I’m Dreading Father’s Day

349A875E-2262-4AC9-924F-3145CFDACE76There is no denying that satan has been hovering over me like a buzzard. I’m sure he thinks any moment I will completely give up on everything. He has done all he can to tell me that I’m worthless and hopeless this week alone. I can’t imagine where this would lead most who don’t know Christ and can’t counter the repetitive lies with God’s never changing truth. I’m so glad that truth is hidden in my heart and able to be recalled with my mind.

As Father’s Day approaches I don’t feel the greatest. I feel so misunderstood and far from the man I want my kids to observe. I know they know I love them, but I don’t think they can fathom how physically sick I have been the past 2 1/2 years. By the way, that’s a long time in light of their short teenage years. We all know as parents we try not to burden our children with our burdens. However, I’m afraid mine have been too great to mask during this season of suffering. 

Fortunately my 8 year son has only seen a dad that loves, hugs, laughs, and plays with him. However, my 14, 16, & 18 year old boys have simply seen a man who is falling apart. During their most defining times they’ve not observed the calmest and sharpest dad. Just to try and spend quality time with them goes south so quickly as my nerve pain robs each joyous moment. In their eyes I believe they see a very irritable and out of control man. Not realizing that being this sick this long doesn’t give you many moments of feeling in control or up for quality conversation. 

By far my greatest grief has become not being able to be the man I would like to be to my wife and boys. Yet, time has shown it’s just not possible in my present state of health. All I can do is keep praying and trying my best to work through my present struggle. I’m praying at some point they will better understand my true struggle. That ultimately they will see a man who walked by faith even through the strongest winds, rain, and fire. I pray one day it inspires them to know with God’s help we can get through anything. And that even when it hurts God is still there. All I can do is trust God through it all and with them all. 

“I could have no greater joy than to hear that my children are following the truth.” (3 John 1:4)

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