Afraid Of The “What If”
Well I’m back in the tub seemingly the only place I can find some relief. To say I’m exhausted is an understatement. My body has been throbbing constantly since 3am this morning and it’s past 3pm now. I can barely even stand up on my on two legs. How I preached two Sunday services today is a miracle from above. And I’m deeply afraid of when it might be my last for awhile.
Honestly, Sunday preaching is all I can do anymore these days. But, even that has long become more and more unbearable. If all I was doing was reading some message notes I could be fine. But, I can’t preach a message without connecting my whole heart to it. And when you mix that level of heart with my shot nervous system preaching is like having a baby each week. You carry it all throughout the week and then deliver it on Sundays.
Don’t get me wrong I love to make a difference in people’s lives. But, my gas gauge of energy is reaching deep into my reserved tank. I’m forced to ponder “What If” I run totally out of energy? “What If” I get any worse than I already am? “What If” my body just totally crashes on me? Guess what, “What If” I told you all these things have already happened.
Every moment of every day is just a grind. Just to get up and show up takes every ounce of strength I have left. Just to keep moving forward with hopeful expectation is tough knowing nothing else can be done by man to bring healing. “What If” I told you I’ve been dealing with the “What Ifs”for so long it’s become a way of life.
I know I need a miracle. I wake up knowing I must stare my “What if’s” in the face. Even though I can’t control what happens next every fiber of me wishes I could. Therefore I’ve just got to put the anxiety, fear, and “What Ifs” in God’s hands. But, by the grace of God I would be consumed with my “What Ifs” every night and day.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
2 Timothy 1:7