One More Brutal Night
It’s 3am and I may or may not get even an ounce of sleep all night. I can promise you it won’t happen unless I really load up on extra medication to knock myself out. These moments are all too familiar. Nerve pain has my entire body in a fix. In so many ways absolutely nothing has changed in 2 1/2 years.
These times are so hard to swallow when you know how hard you’ve worked towards recovery. I’ve not just waited around for my miracle or ignored what doctors have told me. It’s been a morning, day and night grind everyday. I’ve gotten several pain shots with no results. I’ve gone to countless physical therapy sessions only to have to stop due to inflammation. I’ve tried a Rhizotomy trial with zero results. I’ve had 3 surgeries and a stimulator implanted with little to show for any of it. I’ve walked a couple hundred miles literally trying to keep my body from folding. However, even in my most depressed moments I’ve never given up faith.
There is no denying that it’s a miserable way to live. I’m so tired of fighting with it and still feeling like I’m just running in place. I still can’t believe I actually have to take 4 times the amount of nerve pain meds than I was taking before my first major surgery. To say it’s a thorn in my flesh is an understatement. It’s literally turned my entire life upside down. There is nothing it doesn’t affect. There is never a point when I’m conscious that I’m not feeling bad. Technically I’m already considered disabled in doctor’s eyes.
I’ve prayed and I’ve prayed. And, I plan to keep on praying for my miracle. But, in the meantime I have to embrace the present reality. If most walked one day in my nerve damaged skin they would wonder how in the world I’m even able to get out of bed. Why am I not drowning in the pit of depression. The only answer I could give them is “But, by the grace of God go I.”
Seriously, one of the reasons I’ve not gone totally crazy is because God has led me to be very honest about my condition. I’m not complaining right now, I’m simply confessing that the struggle is way beyond what I can put into words. And, for reasons I don’t have to understand God continues to allow this condition to serve His greater purpose.
Fortunately, I know that this short life is not about me. So, I rarely ever ask God to just fix me. I do ask Him to continue holding me together as He accomplishes His will. I desperately need Him to carry me forward and keep fueling my faith. I don’t like any of this process, but I don’t believe any of it takes God by surprise. If you’re reading this and suffering constantly know that I understand. And even better than that God understands. He will make a way for you and for me.
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
(2 Corinthians 12:8-10)