It’s Just Where I Am

I just got home earlier from Urgent Care. The only reason I went this time was things just felt so different. In fact, to be honest I was terrified. I really thought I could pass out any minute. My heart felt like it could jump out my chest. My face was flush and my head was faint. My entire body felt it was full of electricity.

Yes, I’ve felt similar hundreds of times. And, my wife is usually able to remind me that doctors can do nothing for my condition. But, I really thought I could have a stroke or heart attack any minute. By the time, I got to Urgent Care there was no hiding the tears or pain.

To my surprise my blood pressure and heart rate were normal. EMT workers hooked me up to an EKG machine and offered to take me to the hospital. I do believe my wife was right that I simply had a very severe panic attack. I’ve had plenty in the past, but none quite this level. I just knew I couldn’t take lightly what I was feeling.

It’s very discouraging when you fight something day and night for over 4 years. When you strive to do everything possible to make yourself no longer a burden to others. Especially my family that doesn’t deserve to put up with anymore. I should be much better by now. All I can do is give God my broken heart and body. I’ve not lost my faith. I’ve just been hit with a really big dose of reality that hurts physically and emotionally.

I’ve had a couple Valium and my nighttime meds. I’m way more settled now than I was earlier. But, this is far from over as so many questions stare me in the face. It’s so much harder than most understand. To keep going through Hell everyday while trying to live normal. God knows I’m giving all I can while trusting Him for all I can’t. Thanks so much for the prayers. I certainly wouldn’t ask for them if I wasn’t desperate for them.

“Jesus Wept.” John 11:35

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