Weak Body, Willing Spirit

2E57797D-8822-428D-AE7E-669BC1798008Well, I’m finally home after a very long day. I endured 3 hours on the road and 3 hours of intense stress to my body. I felt like I was doing exercises that most senior citizens could easily do. However, to me they all came with some degree of difficulty and discomfort. That’s what happens when your entire body has been on a shelf for a long time and you’ve been cut in way too many places.

Overall, I believe my Functional Capacity Evaluation went as well as possible. This time I did not have a complete meltdown. I had my Valium in my pocket just in case. Thank God I didn’t need that until we were driving home. All I discovered today were things I’ve known from many days of experience. My lower back still hurts a lot, both legs stay very weak, and my nerve pain keeps me on the verge of falling apart.

My therapist this time was the real deal. Apart from her 29 years of experience was the fact she actually cared about me. Unlike some before she was just assessing the clear facts while thoroughly doing her job. It meant so much to be around someone who’s integrity is not for sale. Her approach alone was refreshing and encouraging.

She said something I needed to hear. It’s the old saying of “if you keep telling the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” Why? Because the consistent truth will never contradict itself. I have done nothing but speak the truth from sun up to sun down on a daily basis. I’ve always given my best effort towards recovery and I try to trust God for the results.

During our time we talked about how I’ve chosen to be transparent throughout this entire journey. One, because it helps me to process it. Two, because I know my story can encourage someone else through their story. The way this lady handled herself and conversation is exactly how I try to do with everyone I encounter. Maybe I can’t fix everyone’s struggles, but I can always choose to encourage others through their struggles.

Considering how this day could have been I’m very grateful. Yes, I’m back in the tub hoping for relief. But, inside that office I saw many other patients that were in way worse physical condition than me. I’ve had so many bad experiences so I was overjoyed to be in an office where I felt God’s peace. Overall, I just left with hope that I might be able to improve someday.

I know regardless of my future condition I have experiences that prepare me for ministering to thousands of others who battle chronic pain. No matter what I will not waste this pain. I will continue seeking to give God all the glory by seeking daily His good, pleasing and perfect will.

“Then Jesus said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:38-39)


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