What Hurts The Most

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Recently, I was meeting with a lady to evaluate my health condition. We discussed what I’ve been through and what I’m still going through. How I’ve had to learn how to cope with my situation. Then I was asked “What hurts you the most?” That’s when the tears just started rolling down my face uncontrollably.

I said, honestly my physical pain is just a small part of my heartache. I’ve missed so much the past 33 months of my struggle. My oldest son’s senior year was simply a blur a year ago. I’ve missed countless ball games and band performances. I’ve missed being able to take my 16 year old fishing back when he couldn’t wait to get in that boat with me. I miss going out with my wife where we discuss things other than my back. I hated not taking her somewhere special last year for our 20th marriage anniversary. I miss being able to visit people who are going through the toughest moments of their life and who desperately need love and encouragement. I miss being able to be the husband, dad, and pastor I used to be. 

So much flooded my heart and mind. I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. All I can do now is trust that God has a plan for it all. My belief that it’s all been purposeful pain has gotten me through many a heartbreaking day. Even still, I believe confession is healing. God sees each tear that falls and knows by name each heart that breaks. He’s given me comfort during many heart crushing moments. 

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

(Psalm 43:18)

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