FAITH WALKING Category

200 Ounces Of Water Later

Well, it was certainly another eventful Sunday at Refuge Church. I woke up excited to share another God led message. I figured the extra hour of sleep would give me an extra boost. Instead, after I took my morning medication I was quickly battling a major fog. I felt no choice but to drink something […]

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I Love Carrot Cake

Back to back nights have been historic first ever moments for me. Halloween night I passed out every kind of candy available and miraculously ate not one bite. Tonight, I did something even way bigger. I watched people eating my Mom’s homemade carrot cake with cream cheese icing. It literally took everything within me to […]

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God’s Not Done Yet

Today has certainly been one of the absolute longest days of my life. Last night I managed just over 3 hours sleep once my nervous system settled. Then, I drove an hour one way to my medical appointment. My medical assessment started at 8am and went continuously until after 2pm. I’ve been to a lot […]

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In The Eye Of The Storm

Misery cannot adequately describe the way I feel in these moments. Anxiety is feasting underneath my skin. My very bones ache as I try to catch my breathe. It’s like someone has my body hooked up to electricity. Even as I type this I know it sounds absolutely absurd and dramatized. Honestly, this is me […]

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So So Anxious Inside

Right now, it’s just after midnight. There’s literally not one fiber of my body that is not fried and aching with nerve pain. My heart is pounding and feels like it could explode. My hands, face, legs and feet are consumed with a constant burning situation. I’ve taken an emergency Valium just hoping to calm […]

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Jesus Help Me

15 days of no major sugar or caffeine. Just day two of no sugar, gluten, dairy or caffeine. I’ve never held this amount of candy in my life and not eaten one bite. I can’t decide if I want Jesus to just take me on to Heaven now or not. I’m absolutely convinced there will […]

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My New Outlook

Recently I got glasses for the first time in 44 years of existence. When I picked them up they said I probably needed glasses for a long time. I actually jumped from thinking my vision was perfect. To putting on my new pair of progressive bifocals. To say it’s been a major adjustment is an […]

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Undeniable Breakthrough

Anytime you try to recover from something that has knocked the life out of you. All you can do is just walk through the pain one faith step at a time. I’ve been doing that for what seems like forever. However, I’m feeling more hopeful than I’ve felt in quite sometime. I can honestly see […]

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Just Another Crossroads

I feel like I’ve been in this place a thousand times before. That place where nothing in my body feels right. That place where I’m not sure how much longer I can live this way. That place where Satan wants me to feel totally hopeless while I’m fighting to feel hopeful. Then, I’m reminded that […]

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Mentally I’m Shot

It’s been one of those weeks. I’ve given everything I had to give and some I couldn’t afford to give. When I say I’ve been going morning, day and night since Monday. I wish I was exaggerating. Praise God my physical pain overall has remained under control. However, my mental circuits are shot. I’ve literally […]

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Focus On The Blessings

The past 3 days of my life have felt like a constant blur. I’ve literally been busy with ministry from sun up and beyond sun down. I’m just winding things down for today after starting out at 7am. I know for certain I can’t repeat many 15 hour days. If I do, I know I’m […]

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A God Made Day

Last night God blessed me with 8 1/2 hours of sleep. I woke up feeling as good as I have all week. So, we got up and headed out to watch my favorite football team the University of South Carolina. Of course, I knew only time would tell whether I could endure the entire game. […]

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Help Me Soar Lord

I’m away overnight with my wife. It’s after 10pm on a Friday night. Tomorrow we’re hoping to watch the University of South Carolina Gamecocks beat the University of Florida Gators at Williams Brice Stadium. Our hotel is just ten minutes from the stadium. Hopefully, I can get a good nights sleep once my medications kick […]

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Your Most Important Step

I still believe I’m in the heavyweight fight of my life. I also believe I’ve finally discovered a profound and simple secret. No matter what you may be facing. Regardless of how overwhelming you may feel. Especially if you’re struggling to even get out of the bed. Your next step is by far the biggest […]

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Another Day, Another Valley

So, I’m back in bed hoping my body settles down sooner than later. It’s been a very uncomfortable past 24 hours. Earlier I facilitated my monthly chronic pain support group. Each of us had one big thing in common. We each absolutely hate how we feel each day. And only in Christ do we feel […]

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Severe Panic Attacks

It’s like someone shot me right in the heart while I was sleeping. My heart starting pounding and pounding. Surging vibrations continue to run throughout my body. It was all I could do just to sit up in my bed. There was no denying I was having a severe panic attack. So, I had to […]

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New Levels, New Devils

Anyone who knows me knows I seek to be very transparent. I’m just a man like everyone else. I try my best in everything I do. Unfortunately, I fall short constantly. Right now, I’m experiencing the worst and best in my life. Please allow me to explain. On one hand I’m seeing God do many […]

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God Never Waste Pain

It tears you down. It wears you down. When the pain never stops. All you can do is keep dog paddling so you don’t drown. Physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually it makes everything feel ten times harder. You know in your heart the season you’re in will never leave you the same. Honestly, even […]

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Take The Mask Off

We’ve all done it before. We smile and act like everything is alright. When inside we’re bleeding with pain. Personally, I don’t believe that’s how God intended us to live. Actually, we call that pretend relationships. God wants us to experience real relationships. Well, for realness to happen you must be real. Those closest to […]

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Tired Of Explaining Myself

I’ve cried a lot this past week. Sadly, I’m not sure I’m done. Not going to lie or sugar coat anything. Recently, it’s just been a living Hell as my nerve pain keeps rearing it’s ugly head. Every time things escalate it sends me into a level of shock. In fact, anytime your entire body […]

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Pain Changes You

I’m in a very low spot that’s for sure. Not depressed, but certainly overwhelmed by the pain. Been having to just take deep breaths in and out. Fortunately, I’m not in unfamiliar territory. But, the pain and anxiety are no walk in the park. Satan is trying his best to knock the wind out of […]

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In The Moment

Yesterday, I really did think I could have a stroke any moment. My heart was pounding more than ever before. I felt so light headed I could barely see to drive to Urgent Care. My wife wasn’t home otherwise I would’ve never driven myself. Only my growing fear by the minute compelled me to get […]

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It’s Just Where I Am

I just got home earlier from Urgent Care. The only reason I went this time was things just felt so different. In fact, to be honest I was terrified. I really thought I could pass out any minute. My heart felt like it could jump out my chest. My face was flush and my head […]

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I Hate The Pain But

Laying on my heated mattress top trying to stay still as possible. The heating pad covering my back is on high. The pain has made me so nauseous. I would give anything for an IV drip of morphine. I’ve been so blessed to go days without this rotten feeling. All I can say is I […]

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Help Me Do Better Jesus

I hate days like today. There’s been very few moments that I’ve not been miserable. I’m also very mad at myself. Once again I didn’t respect my nerve condition enough in recent days. It’s that denial I talk about often. You start feeling better so you think you’ve been cured. You want to believe you’ve […]

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Understanding Chronic Illness

When I say chronic illness I’m talking about a life altering health condition that affects a person daily. Something doctors say they can’t cure. Sadly, all they can try to do is contain your symptoms. All you can do is learn how to best deal with it. Understanding what you can and can’t do takes […]

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A Very Painful Day

Seems I can’t ever go more than a few days without my entire body crashing. It is always a combo of several factors. Often it’s a couple tough days that lead to the worst days. Sunday I drank way too much caffeine and walked way too much. Monday I did not rest like I should […]

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No Sleep In 3 Years

Well, the title of this may be a little misleading. I’m sure if I had been up that entire time it would be a world record. It has definitely been well over 3 years since I’ve slept a wink without medication. Every time I’ve tried to not use some sleep aid. I’ve been left wide […]

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I’m Doing Good, BUT

Anytime I look at how far down I was before. I can’t help but thank God for where I am now. I know what it’s like to feel you’ve totally lost control. I know what it’s like to feel one step away from giving up. To feel so bad that you can’t imagine continuing life […]

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You Are Not Alone

I’m about to tell you something many need to hear. I talk with so many people who feel their life is a train wreck. People that feel they are the only hot mess. They feel this way because everything seems to be falling apart. They take one step forward and then start rolling backwards. They […]

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Parenting Reflections From A Dad

As a dad of four boys I’ve learned more from them at this point. My boys are ages 20, 18, 16, and almost 10 years old. Of course, I give my wife the greatest credit for being an amazing full time mom. I hope I’ve been an above average part time dad. I say part […]

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Something Had To Change

I woke this morning feeling like I had been tear gassed. By far it was the deepest fog I had ever experienced. I knew if I could get everything out of my system something had to change. A deep fog was constant in my head. My ability to think, focus or even function period was […]

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I’m Surprised He Is Not

Here I am headed back to bed. My heart still feeling like it could jump right out of my chest. I have no choice but to be still. To let God be God in my life. My weakness is leaving me speechless. My pain has clearly knocked the breath out of me. It’s always unsettling […]

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God Is Not Done

After taking a Valium earlier mid afternoon I finally settled down some. I slept over three hours. Something I never do during the day. But, my nerve wrecked body gave me no choice. I still feel overall like I’ve experienced some traumatic event. My nerves are just very stirred within. I’m still not comfortable in […]

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Dear Counselor

*Below is exactly how I would start out if I were meeting with my counselor right now. Of course, I would elaborate even more on certain things. But, if God gives you anything to share below please do so. It would not only encourage me. But, it could also encourage someone else reading this that […]

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More Than I Can Handle

I have to write this just to get it off my chest. I’m sure somebody else can identify. Right now I feel like a complete prisoner in my own body. It’s wrecking my every thought. My heart keeps beating faster and faster. I can’t figure out anything I can do presently to change things. Fortunately, […]

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Faith Must Override Feelings

Today has been one of the most uncomfortable days of my life. From the moment I got up my world has been spinning. I’ve not been able to see anything clearly. My entire body has been vibrating with nerve sensations. There is only one common denominator for any of these moments that occur. Anytime I […]

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Thankful And Partly Cloudy

Recently, I shared how I had to increase my medication dosage. Well, it’s certainly been doing it’s job. My nerve pain is much more under control. I’m very happy for the relief. Especially the fact I no longer feel like I’m constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown. What I don’t like is the […]

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What Are You Worried About?

For many of us our minds are filled with emotions. We over think so many things and situations. What could go wrong? What might go wrong? What has gone wrong? Next thing we know we need somebody to give us a chill pill before we totally freak out. No, you’re not the only one that […]

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We All Need A Day Of Rest

I’ve been a minister of the gospel for twenty six years and counting. Nearly twelve years were spent in associate roles. The past 14 years I’ve been a senior pastor. Just like most ministers I can tell you that Sundays are anything but a day of rest for me. In fact, for me it’s by […]

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Hilinski: Bringing Hope Beyond Football

Ryan Hilinski is just another 18 year old. However, he was one of the most sought after college quarterback recruits in the nation. At least 32 top 50 schools offered him a full scholarship to play quarterback. Schools such as Georgia, LSU, Ohio State, Oregon, Texas A&M, Stanford and his state’s pride and joy the […]

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Invisible Pain, Obvious Frustration

People see me on the outside and say man you look like you’re doing really good. Thank God I am now able to say I’m doing much better. I’m coping better. I getting around better. Overall, I’m just ecstatic that I’m even able to have a quality conversation, pick up a few groceries and still […]

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Day and Night Difference

So, I’m pretty sluggish and feel like I could sleep upside down. The extra medication has definitely made me very drowsy. However, not one bit of nauseous or extreme nerve pain all day. Just like that I’m back on track with bearable pain. I’m so thankful for the relief. It seems God has to allow […]

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My Nerves Are Now Settled

First thing this morning I made a medication adjustment. My pain management doctor recommended this in the past. He said with the severity of my nerve damage I would need to be taking at least 75mg of Amitriptyline to keep things calm. Well, that day has finally come and praise God it’s working. I was […]

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A Day I Hope Not To Repeat

Finally laying down in hopes of getting some sleep. I’m going to bed feeling I could throw up due to these constant nerve sensations. There is not a part of me that doesn’t feel uncomfortable. This stuff is kinda like an earthquake inside of my body. It just shakes me all over. Afterwards I’m just […]

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Dear God’s Child

I know you’re frightened by the way you feel right now. You wonder how you can possibly do anything in your shape. Especially when you never know when this condition is gonna rear it’s ugly head. Your body, heart, and mind are being rocked to the core. However, you know you’ve experienced far worse before. […]

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Once Again In Deep Waters

I’m sitting here completely still in my living room chair. There’s not a piece of my body that is not continuously vibrating. Inside I feel so nauseous and paralyzed at the same time. It’s like I’m being held hostage in my own body. Like someone flipped a switch inside of me. Like my entire nervous […]

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I Can’t Fight These Feelings

I’ve felt these feelings so many times before. It’s like my body is a wind chime. Right now the wind is piercing through my entire lower body. And I’ve not even gotten out of bed. I’ve laid all night on a heated mattress pad. Crazy how even the slightest changes in temperature affect my body […]

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Why I’m Not Writing As Much

Just thought I would jump on here and share a few words of encouragement. I do pray for each of you often as I know many reading this struggle greatly. However, I’ve had to apply to myself something I’ve preached to others for years. That is you must tend to your own health before you […]

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Tempted To Quit

I’ve been up since 2am this morning. Considering my day has lasted almost 19 hours. I’m very lucky to not be consumed with too much nauseating pain. Both services I preached this morning were nothing but a blur for me. Just as it has been the past few Sundays. It was all I could do […]

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Hold Me Jesus

I slept a few hours and suddenly woke up around 2am. No matter what I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Of course, I’ve got a very long God made day ahead. Two services to preach and several to baptize at the river. Honestly, I’m never worried about God doing His part. I just don’t […]

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Another Saturday Night

Last night my body felt every degree of temperature change. Any coolness in the air cuts straight through my lower body. Even sleeping in pants, socks and on a heated mattress cover I’m still being impacted. As I continue to recover from my recent shot. It’s been quite a double team of preying on my […]

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My Front Porch To Yours

Someone asked earlier if I just write about certain things or from firsthand experience. I quickly responded by saying I only write about things I’ve personally experienced. In fact, I don’t just write about them, but I most often write while I’m going through them. The truth is without the struggle I would rarely write […]

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When The Devil Body Slams You

No matter how many times it happens you never get used to it. In fact, you try to avoid in every way possible. But, when the devil body slams you he usually doesn’t ask your permission. It’s like he comes out of nowhere. Doesn’t matter the time or day. Suddenly he knocks you to the […]

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The Temptation To Quit

Trying to minister to others with my nerve condition is very difficult everyday. This thorn in my flesh makes it so hard to study, think, counsel, and ever feel comfortable. At the same time I know God has a reason for this struggle. But, it takes everything I’ve got to keep pressing forward by faith. […]

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Purposeful Pain

Here I am again dealing with radiating pain all throughout my lower body. This time it was actually self-inflicted. I chose to get another epidural injection yesterday morning. I knew from the past that this shot would bring me greater pain. Way before I will receive any relieving gain. I knew the reward of future […]

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Time For Another Shot

Tomorrow bright and early my wife will take me for another epidural injection. This is to treat the lowest rooted nerves in my spine. Time has proven this area will keep giving me fits if not kept in check. So far every injection in this area has proven to help manage the pain. For once […]

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When I Look Back

In the midst of your greatest struggles. It can be very hard to see what God is doing. You’re just consumed by the pain. It’s not that you don’t think God has a purpose for everything. You’re just trying to survive the next minute of misery. Trust me, I’ve been there on many occasions. I […]

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Measuring Success

Today was a very long day. It started around 5:30am and is finally ending at 10:30pm. As I lay here I’m just trying to catch my breath. I’ve ministered to so many people today. I’ve given the best I’ve had to offer. I continue to see God changing so many lives Sunday after Sunday. Yet, […]

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Anxiety Weighs You Down

It starts out by making you feel unsettled. Then your heart begins to race. Your mind feels so unsure about everything. Anxiety knocks the wind out of your sails. As it seeks to tie a brick around your neck that feels heavier and heavier. I’m very familiar with this emotion. Why? Because I deal with […]

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Way Better Than Yesterday

Yesterday was just not a good day. Satan had a field day with my mind, heart and body. Yes, I do realize it was Friday 13th. However, everything felt like a physical and spiritual war. I was so worked up within all day. I was up the majority of last night due to my anxiety. […]

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Just Keep The Faith

I’m at that place where without faith I’m sure to fall apart. The enemy has thrown countless flaming arrows my way. My heart is leaking from all the holes created over time. Still I’m fighting with all I’ve got within me. Most importantly God is fighting for me. Even as a pastor I have to […]

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SUICIDE: WHAT CAN WE DO?

Rarely do I ever speak to someone that has not been impacted by this dreaded reality. For most it’s a word we don’t like to use or hear. The very thought of it makes us uncomfortable. However, due to the growing number of surprising suicides it’s time for us all to ask ourselves what can […]

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I’m Coming Out The Closet

Right now I’m just flat shot. I’m not talking just a little tired. I’m not talking about just a bad day. I’m talking about a series of days that I must admit have left me feeling broken. But, everybody knows we should never let others know such stuff. They might not think the same of […]

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We All Cope In Different Ways

By now many of have probably noticed a trend. When I’m really hurting I write a lot. I don’t do it for self-pity. I don’t just do it so it might encourage someone. I do it because I feel compelled to share my story. For me it’s one of the key ways I cope with […]

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Give Up The Fight

This past Sunday I preached about being caught in a raging storm. I knew before I preached it that I would be forced to practice it very soon. Some folks didn’t make it out the parking lot before they were pounded. Others like myself had about 24 hours before the next storm hit. And, I’m […]

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What A Long, Long Day

All day I’ve tried to shake it. I’ve uttered many prayers. Talked with others hoping for encouragement. Tried to rest it off. Kept myself from anything possible to reduce my stress level. Still this storm cloud over my head won’t move. The devil is working overtime to knock me down. With every move forward I […]

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Just Barely Hanging On

Today has just not been easy. My neuropathy has been flaring all throughout my body. My vision is still blurred by my meds. My mind has struggled to see anything in a non stressful manner. I’m just having one of those really tough days. I guess the good news is I’m able to recognize what […]

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If I’m Honest Lord

Lord Jesus, here I am again down on my knees. In need of you holding my heart. Seems every time I get going I try to run ahead of you. Time keeps proving the only way I can do anything is to walk with you. To know that you are always with me. If I’m […]

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You Gotta Watch Yourself

There’s nothing I enjoy more than helping people find greater peace and purpose in Christ. It’s something I’ve been doing for so many years. So long that it’s simply a way of life for me. Yet, while my heart has not changed my body’s limitations have drastically changed. Enough that I have to constantly watch […]

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Exhausted and Blessed

Overall, today has been a really good pain day. Everything was bearable and allowed me to do several things. I gave all I had when I preached both morning worship services. When your heart is so connected to what your saying it’s definitely emotionally draining. Yet, I could see what God was doing in the […]

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You Will Be Alright

A lot has changed for me over the past few years. This nagging pain has changed my entire approach to life. There’s many unpredictable moments I have to deal with daily. Fortunately, my coping skills have improved greatly. But, I still don’t like it. I don’t like feeling like my nerves could crash any moment. […]

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I’m Taking Another Extensive Break

I’ve been thinking about this the past few days. I believe it’s best I take another extensive break from posting anything about my pain journey on social media. No, I’m not the worst I’ve ever been especially compared to a year ago this time. A year ago I really thought I needed to file for […]

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I’ve Been So Blessed

I grew up in a Christian home raised by two great parents. Never did I feel unloved. Never did I feel scared for even one day. Compared to most I’ve always had a great life. Married a beautiful woman 23 years ago I dearly love and who I know still dearly loves me. We have […]

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Another Disappointing Night

After spending over four hours straight in the tub I thought my pain had settled down. Just minutes after getting out I was hit again with that old familiar nauseous pain. Like poison running through my veins there’s nothing that feels good underneath my skin. I looked at my wife earlier with a lump in […]

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Acceptance or Denial

Several times recently I’ve had people who really care about me compel some self-questioning. They wonder how I keep such a positive attitude in the midst of this never ending pain. That is apart from God giving me daily strength. God clearly is the obvious answer. However, I’m not sure that has answered all my […]

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Waiting On My Rainbow

You would think I should be used to it by now. But, you never get used to rain falling down on your parade. I had gotten my shower, got dressed and was waiting on my wife to pick me up for supper at Cracker Barrel. By the time she arrived I was already melting due […]

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It’s Been Awhile Because

It’s actually been 3 days since I’ve updated you on my condition. This week has been incredibly busy in a good way. And incredibly busy in a bad way as far as it’s impact on my body. Overall, I’m very happy with how my body is responding. I’m slowly but surely turning my recovery efforts […]

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How Did People Survive?

I can’t imagine how those back in the dark ages dealt with certain severe pain. We’ve only been without power less than two hours and I’m beyond struggling. I need a heating pad or a hot bath badly. This weather outside is cutting through my body. I feel like someone broke into my house and […]

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Why Am I Being So Tortured?

I’ve tried so hard to overcome this nerve pain. I still feel deep down there’s something I’ve just not figured out yet. This condition doesn’t give me even an inch of grace or a second of warning. For the last several hours I’ve felt like I could throw up any minute. It’s so mentally, emotionally […]

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Lord I Come To You

Dear Heavenly Father, How Holy and awesome are your name. You are my rock, my refuge, my strength and my only constant peace in this life. You alone hold me together. Only by your grace can I find such favor now and have such a secure future later. Thanks for blessing me in so many […]

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Squirming, Kicking, & Screaming

Yep, I would say that pretty much sums up me right now. From a physical standpoint there’s not much else I can do. It seems to be getting tougher and tougher to ignore. After all, you can only take so much of being completely uncomfortable. Mornings, days, and nights keep feeling like an absolute chore. […]

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Life Has Definitely Changed

Fours years ago you could’ve never convinced me just how much my life would change. I’m not just talking about dealing with such life altering pain. I’m not talking about all the surgeries, injections, my spinal spinal stimulator or countless medical appointments. Sure, all those things have been surprising and very stressful in real time. […]

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Still Learning In 1st Grade

I hate this feeling so much. In fact, it’s what I work so hard to avoid feeling on a daily basis. Once you feel this pain once you will do practically anything to not feel it again. Every fiber of me hurts so badly. I’ve taken all that I have for medications. Now, it’s just […]

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Worth The Pain

My body is finally shot from a long day of giving all I’ve got for ministry purposes. There’s no doubt that Sundays still take everything I’ve got to give and more. Not to mention that even limited caffeine used to stay focus beyond my meds is clearly an issue. Right now my entire body is […]

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Take The Next Right Step

Slept almost 7 hours last night. Which is good for me on a Saturday night. Seems the devil always likes to gives me even greater fits prior to preaching on Sundays. He knows anything that ignites my nerves has a chance of wrecking me. However, I’m finding that the right God led strategy can help […]

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Lots Of Praise Reports

-Slept 9 1/2 hours last night -2nd day of Light Physical Therapy -Took a 30 minute walk -2nd Day Of Pool Therapy -Establishing Routine of activity, drinking water & bedtime -Respecting My Limitations -Scales say I’ve finally hit my most ideal weight of 175lbs. -Lost 30 pounds in 6 1/2 months. -Feeling More Empowered -My […]

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God Spoke Big Through Friends

Today, God has spoken to my heart in many ways. I know He speaks through His Word, the Holy Spirit, and through circumstances. But, often He speaks through people. I won’t mention their names in order to give God all glory. However, two messages I received today gave me significant encouragement. The first church I […]

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I’m Still Learning So Much

Well, I only got 5 1/2 hours sleep last night. But, I can’t explain how much better I felt when I woke up. Yesterday, I just finally crashed. The tears and processing released many toxins. A little bit of sleep took me even further. Today, was a good day for many reasons. One, I woke […]

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Embrace Your Current Reality

Most of us know complete exhaustion melts a a man or woman down. Add to that exhaustion extreme pain and you’re going to have one devastated person. That’s what has collided with me of recent. I’ve gone an entire week with half the sleep this broken body requires for survival. This madness has only fueled […]

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Depression Keeps Knocking

There’s no way to deny that I’m battling the threat of a depression. Anytime you can barely sit, walk, or do things for an extended period of time it’s gonna discourage you. It’s been this way so long. I’m out of strength and so tired of this daily fight. I desperately need to get a […]

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We’re Both Toasted Now What

My precious wife has been on this ride of pain with me for a very long time. She is certainly not a complainer. She has played the most significant role in my recovery journey. In fact, I know without her I would have given up a long time ago. However, we’re reaching a new season. […]

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I Cried My Eyes Out

It’s been nearly two weeks that I couldn’t withstand coughing, sneezing or laughing too hard. Anytime I even take a deep breath this coccyx pain takes my breath away. It’s like I’m being stabbed repeatedly. I had reached the point where this pain just wouldn’t stop and was taking me down daily. Earlier I went […]

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In His Time

The pain I’m enduring is starting to wear me down. Whether morning, day or night it’s still there. There are short periods of time my medications take the edge off. However, my lower back and especially this coccyx pain just wont let up. You can’t run from something that is affected by sitting, walking, standing, […]

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When Things Aren’t Predictable

Whether we think so or not. We all long for certain things to be predictable. Especially when it comes to our physical, mental or emotional health. Often these things get out of line. It makes us feel out of sorts and discombobulated. Everything within us starts scratching and clawing to feel better. We long to […]

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Today’s A New Day

After only five hours of sleep I would usually still feel crippled. With my condition sleep is not an option if I hope for any quality of life. I’ve often said I’m much like a golf cart. Running at a high speed is really not an option. Once my battery dies my entire body starts […]

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I’ve Never Asked God Why But

To my knowledge I’ve never asked why this is happening to me. I’m sure I wondered what really happened to me. In fact, I’m still trying to swallow the aftermath of this hurricane. It’s like having lightening strike you out of nowhere. It’s leaves you stunned and desperate for relief. Now, I’ve continually asked God […]

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You May Feel Like This Too

Your heart drops in disappointment. Your emotions feel like a roller coaster that never ends. Your response to how you’re doing changes every minute. Your worry about tomorrow has to wait because you’ve got to survive today. Welcome to the world of chronic pain. Sadly, you don’t get to choose it, but it chooses you. […]

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Barriers To Breakthrough

I’ve been on edge for many hours today. I’m now toasted from head to toe. Inside my skin just feels burned. The pain on my surgical area is clearly an 8 out of 10. Nausea has been a constant. Best way to sum up how I feel is fried. However, I see God doing more […]

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Listening To The Holy Spirit

Today has been exhausting and powerful all at once. Caffeine yesterday helped me stay focused to preach a funeral. Lots more caffeine today literally was the only thing that kept awake to preach two times this morning. After only 3 hours of sleep I was desperate for alertness. Been drinking lots and lots of water […]

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Unfiltered Letter To God

Written: July 4th, 2019 Dear Heavenly Father, You see the burden you’ve allowed to be placed put upon me. This thorn in my flesh. It affects me physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially day and night. It impacts my wife, children, family, friends and those I seek to minister to in so many ways. It’s like […]

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Take Up Your Cross

It’s 2am and sleep is nowhere to be found. Maybe it’s because of the energy supplement I had to take at lunch time yesterday. Maybe it’s because of these restless legs that are killing me. Maybe it’s because my body only knows how to sleep very medicated. Maybe the devil knows I’m preaching for eternal […]

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We Have This Hope

God you know I’m trying with everything within me to cope each day. This pain wakes me up early and puts me in bed way earlier than I would like. It interrupts my life constantly. I’m not complaining for I know things can always be worse. I’m just being real about this struggle that has […]

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Staying On Track

Things are improving here on pain row. All day long my pain has been much more bearable. By all day I really mean half of day since I didn’t get out of bed until noon. When I did get up I felt much better than yesterday. Still struggling to sit anywhere for any real length […]

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He Rescued Me Again

Earlier I felt like I was stuck in an ant bed. I had moved from uncomfortable to unbearable. I simply did what I’ve had to to do so many times before. I cried out to my God for help. I took my nighttime meds just hoping for sooner than later relief. While fighting the pain […]

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Jesus Take The Whole Wheel

I’ve spent another day in the bed or bath every second. I did take a 15 minute walk hoping to work out some of my discomfort. Sadly this tailbone pain continues to control my entire ability to do anything. This is without expecting to enjoy anything. Shoot, I can’t even walk from my bed to […]

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God Has A Plan Anyway

I stayed in the bed over 17 hours straight. Out of that time I managed to get nearly 10 1/2 hours of sleep with the help of additional muscle relaxers. I hoped to wake up to an entirely new body. The majority of my body did get refreshed. However, this coccyx pain has continued to […]

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Lord, I’m Trusting You

Most should know by now that I choose to write in the pain. Its the only time I can fully articulate my emotions. I don’t have to make up sights and sounds. All I need to do is flesh out my current reality. This pain compels me to write and helps me connect with so […]

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Find Your Median Life

Earlier today I was ready to declare this breakthrough Tuesday. That was not long after my weekly medical massage. While I still had some pain I felt miles beyond my normal. Seems like the slightest bit of relief leads me to believe I’ve been miraculously healed. Every quality moment really does lift my spirit to […]

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Think Moments, Not Days

I’ve not genuinely smiled inside for what seems like weeks. Yes, I have a wonderful wife and four God-given sons who give me plenty of joy. God has blessed me with many friends and family. I love being a pastor and the opportunity to encourage others forward by faith. However, my health has revealed that […]

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Stuck In A Fiery Furnace

If I’m really honest, I’m scared. In fact, I’m very scared because I sincerely don’t know what the next minute will bring. My nervous system is no longer failing me sometimes. It’s back to failing me all the time. No matter what I’ve learned and try to apply. It’s no longer getting out of control, […]

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I Can Feel It

I hear the words of a song my dad and I both used to sing. Except this time I can actually feel them. “Somebody’s praying I can feel it. Somebody’s praying for me. Mighty hands are guiding me to protect me from what I can’t see. Lord, I believe. Lord I believe. Somebody’s praying for […]

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Thank You God

All night was full of tossing, turning, and constant anxiety. No question my system was easily bugged again. I believe it was the caffeine I attempted to consume. I simply drank two cups of coffee last night. And, I only drank half the amount of water I have been drinking daily. I do have several […]

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One Part Affects Many

My nerve pain is calmed down for now. Sadly the hours spent in the tub for relief festered other issues. Yet, I knew no other alternative to dialing things down. My feet and hands were both itching like crazy. Hopefully they have settled down. It’s absolutely crazy all the ways I’m affected by this nerve […]

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Taking Up My Cross

There’s no denying that numerous factors can set off this body full of brokenness. Back pain, spinal stimulation, sugar, coffee, lack of sleep, too much exercise, not enough exercise, stress, socializing, dealing with anything to be honest. All I know is I stay one degree away from boiling over most of the time. So all […]

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God Will Fight For You

It’s Thursday night and I’m feeling those same familiar vibrations I felt before. The ones that ultimately led to total breakdowns the past two weekends. I’ve started back guzzling water hoping to run out this poison if it’s possible. Now anyone vibrating from head toe could never say they are doing great. However, I do […]

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I’ve Not Drowned Yet

Sitting here trying to finish up sermon preparation for Sunday. Early this morning I couldn’t have felt more confident and clear about things. I just knew God was feeding me life changing words to share. Throughout my day many things served as great distractions. It was like trying to focus on something while flies come […]

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No One Sees Your Pain

You don’t look like you’re sick. I saw you smiling and laughing earlier. What’s wrong with your attitude? Seems like everything bothers you. You doing alright because you look much better? After awhile you don’t even feel like defending or explaining yourself.” I know this is a frustration and reality for so many battling chronic […]

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Not Feeling Good Vibes

This pain continues to force itself upon me. Nothing for feels easy anymore. The pain in my lower back surgical area feels as fresh as ever. The vibrations in my lower body are extreme. Just the least bit of stress takes me over the edge. Like it or not my body is shipwrecked. I could […]

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Dear Caregiver

Yes, this message is just for you. You may not be the primary patient in that house. But, you love that person so much your pain can’t be measured. You pray and pray for them to be healed. You at least hope they find greater relief. God knows you are doing your best to be […]

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Ongoing Pain Changes You

Any prolonged suffering wears out it’s welcome quickly. Especially if it stares you in the face every direction. When you can’t just get over it. Instead, you must keep asking God to take you through it. Therefore, even with a very positive outlook nonstop pain changes you. Chronic pain is a never ending battle. The […]

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20 Things I Monitor Daily To Cope

SLEEP I need at least 8-9 hours of actual sleep per night for my best chance at a decent day. Generally I spend at least 10-12 hours daily in the bed asleep or awake. Often the only comfortable position is laying on my side. I wear a Fitbit Blaze to keep track of my sleeping […]

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No One Wants To Hear This

I don’t have anything terrible to share with you today. However, I do believe some of what I will say most don’t want to hear. I really didn’t in my past days. I’m all ears now because reality has opened my eyes wide. My life has been disrupted by this painful truth. So, here it […]

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I’m Officially Broken

Last Sunday and this past Saturday were two of my most painful days ever. Probably because they are my most recent days of complete torture. No I’ve never been kidnapped, homeless, beaten up by someone, or diagnosed with some terminal illness. I do know what it feels like to think your entire insides are being […]

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I Can Relate To Job

I can relate to the book of Job in so many ways. He felt like he couldn’t handle what suffering God was allowing. He said it’s too much. Lord why don’t you just take my life. In fact, why did you even let me born for such pain. His grief was constant and insane. He […]

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My Saturday Became Sunday

Today’s Saturday officially became last week’s Sunday. My escalating nerve issues shook my insides hour by hour. This led to psychotic behavior and being someone who felt totally out of control. The longer things went on my anxiety level kept rising. I didn’t know how to stop this nightmare roller coaster. Finally I reached such […]

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Asking God For Wisdom

I’m now some better than I was I believe. I’ve not really uttered many words out loud or got around anyone. I’ve just laid prayerfully still in my bed. I can still feel my heart racing. It’s like having a constant seizure internally when this stuff hits. I wish I could make sense of it […]

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My Heart Is Breaking

Warning: This is just me sharing the guts of where I am right now. Here I am again vibrating from feet to face. Fortunately and unfortunately this is familiar territory. My heart is racing and has been for a few hours. Last night was the only night I had anything with major sugar or caffeine. […]

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Humbling, Healing, Going, Growing

It’s been a great two days compared to the last many before. My spinal cord stimulator continues to provide consistent relief. My recent shot injection site has remained bearable. Even despite only 4 1/2 hours sleep last night I’m encouraged by what I’m feeling. Of course, I definitely need to get much better sleep tonight […]

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Finding New Level Strength

This week has felt like nothing but a blur of pain. I’ve spent day and night laying down as still as possible. Yet, I was still able to get much done with God’s help. I had to stay determined and focused to make any progress. Whether that meant working on my side or crawling to […]

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The Road To Total Wellness

I can’t put into words how much today’s medical massage helped reduce my pain level. The lady that worked on me definitely specializes in unique cases like me. In just 30 minutes she reduced the pain near my injection site by fifty percent or more. I can now stand or walk without blinding pain. I’ve […]

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Do What You Can

I’m committed to doing whatever I can to get healthier. I’m now getting a medical massage every week. I’m meeting with a nutritionist next week. I’m constantly drinking water and staying away from heavy amounts of caffeine or sugar. As soon as this shot brings me greater comfort I will start back my daily walking […]

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Praise Through The Pain

I went to bed aching and woke up aching. The pain is making me very nauseous. Thank God my meds helped me sleep through the night. However, my pain was certainly my first and loudest alarm clock. My throbbing injection sight woke me up bright and early. Just to walk twelve feet to the bathroom […]

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Such Room To Grow

Not gonna lie about it. I’m pretty disappointed with my present pain level from this shot. I really thought I was ahead of things when I first woke up this morning. Now it’s constantly throbbing at the injection site. It’s only gotten progressively worse this afternoon and evening. Being a veteran of much greater pain […]

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My Grace Is Sufficient

Things have not been easy today. It amazes me how one small area of my body can cause such issues. I’ve still got a major pain hangover from my recent shot. It hurts to stand, sit or walk around. I’m having to finally just lay down and hope to rest things off. I’m continuing to […]

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No Pain, No Gain

Slept the best I have in days last night. After nearly 8 hours sleep I feel so much stronger overall. The injection site is still sore, but better than yesterday. I’m very confident more relief will come soon. This is the only type shot that has proven to work for me given time. It can […]

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You Can’t Rush Healing

It’s been almost 34 hours since I got my trigger injections. Right now it feels like someone pulled a trigger and shot me multiple times. I’ve been laying in the bed constantly for the past 1 1/2 days. Still living on ice and trying to play my part as a good patient. However, there is […]

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Been Awake All Night

It’s been a long time since I’ve pulled an all nighter. This is why I never nap during the day. Usually I hurt way too much to sleep anyway. But, I spent all of yesterday in the bed after getting my pain shot. I also took medications to make that sleep possible. My body has […]

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Peace Is Rising

Well, I just finally got like my 17th pain injection in just the past few years. While I know the drill by heart it always brings a little anxiety. It also brings with it much pain the next couple days to follow. Based on other experiences I believe this coccyx shot went smoothly. I will […]

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Torture & Treasured Moments

This Sunday morning was by far one of the hardest days of my life. No, I’m not exaggerating one bit. I cried harder and more than I can ever remember in one day. Before I ever preached the first service I thought I cried out everything. Then, to begin the second service I knew there […]

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Lord Use Mean

Been up since 3am which is not good with my condition. Got around 4 hours of sleep which is better than nothing. Laying on my side my spinal cord stimulator has me comfortable. And a heating pad has proven to be my latest best friend. So glad it’s summertime because the outside temperature doesn’t affect […]

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The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Not going to lie I’ve felt miserable most of the day. Had to keep my stimulator off more than five hours straight because my body would not stop vibrating. It never has stopped shaking me inside from my feet to my face. I had to turn the unit back on around 3 hours ago because […]

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I’m Not Who I Was

When I hear those words they resonate as good and bad. Clearly, I’m not who I used to be physically speaking. I can’t handle but a small portion of what I used to be able to do. However, daily God is radically changing my heart and perspective for the better. If I’ve learned anything it’s […]

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Desperate To Meet You

There used to be a time when I could easily just step away to meet with God. I would just head out my house and find some quiet place to hear God’s voice. There was no distance I wasn’t willing to drive. No sacrifice I was not willing to make early or late to just […]

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Dealing With Chronic Pain

In your head it’s just hurting right now. It will get better soon you say to yourself. However, it’s been like this many days for a long time. You want to think it’s just a season. When really it’s a major pain part of your life for a reason. Laying endless hours in your bed […]

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One Giant Leap For Mankind

Tonight marked the beginning of something God had in mine before I was ever born. After a few long years of pain and processing it was time. God made the weather perfect. Several days of rain mixed with partly cloudy skies created a cool breeze. Underneath that gazebo were those battling chronic pain, illness, and […]

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The Battle Is Calming

My heart has finally settling down some. For awhile I thought it might jump out my chest. I simply have no idea why this unit is randomly doing this to me all of sudden. It’s done so well for so long. I’ve learned so much about how to best use it. Now I’m just at […]

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Why I Write IN The Pain

Over the past few years I’ve actually had several people say “all you do is talk about your pain.” As I told a told a very dear senior citizen lady a long time ago “that’s because I’m always in pain.” Truth is I started my faith walking page so I could continue to process my […]

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Jesus Wept

My body will not quit vibrating so I’ve had to take an emergency Valium. It’s been continuous even an 1 1/2 hours after shutting off my stimulator. It really stinks in every way. I know it will pass eventually, but it’s got me rattled to my very core once more. I’m being shaken constantly inside […]

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Such A Roller Coaster

Every night lately I’ve been reminded just why God is leading me to do this Chronic Pain support group. I understand this roller coaster called pain. I know what it feels like to feel so hopeful one minute and hopeless the next. To feel somewhat normal one second and then on the verge of insanity […]

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