Another Disappointing Night

After spending over four hours straight in the tub I thought my pain had settled down. Just minutes after getting out I was hit again with that old familiar nauseous pain. Like poison running through my veins there’s nothing that feels good underneath my skin. I looked at my wife earlier with a lump in my throat. I said, “Looks like I just need to accept this pain and call it a night.”

Everything in me truly feels like I’m due for a good cry anytime soon. I thought that was going to happen earlier today prior to preaching the second worship service. Somehow that cloud passed over me. These toxins feel so fluid and make me feel so empty within. It’s like I can move from the highest mountain to the lowest valley in a split second.

These are the moments that make even me numb and silent. I can type a message, but don’t have the energy to process things verbally. Honestly, I’m tired of talking about this struggle that has long out stayed it’s welcome. It’s hard to read scripture or even pray for myself when I reach this kind of low. I’ve just learned to take a deep breath and be still before God. Only He can truly understand or do anything about my bleeding heart.

I’m so grateful to have a wife that is understanding. We’re both in a much better place as I learn to deal with things much quicker. When you feel so bad there is so much misunderstanding that takes place. There is so much mutual heartache as you both see things have changed.

“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;” Psalm 46:10

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