We’re Both Toasted Now What

My precious wife has been on this ride of pain with me for a very long time. She is certainly not a complainer. She has played the most significant role in my recovery journey. In fact, I know without her I would have given up a long time ago. However, we’re reaching a new season. A season where we’re both exhausted and tired of looking at this life altering pain.

Her grief and life adjustments have never been out of my sight. She has waited on me hand and foot for nearly four years. Helping me get out of the bed, tying my shoes and filling up the tub several times per day. She has held my hand and sat by my side more nights than I can count. Her life demands, burdens and roles have increased significantly. Her sleep, stress, and dreams have all been shattered by my condition.

She has seen all she can take of watching someone she dearly loves suffer endlessly. I can finally see that she desperately needs a break. I’ve accepted that’s it’s nothing personal, but necessary. From this point forward I’m going to try my best and keep this cross to myself. I know she grieves the husband she once had before. Sadly that guy has long been gone. I’ve got to be the best new me possible.

All I can do is try to keep to myself as much as possible. She doesn’t need to hear about my pain day and night. Of course, I can’t deny my struggles are wrecking my life and drastically affecting those closest to me. However, it’s time to take a new approach. To simply do all I can for myself and hope for as much normalcy as possible.

The guilt of a chronically ill person can’t be described. The weight of their caregivers carry can’t be measured. Seeking to love one another in an understanding way is the only way we can move forward. I definitely need to get back to seeing my counselor. I will also continue to adjust to this life altering pain. I love my wife dearly and I can’t thank her enough for walking with me through this valley. She definitely embodies a love that is only possible with God’s help.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

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