I’m Officially Broken

Last Sunday and this past Saturday were two of my most painful days ever. Probably because they are my most recent days of complete torture. No I’ve never been kidnapped, homeless, beaten up by someone, or diagnosed with some terminal illness. I do know what it feels like to think your entire insides are being fried with no way to stop it. To hurt so bad for many hours and you would do almost anything for some relief. To cry so deeply you’re afraid your guts might leak out.

Most know that I have a severely nerve damaged body. Without warning I can feel like someone has thrown me into an electric chair. I deal with sharp tingling all the time in my lower body. However, it’s when I’m vibrating continuously from my feet to my face that I really do think I’m going insane. Two of my worst days like this have come back to back weekends.

How I preached back to back services today is an absolute tribute to God alone. I spent all evening crying out and working out my pain. With every tear toxins flooded out my body. I’ve only had two hours of sleep the past 28 hours and counting. If I didn’t know any better I would sincerely think I just got in a very bad car wreck. That I should be in the hospital with IVs full of pain medicine.

Now, I won’t bore you with any more details. Just understand my severe pain has proven to be a present life sentence of misery I never imagined possible. Doctors can only guess about solutions and man can only do so much. You can bank on the fact that if it can be done I’m seeking to do it. From how I eat, sleep, socialize, pray and process things I’m willing to do anything just to even reduce some of my pain.

Sadly, I believe I’ve reached a new level of awareness. This painful reality has given me a degree of PTSD. This painful reality has proven to be a daily war, not just an occasional episode. I’m far from giving up, but I’m officially broken. I thought I was there before, but this time I reached an all time low. I won’t quickly forget what I’ve endured and what I could endure at anytime.

I can promise you I’ve seen the light. Humbly, I realize I’m far from figuring things out. I will be do anything possible from this point forward to discover any possible solutions. I will eat as wisely as I can to decrease my neuropathy. I will get whatever bloodwork and testing man can provide. I will go to the best of the best doctors just to make sure there’s nothing more I can do. For once you’ve been totally broken you will come to your senses. You will be willing to do anything possible to ensure you’re headed towards hope and peace. God knows I’m willing to try and do whatever I can while trusting Him to do all I can’t.

“I was living quietly until he shattered me. He took me by the neck and broke me in pieces. Then he set me up as his target, and now his archers surround me. His arrows pierce me without mercy. The ground is wet with my blood. Again and again he smashes against me, charging at me like a warrior. I wear burlap to show my grief. My pride lies in the dust. My eyes are red with weeping; dark shadows circle my eyes. Yet I have done no wrong, and my prayer is pure.” (Job 16:12-17)

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