pain shot bright and early. I’m praying hard it gives me some relief of this coccyx pain. Also, I will be drinking nothing but lots of water for the next many days to come. Also, just as I ate literally no sweets today you can bet I won’t be doing so anytime soon. I will not forget this day of torture for quite awhile. It definitely matched my worst ever pain. And, I want forget the smiles that happened with my boys despite the earlier storm. Now, my body just desperately needs rest as my Fitbit says I only got two hours of actual sleep last night.
“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3