My Heart Breaks In Two Daily
Anyone reading this that battles with severe chronic pain is going to think I’m reading their personal diary. As I write this my heart is pounding and breaking all at once. I’ve tried so hard to overcome this battle, but it keeps overcoming me. I want so much to spend quality time with my family. However, in my condition I’m not sure anyone wants to spend much time period with me.
My nerve pain spirals me out of control daily. Masking it is next to impossible once it reaches tidal wave status. Just like the Incredible Hulk can’t stop himself from turning green. I can’t stop my nerve pain from turning me crazy. It presently feels like every nerve within me has been jerked by the roots. I’ve crashed physically and mentally as I’ve done so many times before.
Nothing hurts worse than feeling misunderstood. Sadly, I’ve concluded you can’t expect someone to understand what they can only fathom after experience. I’m broken inside and I believe at a major crossroads. I finally have to accept a word I’ve been dreading to associate with myself for a long time. I’ve got a major “handicap” that I’ve got to account for from sun up to sun down.
I can no longer live like I’m anywhere near healthy. I have to embrace my new normal until God chooses to heal me. I’m not giving up, but I’m not gonna live in denial anymore. All I can do from this point forward is be the best I can in the condition life finds me. I feel like I’m officially saying goodbye to the old me and hello to the new broken me.
“Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.” (Psalm 6:2)