Broken & Believing

As I write this I’m sitting in a shopping area parking lot. I feel badly on so many different levels. One, my body just keeps disappointing me. Two, I just physically feel miserable and want to crawl back into bed. Three, my condition makes me feel far from the man, husband, or dad I want to be.

I’m at a critical crossroads of sorts. My condition is no longer a mystery to me, nor a secret to others. Yet, I’ve still not learned how to live with my new handicap. The moment I try to drive more than 30 minutes my body begins to melt down. The pain in my weak spot just pounds and pounds. Real conversation is nerve wreaking to say the least. True quality time with my loved ones seems impossible.

To others I look alright on the outside. Shoot, sometimes even I’m convinced I must be healed. Then, as soon as I hope to just enjoy something the joy is sucked right out of me. Maybe it’s God fighting for my attention. Maybe it’s God seeking to direct me down His chosen path. I have been thinking a lot more about the chronic pain support group that God wants me to start in 2019. Guess I can’t keep relating to others without this constant struggle of my own. 

Lord knows I’m fighting with acceptance while still trying to be optimistic. I do know that this truthful confession helps me in some way. Maybe this is exactly what will happen for others when they share their true struggles with others. God you have my full attention. Help me give up this fight so you can continue to use this battle. I’m broken, but I still believe in your healing power.

“I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)