My Heart Is Breaking
Warning: This is just me sharing the guts of where I am right now. Here I am again vibrating from feet to face. Fortunately and unfortunately this is familiar territory. My heart is racing and has been for a few hours. Last night was the only night I had anything with major sugar or caffeine. It was a small milkshake from Sonic and a medium Diet Coke from Wendy’s. I came home immediately and kept guzzling water like a horse to flush anything toxic out my body.
Last night I went to bed with some clear vibration in my legs. I didn’t feel it elsewhere, but I did feel a little on edge. I didn’t change my stimulator since it’s been helping me overall so much. Even though I just turned it off for just an hour or two I still don’t believe it’s the issue. On top of so many factors to watch my diet is now at the top of my list. I will finally meet with a nutritionist this coming Wednesday.
Sadly this is something that makes me an absolute mess and monster. The treble in my own voice shakes my very core. The sound of others’ voice and even footsteps sound louder in my head than I could ever explain. I simply can’t handle the smallest conversation and feel like I’m going crazy in the moment.
Even right now my heart is still pounding as I seek to process silently alone what is raging inside of me. My own wife has seen this many times, but it’s clear she can’t understand why I am so on edge. How things can change so quickly and leave me feeling like a crazy person. I’m afraid I’m dealing with a condition only God fully understands. Something only those who deal with a health issue that can’t be fully explained yet rocks their life continually beyond their control.
I don’t feel hopeless, but it does break my heart deeply. I hate this thorn in my flesh that interrupts my life daily. I hate not knowing what might happen next. I hate sitting here just waiting on this raging storm to settle. God knows if I didn’t have Him I would have committed myself somewhere. Somehow and someway God keeps carrying me through a form of torment I would never wish on anyone.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18