*Below is exactly how I would start out if I were meeting with my counselor right now. Of course, I would elaborate even more on certain things. But, if God gives you anything to share below please do so. It would not only encourage me. But, it could also encourage someone else reading this that might have a similar battle. I’ve said it before… This page was not created to just share the good stuff, but finding ways to walk by faith through the toughest stuff. So share any scripture, thoughts, or truths that you feel appropriate. Praying for each of you and I appreciate your prayers.
My visit with you is long overdue. As I’ve told you before I believe strongly in being proactive not just reactive. I really need to at least get back to seeing you monthly. Time, distance, and my inability to drive any distance has kept me from coming to see you. I’m definitely at that point again where I need somewhere on the outside to work through my present feelings on the inside.
Overall my mind, heart, and faith have grown leaps and bounds. I’m no longer looking for a way out. I’m just constantly looking for how I can keep walking through this ongoing battle. That is and still be a husband, dad, and pastor. My stimulator and medications have at least brought me to a place of consistency. Meaning, at least I know what to do to keep my extreme pain under control. Unfortunately, anything that is helping me most is always giving me major side affects such as constant fogginess and fatigue.
This brings me to why I’m coming to see you. I’m here because my condition keeps making everything flat overwhelming. It’s like being in a non-stop war with flaming arrows coming at you from every direction. There is no break except when I’m asleep. I’ve been shot so often that my body just can’t recuperate. Sadly, I see know sign of anything changing anytime soon.
All of this to say, I need you to speak into my life. What might I need to hear? What might I need to do? I’m taking things literally one day and sometimes one minute at a time. It’s like I’m having to be my own caregiver all the time. There is nothing at home or beyond that is not affected by my condition. I can’t do anything without considering if my health will allow it. It has gotten back to feeling like this condition is a massive ball and chain.
Any prayers for myself are back to feeling like whispers. I’m just exhausted from feeling this way. If most truly understood what I am fighting they would be amazed that I even get out the bed. They would assume that I must be totally depressed. That there is no way I could be happy.
Honestly, I’m still very happy. I’m still very much believing God to take me beyond this season. I know I’m a walking, talking miracle. I know that I should be in a full blown depression. But, I’m just looking forward to whatever I can do with God’s strength. As long as lives are being touched I’m excited. As long as I can know I’m doing everything I can to faithful to God. Then, I can have the peace of God. I’m just back to being very weary.
I know the devil is constantly testing me. He is trying to see if I will finally give up . I can promise you this for sure. Giving up is not even a possibility. I just know I have to keep processing things. I have to keep giving things up to God.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6