Lord, I’m Trusting You

Most should know by now that I choose to write in the pain. Its the only time I can fully articulate my emotions. I don’t have to make up sights and sounds. All I need to do is flesh out my current reality. This pain compels me to write and helps me connect with so many of you.

After finally having to take Valium I’m just laying on my side waiting with a heating pad turned up high. Waiting on the pain to not be breathtaking. Waiting on my heart to settle down. Waiting not to feel just so bad overall. I told my wife earlier it’s just so painful, disappointing and embarrassing.

First, I hate hurting so badly it makes me want to vomit. Two, I get very disappointed because I try so hard to stay on top of my health. Every time this happens it knocks the air out of my sails. Three, I still get embarrassed by my condition. I hate for people to see me so weak, struggling to focus and so on edge.

Now, just because I’m honest doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to be. I simply believe I can’t expect others to be honest if I’m not totally honest. At the end of the day all I can do is trust God. Only He can make sense of the madness.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6

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