Today has been another  really long day. I’ve spent another 5-6 hours in the tub. I spent several hours researching and chasing hopes of a brighter tomorrow that all ended in roadblocks and letdowns. I’ve had moments of joy and counting many blessings. I’ve prayed and prayed over many things. And, I’ve had one continuous theme keep slapping me in the face and ripping out my heart. My nerves really are fried inside of me and it continues to impact every part of my life.

Right this very moment my legs and feet are vibrating with radiating nerve pain. My heart is pounding as things quickly move into my chest and face. It’s so hard for me to feel normal. Especially when my entire nervous system is going haywire inside of me. I’ve done nothing all day and yet I feel like I’ve walked one thousand miles. The combination of my current reality and me having to keep digesting that reality is becoming a bit much.

I’m so overwhelmed, heartbroken, and if I’m honest starting to feel hopeless that I can ever get better. My drive is fading and my ability to bounce back is getting harder. I know many wish I would just shut up and put my big boy pants on. But, I would challenge that person to wear my pants for even a week and see if you aren’t begging to get back in yours.

My fight is gone, but faith is fighting for me. I’m out of breath, but He is breathing for me. Once again I will take my meds to help me sleep and seek to keep taking one day at a time. God has carried me this far so there is no reason to doubt that He won’t keep carrying me forward.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

(Exodus 14:14)