My Life Feels On Hold

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Every second of my life has revolved around my health issues for going on 32 months. In the past 5 1/2 months alone I’ve gone to 30 different health appointments and travelled over 2350 miles to get to them. This does not even count all the attempts at exercise, sleep, and recovery. I put together all my medications each night and make sure all my reminder alarms are set.

I strategically don’t rest in the afternoon so that I possibly can rest at night. My normal nerve pain meds are taken every 8 hours like clock work. Then, there is my nighttime medication that I must take if I ever hope to sleep a wink. Oh, and I’ve not even mentioned the fact that it’s nothing for me to spend at least 5 hours per day soaking in a tub for relief. I’ve actually stayed in there 8 hours straight so we finally moved one TV into the bathroom.

Now, add on to this making sure that my spinal cord stimulator is functioning as well as possible. I’ve got to make sure it’s on the best setting possible. I also have to guard myself from over stimulation which makes your heart race, stomach nauseous, and your skin crawl. Along with this implanted stimulator that is never predictable is the big battery implanted in my back. I can’t lay flat on my back or on my right side. Anything pushing straight against that battery hurts so bad as it’s metal on bone.

Now, throw into all of this the fact that driving absolutely kills me. So, I’m driven to everyone of my appointments and other places for that matter. I’m not supposed to sit or stand for more than 30 minutes at a time. Oh yes, on my free time I go to the YMCA for water therapy that’s 40 minutes away from my house. It does me a world of good. Oh and I almost forget the 21 different counseling sessions I’ve been to in my attempt to process this trying season that never ends.

Quite frankly it’s all I can do just to preach on a Sunday morning. My meds keep me drowsy. My nerve pain steals my joy with every move I make. And, I’m still daily trying to discover what’s actually wrong with me and what if anything I can do about it. Make sure you throw into all of this constant prayer and processing. No wonder it all seems so consuming at times. No wonder I find it difficult to be a husband, father of 4 boys, and a Pastor to many. Recovery is my daily life and this is still missing plenty of  other details. I’m just having to trust this is still God’s timing.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.           (Ecclesiastes 3:1-11)

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