FAITH WALKING Category

Squirming, Kicking, & Screaming

Yep, I would say that pretty much sums up me right now. From a physical standpoint there’s not much else I can do. It seems to be getting tougher and tougher to ignore. After all, you can only take so much of being completely uncomfortable. Mornings, days, and nights keep feeling like an absolute chore. […]

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Life Has Definitely Changed

Fours years ago you could’ve never convinced me just how much my life would change. I’m not just talking about dealing with such life altering pain. I’m not talking about all the surgeries, injections, my spinal spinal stimulator or countless medical appointments. Sure, all those things have been surprising and very stressful in real time. […]

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Still Learning In 1st Grade

I hate this feeling so much. In fact, it’s what I work so hard to avoid feeling on a daily basis. Once you feel this pain once you will do practically anything to not feel it again. Every fiber of me hurts so badly. I’ve taken all that I have for medications. Now, it’s just […]

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Worth The Pain

My body is finally shot from a long day of giving all I’ve got for ministry purposes. There’s no doubt that Sundays still take everything I’ve got to give and more. Not to mention that even limited caffeine used to stay focus beyond my meds is clearly an issue. Right now my entire body is […]

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Take The Next Right Step

Slept almost 7 hours last night. Which is good for me on a Saturday night. Seems the devil always likes to gives me even greater fits prior to preaching on Sundays. He knows anything that ignites my nerves has a chance of wrecking me. However, I’m finding that the right God led strategy can help […]

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Lots Of Praise Reports

-Slept 9 1/2 hours last night -2nd day of Light Physical Therapy -Took a 30 minute walk -2nd Day Of Pool Therapy -Establishing Routine of activity, drinking water & bedtime -Respecting My Limitations -Scales say I’ve finally hit my most ideal weight of 175lbs. -Lost 30 pounds in 6 1/2 months. -Feeling More Empowered -My […]

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God Spoke Big Through Friends

Today, God has spoken to my heart in many ways. I know He speaks through His Word, the Holy Spirit, and through circumstances. But, often He speaks through people. I won’t mention their names in order to give God all glory. However, two messages I received today gave me significant encouragement. The first church I […]

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I’m Still Learning So Much

Well, I only got 5 1/2 hours sleep last night. But, I can’t explain how much better I felt when I woke up. Yesterday, I just finally crashed. The tears and processing released many toxins. A little bit of sleep took me even further. Today, was a good day for many reasons. One, I woke […]

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Embrace Your Current Reality

Most of us know complete exhaustion melts a a man or woman down. Add to that exhaustion extreme pain and you’re going to have one devastated person. That’s what has collided with me of recent. I’ve gone an entire week with half the sleep this broken body requires for survival. This madness has only fueled […]

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Depression Keeps Knocking

There’s no way to deny that I’m battling the threat of a depression. Anytime you can barely sit, walk, or do things for an extended period of time it’s gonna discourage you. It’s been this way so long. I’m out of strength and so tired of this daily fight. I desperately need to get a […]

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We’re Both Toasted Now What

My precious wife has been on this ride of pain with me for a very long time. She is certainly not a complainer. She has played the most significant role in my recovery journey. In fact, I know without her I would have given up a long time ago. However, we’re reaching a new season. […]

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I Cried My Eyes Out

It’s been nearly two weeks that I couldn’t withstand coughing, sneezing or laughing too hard. Anytime I even take a deep breath this coccyx pain takes my breath away. It’s like I’m being stabbed repeatedly. I had reached the point where this pain just wouldn’t stop and was taking me down daily. Earlier I went […]

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In His Time

The pain I’m enduring is starting to wear me down. Whether morning, day or night it’s still there. There are short periods of time my medications take the edge off. However, my lower back and especially this coccyx pain just wont let up. You can’t run from something that is affected by sitting, walking, standing, […]

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When Things Aren’t Predictable

Whether we think so or not. We all long for certain things to be predictable. Especially when it comes to our physical, mental or emotional health. Often these things get out of line. It makes us feel out of sorts and discombobulated. Everything within us starts scratching and clawing to feel better. We long to […]

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Today’s A New Day

After only five hours of sleep I would usually still feel crippled. With my condition sleep is not an option if I hope for any quality of life. I’ve often said I’m much like a golf cart. Running at a high speed is really not an option. Once my battery dies my entire body starts […]

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I’ve Never Asked God Why But

To my knowledge I’ve never asked why this is happening to me. I’m sure I wondered what really happened to me. In fact, I’m still trying to swallow the aftermath of this hurricane. It’s like having lightening strike you out of nowhere. It’s leaves you stunned and desperate for relief. Now, I’ve continually asked God […]

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You May Feel Like This Too

Your heart drops in disappointment. Your emotions feel like a roller coaster that never ends. Your response to how you’re doing changes every minute. Your worry about tomorrow has to wait because you’ve got to survive today. Welcome to the world of chronic pain. Sadly, you don’t get to choose it, but it chooses you. […]

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Barriers To Breakthrough

I’ve been on edge for many hours today. I’m now toasted from head to toe. Inside my skin just feels burned. The pain on my surgical area is clearly an 8 out of 10. Nausea has been a constant. Best way to sum up how I feel is fried. However, I see God doing more […]

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Listening To The Holy Spirit

Today has been exhausting and powerful all at once. Caffeine yesterday helped me stay focused to preach a funeral. Lots more caffeine today literally was the only thing that kept awake to preach two times this morning. After only 3 hours of sleep I was desperate for alertness. Been drinking lots and lots of water […]

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Unfiltered Letter To God

Written: July 4th, 2019 Dear Heavenly Father, You see the burden you’ve allowed to be placed put upon me. This thorn in my flesh. It affects me physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially day and night. It impacts my wife, children, family, friends and those I seek to minister to in so many ways. It’s like […]

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Take Up Your Cross

It’s 2am and sleep is nowhere to be found. Maybe it’s because of the energy supplement I had to take at lunch time yesterday. Maybe it’s because of these restless legs that are killing me. Maybe it’s because my body only knows how to sleep very medicated. Maybe the devil knows I’m preaching for eternal […]

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We Have This Hope

God you know I’m trying with everything within me to cope each day. This pain wakes me up early and puts me in bed way earlier than I would like. It interrupts my life constantly. I’m not complaining for I know things can always be worse. I’m just being real about this struggle that has […]

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Staying On Track

Things are improving here on pain row. All day long my pain has been much more bearable. By all day I really mean half of day since I didn’t get out of bed until noon. When I did get up I felt much better than yesterday. Still struggling to sit anywhere for any real length […]

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He Rescued Me Again

Earlier I felt like I was stuck in an ant bed. I had moved from uncomfortable to unbearable. I simply did what I’ve had to to do so many times before. I cried out to my God for help. I took my nighttime meds just hoping for sooner than later relief. While fighting the pain […]

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Jesus Take The Whole Wheel

I’ve spent another day in the bed or bath every second. I did take a 15 minute walk hoping to work out some of my discomfort. Sadly this tailbone pain continues to control my entire ability to do anything. This is without expecting to enjoy anything. Shoot, I can’t even walk from my bed to […]

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God Has A Plan Anyway

I stayed in the bed over 17 hours straight. Out of that time I managed to get nearly 10 1/2 hours of sleep with the help of additional muscle relaxers. I hoped to wake up to an entirely new body. The majority of my body did get refreshed. However, this coccyx pain has continued to […]

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Lord, I’m Trusting You

Most should know by now that I choose to write in the pain. Its the only time I can fully articulate my emotions. I don’t have to make up sights and sounds. All I need to do is flesh out my current reality. This pain compels me to write and helps me connect with so […]

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Find Your Median Life

Earlier today I was ready to declare this breakthrough Tuesday. That was not long after my weekly medical massage. While I still had some pain I felt miles beyond my normal. Seems like the slightest bit of relief leads me to believe I’ve been miraculously healed. Every quality moment really does lift my spirit to […]

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Think Moments, Not Days

I’ve not genuinely smiled inside for what seems like weeks. Yes, I have a wonderful wife and four God-given sons who give me plenty of joy. God has blessed me with many friends and family. I love being a pastor and the opportunity to encourage others forward by faith. However, my health has revealed that […]

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Stuck In A Fiery Furnace

If I’m really honest, I’m scared. In fact, I’m very scared because I sincerely don’t know what the next minute will bring. My nervous system is no longer failing me sometimes. It’s back to failing me all the time. No matter what I’ve learned and try to apply. It’s no longer getting out of control, […]

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I Can Feel It

I hear the words of a song my dad and I both used to sing. Except this time I can actually feel them. “Somebody’s praying I can feel it. Somebody’s praying for me. Mighty hands are guiding me to protect me from what I can’t see. Lord, I believe. Lord I believe. Somebody’s praying for […]

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Thank You God

All night was full of tossing, turning, and constant anxiety. No question my system was easily bugged again. I believe it was the caffeine I attempted to consume. I simply drank two cups of coffee last night. And, I only drank half the amount of water I have been drinking daily. I do have several […]

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One Part Affects Many

My nerve pain is calmed down for now. Sadly the hours spent in the tub for relief festered other issues. Yet, I knew no other alternative to dialing things down. My feet and hands were both itching like crazy. Hopefully they have settled down. It’s absolutely crazy all the ways I’m affected by this nerve […]

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Taking Up My Cross

There’s no denying that numerous factors can set off this body full of brokenness. Back pain, spinal stimulation, sugar, coffee, lack of sleep, too much exercise, not enough exercise, stress, socializing, dealing with anything to be honest. All I know is I stay one degree away from boiling over most of the time. So all […]

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God Will Fight For You

It’s Thursday night and I’m feeling those same familiar vibrations I felt before. The ones that ultimately led to total breakdowns the past two weekends. I’ve started back guzzling water hoping to run out this poison if it’s possible. Now anyone vibrating from head toe could never say they are doing great. However, I do […]

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I’ve Not Drowned Yet

Sitting here trying to finish up sermon preparation for Sunday. Early this morning I couldn’t have felt more confident and clear about things. I just knew God was feeding me life changing words to share. Throughout my day many things served as great distractions. It was like trying to focus on something while flies come […]

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No One Sees Your Pain

You don’t look like you’re sick. I saw you smiling and laughing earlier. What’s wrong with your attitude? Seems like everything bothers you. You doing alright because you look much better? After awhile you don’t even feel like defending or explaining yourself.” I know this is a frustration and reality for so many battling chronic […]

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Not Feeling Good Vibes

This pain continues to force itself upon me. Nothing for feels easy anymore. The pain in my lower back surgical area feels as fresh as ever. The vibrations in my lower body are extreme. Just the least bit of stress takes me over the edge. Like it or not my body is shipwrecked. I could […]

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Dear Caregiver

Yes, this message is just for you. You may not be the primary patient in that house. But, you love that person so much your pain can’t be measured. You pray and pray for them to be healed. You at least hope they find greater relief. God knows you are doing your best to be […]

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Ongoing Pain Changes You

Any prolonged suffering wears out it’s welcome quickly. Especially if it stares you in the face every direction. When you can’t just get over it. Instead, you must keep asking God to take you through it. Therefore, even with a very positive outlook nonstop pain changes you. Chronic pain is a never ending battle. The […]

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20 Things I Monitor Daily To Cope

SLEEP I need at least 8-9 hours of actual sleep per night for my best chance at a decent day. Generally I spend at least 10-12 hours daily in the bed asleep or awake. Often the only comfortable position is laying on my side. I wear a Fitbit Blaze to keep track of my sleeping […]

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No One Wants To Hear This

I don’t have anything terrible to share with you today. However, I do believe some of what I will say most don’t want to hear. I really didn’t in my past days. I’m all ears now because reality has opened my eyes wide. My life has been disrupted by this painful truth. So, here it […]

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I’m Officially Broken

Last Sunday and this past Saturday were two of my most painful days ever. Probably because they are my most recent days of complete torture. No I’ve never been kidnapped, homeless, beaten up by someone, or diagnosed with some terminal illness. I do know what it feels like to think your entire insides are being […]

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I Can Relate To Job

I can relate to the book of Job in so many ways. He felt like he couldn’t handle what suffering God was allowing. He said it’s too much. Lord why don’t you just take my life. In fact, why did you even let me born for such pain. His grief was constant and insane. He […]

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My Saturday Became Sunday

Today’s Saturday officially became last week’s Sunday. My escalating nerve issues shook my insides hour by hour. This led to psychotic behavior and being someone who felt totally out of control. The longer things went on my anxiety level kept rising. I didn’t know how to stop this nightmare roller coaster. Finally I reached such […]

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Asking God For Wisdom

I’m now some better than I was I believe. I’ve not really uttered many words out loud or got around anyone. I’ve just laid prayerfully still in my bed. I can still feel my heart racing. It’s like having a constant seizure internally when this stuff hits. I wish I could make sense of it […]

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My Heart Is Breaking

Warning: This is just me sharing the guts of where I am right now. Here I am again vibrating from feet to face. Fortunately and unfortunately this is familiar territory. My heart is racing and has been for a few hours. Last night was the only night I had anything with major sugar or caffeine. […]

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Humbling, Healing, Going, Growing

It’s been a great two days compared to the last many before. My spinal cord stimulator continues to provide consistent relief. My recent shot injection site has remained bearable. Even despite only 4 1/2 hours sleep last night I’m encouraged by what I’m feeling. Of course, I definitely need to get much better sleep tonight […]

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Finding New Level Strength

This week has felt like nothing but a blur of pain. I’ve spent day and night laying down as still as possible. Yet, I was still able to get much done with God’s help. I had to stay determined and focused to make any progress. Whether that meant working on my side or crawling to […]

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The Road To Total Wellness

I can’t put into words how much today’s medical massage helped reduce my pain level. The lady that worked on me definitely specializes in unique cases like me. In just 30 minutes she reduced the pain near my injection site by fifty percent or more. I can now stand or walk without blinding pain. I’ve […]

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Do What You Can

I’m committed to doing whatever I can to get healthier. I’m now getting a medical massage every week. I’m meeting with a nutritionist next week. I’m constantly drinking water and staying away from heavy amounts of caffeine or sugar. As soon as this shot brings me greater comfort I will start back my daily walking […]

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Praise Through The Pain

I went to bed aching and woke up aching. The pain is making me very nauseous. Thank God my meds helped me sleep through the night. However, my pain was certainly my first and loudest alarm clock. My throbbing injection sight woke me up bright and early. Just to walk twelve feet to the bathroom […]

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Such Room To Grow

Not gonna lie about it. I’m pretty disappointed with my present pain level from this shot. I really thought I was ahead of things when I first woke up this morning. Now it’s constantly throbbing at the injection site. It’s only gotten progressively worse this afternoon and evening. Being a veteran of much greater pain […]

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My Grace Is Sufficient

Things have not been easy today. It amazes me how one small area of my body can cause such issues. I’ve still got a major pain hangover from my recent shot. It hurts to stand, sit or walk around. I’m having to finally just lay down and hope to rest things off. I’m continuing to […]

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No Pain, No Gain

Slept the best I have in days last night. After nearly 8 hours sleep I feel so much stronger overall. The injection site is still sore, but better than yesterday. I’m very confident more relief will come soon. This is the only type shot that has proven to work for me given time. It can […]

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You Can’t Rush Healing

It’s been almost 34 hours since I got my trigger injections. Right now it feels like someone pulled a trigger and shot me multiple times. I’ve been laying in the bed constantly for the past 1 1/2 days. Still living on ice and trying to play my part as a good patient. However, there is […]

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Been Awake All Night

It’s been a long time since I’ve pulled an all nighter. This is why I never nap during the day. Usually I hurt way too much to sleep anyway. But, I spent all of yesterday in the bed after getting my pain shot. I also took medications to make that sleep possible. My body has […]

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Peace Is Rising

Well, I just finally got like my 17th pain injection in just the past few years. While I know the drill by heart it always brings a little anxiety. It also brings with it much pain the next couple days to follow. Based on other experiences I believe this coccyx shot went smoothly. I will […]

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Torture & Treasured Moments

This Sunday morning was by far one of the hardest days of my life. No, I’m not exaggerating one bit. I cried harder and more than I can ever remember in one day. Before I ever preached the first service I thought I cried out everything. Then, to begin the second service I knew there […]

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Lord Use Mean

Been up since 3am which is not good with my condition. Got around 4 hours of sleep which is better than nothing. Laying on my side my spinal cord stimulator has me comfortable. And a heating pad has proven to be my latest best friend. So glad it’s summertime because the outside temperature doesn’t affect […]

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The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

Not going to lie I’ve felt miserable most of the day. Had to keep my stimulator off more than five hours straight because my body would not stop vibrating. It never has stopped shaking me inside from my feet to my face. I had to turn the unit back on around 3 hours ago because […]

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I’m Not Who I Was

When I hear those words they resonate as good and bad. Clearly, I’m not who I used to be physically speaking. I can’t handle but a small portion of what I used to be able to do. However, daily God is radically changing my heart and perspective for the better. If I’ve learned anything it’s […]

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Desperate To Meet You

There used to be a time when I could easily just step away to meet with God. I would just head out my house and find some quiet place to hear God’s voice. There was no distance I wasn’t willing to drive. No sacrifice I was not willing to make early or late to just […]

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Dealing With Chronic Pain

In your head it’s just hurting right now. It will get better soon you say to yourself. However, it’s been like this many days for a long time. You want to think it’s just a season. When really it’s a major pain part of your life for a reason. Laying endless hours in your bed […]

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One Giant Leap For Mankind

Tonight marked the beginning of something God had in mine before I was ever born. After a few long years of pain and processing it was time. God made the weather perfect. Several days of rain mixed with partly cloudy skies created a cool breeze. Underneath that gazebo were those battling chronic pain, illness, and […]

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The Battle Is Calming

My heart has finally settling down some. For awhile I thought it might jump out my chest. I simply have no idea why this unit is randomly doing this to me all of sudden. It’s done so well for so long. I’ve learned so much about how to best use it. Now I’m just at […]

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Why I Write IN The Pain

Over the past few years I’ve actually had several people say “all you do is talk about your pain.” As I told a told a very dear senior citizen lady a long time ago “that’s because I’m always in pain.” Truth is I started my faith walking page so I could continue to process my […]

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Jesus Wept

My body will not quit vibrating so I’ve had to take an emergency Valium. It’s been continuous even an 1 1/2 hours after shutting off my stimulator. It really stinks in every way. I know it will pass eventually, but it’s got me rattled to my very core once more. I’m being shaken constantly inside […]

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Such A Roller Coaster

Every night lately I’ve been reminded just why God is leading me to do this Chronic Pain support group. I understand this roller coaster called pain. I know what it feels like to feel so hopeful one minute and hopeless the next. To feel somewhat normal one second and then on the verge of insanity […]

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Hoping To Say “Goodbye Donut”

After a couple weeks of dealing with this tailbone (coccyx) pain there’s light in front of me. Got a call from pain management that I will be given a shot this coming Monday at 8:30am. After having things rejected by insurance this past Monday there was no way this could be approved anytime soon. That’s […]

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Remembering Your Faithfulness

Lord I’m doing my best to listen for your voice. In the midst of the madness I know you’re at work. You’re calling loudly for my attention. You’re telling me to “be still and know that you are God.” You’re asking me to give up the fight and let you fight for me. The pain […]

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WANTED: Those In Great Pain

Those who battle chronic pain are my tribe. I deeply understand your frustrations, heartaches and fears. The past few years of my life have felt like a nightmare after a major accident drastically changed my life. In fact, apart from my faith and support system there’s no telling where my life could be headed. I’ve […]

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It Ain’t Nothing But A Tailbone

Earlier I spent a long time on the phone with my current pain specialist office. You know the ones that could make me go crazy any minute. It won’t be until July until I can see my new pain management doctor. Until then I’ve got to do all I can get this much needed injection […]

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Waiting With Expectancy

Today was another God made day. I woke up early feeling as strong I can remember in awhile. I was energized to preach God’s word to two full services of worshippers. The first service I preached standing up for the first time in over six months. I just felt as close to normal as I’ve […]

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God Is So So Good

Today has been nothing short of a God made day. From the great night sleep God allowed. To waking up feeling stronger than I have in well over a week. Two days ago I wondered if I could even attend my son’s graduation. Yesterday I went to bed just hoping I could endure the long […]

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Depleted and Hopeful

Well, there’s no denying how much my stimulator helps me overall. This time it was off for fifteen hours before they switched it back on. Not having it on has practically drained everything out of me. My entire body head to toe just feels depleted of all strength, pain relief and energy. When I got […]

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Prayer Changes Things

My body never hurt any worse than it did last night. I went to bed barely able to move. My wife had to help me to bed like I had just had major surgery. The tears rolled without my permission. All I could do was keep silently saying “Lord please give me a break from […]

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I Know I’m A Pastor But….

This is my 11th blog post in just 4 days. That usually only means one thing. It’s been a very painful week. The good moments I can easily count on one hand. I’ve tried my absolute best to keep my composure and keep the faith. Yet, pain of this magnitude breaks you down in every […]

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God I Need Relief

I feel like nobody understands me. My body stills feels like it’s on fire inside. Add on top of that aching flu like symptoms. Add to that every fiber of my lower back, tailbone, hips and legs throbbing with pain. Having to shut this unit off so long has taken a huge toll on my […]

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Chased By A Lion

Let’s see where do I begin with this one. Most of you know that I’ve had to turn my stimulator off at least six times this week alone. I’ve never turned it off more than once any week over the last two years. Yet, it continues to fry me from within and had to be […]

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When The Pain Won’t End

Pain never comes at a welcoming time. It interrupts your life when you least expect it. Severe pain demands your respect and must be addressed. There’s certainly no need to mask it when others can see it pouring out of you. It has certainly knocked down my walls of pride many times. . Now, I’m […]

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The Battle Is Constant

Sunday’s message must be something amazing. I’m sitting here seeking to let God feed me His life changing word. I’m literally blinded by the nonstop misery in my body. Instead of things decreasing the past 1 1/2 hours my misery has escalated. It’s frightening, miserable and intolerable wrapped all together. My greatest hope is for […]

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I Don’t Know What To Pray

I absolutely hate it, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve now had to turn off my spinal stimulator completely for the second time today. Being over stimulated is like putting me in an electric chair. It makes me feel terrible and like I’m going crazy. Focusing is impossible and everything puts me […]

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Lightening Strikes Again

Turned my spinal stimulator off for the second time today. There’s no doubting that I’ve been very over stimulated. Electrical pulses have been running throughout my body. Any sound or movement around me can trigger me to feelings of insanity. It’s like I’ve swallowed a metal detector and metal is everywhere. I know it sounds […]

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God Is Restoring Me

Been a long day in the Crosby household. Life just hasn’t slowed down the past several days. I’m still having to use my cane due to leg weakness and major tailbone pain. Hoping I hear within a week that my requested pain shot is approved. Just in a wait and see over several key things […]

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Remember When

Most of you remember the day you heard the news. When the doctor came in and told you something you weren’t ready to receive. You immediately put up every defense mechanism possible. Then, you walked out that doctor’s office very much in shock. That life changing visit would then be followed by endless days of […]

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I Would Rather Just Pray

Oh how much easier it is to pray for someone else struggling than to go through certain things yourself. Actually it’s easier to have faith for others than to trust God with yourself. I would much rather stay by the bedside of someone. Than to be in the bedside hurting one day myself. Not that […]

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Shaking My Head

It’s been a rough, painful day since I woke up at 6am. I thought my legs hurt badly last night. However, when I woke up today I could barely drag them even while using my cane. I only slept a few hours. So I knew today would be tough. I have had a busy few […]

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To Whom It May Concern

I’m sharing this now before my nerves change my mind. Many have seen my constant struggle firsthand. The fact that a major slip and fall turned my life completely upside down. Leaving me with permanent nerve damage throughout my lower body. This has totally exposed my humanity. It’s made me feel very low and less […]

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My Legs Are Gone

Right now my legs are out from under me. Never are they feeling great. But, they are miles from great right now. I’ve had to use my cane most of the day in order to take pressure off my lower body. Saying my legs even feel more than 25 percent of full strength would be […]

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Only Half That Man

In my heart and mind I’m stronger than ever. However, my body feels so weak. I’m still in the process of accepting my new limitations. In many respects my new identity is still tough to embrace. Unfortunately, I really have no other choice than to swallow my new reality. I would say I’m beyond the […]

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I Had Hoped By Now

There’s been so many times I thought my worse painful days were behind me. Call it wishful thinking or just pure optimism. I always chose to believe my glass is half full, not empty. In fact, I believe I’m blessed beyond measure even now. I just wish this nagging, nauseating, life altering nerve pain would […]

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Somehow I’m Walking On Water

As I get ready for bed my heart overflows with peace. Somehow today has felt the total opposite of the past few days. My pain is bearable and my anxiety is nowhere to be found. Of course, I have to always respect my condition. What a difference God can make in just a day. His […]

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The Lift I Needed

The past two days have been extremely tough. In fact, today I had to use my walking stick for the first time in six months. My legs have just gotten so weak due to this radiating tailbone pain. Yet, today God provided just the lift I needed. Obviously, laying in the bed constantly was just […]

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Where Are You Sleep?

Usually by now I’m fast asleep. My nighttime medications help me get the sleep I can’t get on my own. Somehow that’s not the case tonight, but hopefully that changes soon. My wife is fast asleep beside me. Typically I’m out way before her. Sleep is definitely one of the best ways for the body […]

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Reality Checks

Laying on my side once again just waiting on my meds to take me to never hurt land. It’s crazy how one small area of pain has me dragging so much. It’s breathtaking to walk at all and there is no comfortable sitting position. Thank God for a great heating pad and medication that will […]

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No One Wants To Hear It

Recently, a lady who is part of this page told me. “Nobody including my own my mom wants to hear that I’m in pain. So now I just sit there miserable in silence or just choose not to be around any of my family.” I told her that is very sad, but is exactly why […]

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Calm Yourself Down

These were the words of my loving, patient wife earlier that needed to be said. Only problem with that request is I can’t always control my body or emotions with this level of pain. I woke up this morning with radiating nerve pain in the lowest nerves in my spine. I knew it was seeking […]

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Maybe You Need To Hear This

I feel led to take the mask off. Not that I’m not transparent all the time. However, I heard a comment recently from someone that unsettled me. This lady said, “I don’t know how you do it. I wish I was as strong as you and your faith.” While I appreciate the encouraging side of […]

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Jaws Is Back In Town

Forgive me for this misleading title for those terrified of sharks. I wouldn’t want to swim in a pool with one of them myself. Unfortunately, I have officially recognized a very big threat to my health nearby. It may sound like nothing to you, but it has proven dangerous to me over time. Therefore, I […]

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Celebrating The Good Stuff

Yesterday was a good day for me considering my condition. Despite it being Memorial Day Weekend many came out for worship. God was once again at work in many lives. I got to share the vision God gave me years ago for Refuge Church. Even greater I get to see God doing great things I […]

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5 Ways To Lift Your Spirit

The longevity of my painful journey has taught me many things. How to believe God when you can’t see anything changing. How to persevere when you feel like giving up. How to wait on God for your breakthrough. I’ve also learned some things critical for keeping your spirit lifted along the way. 1. Be Proactive […]

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I Had To Unplug Myself

The technician that has adjusted my spinal cord stimulator many times said “Mr. Crosby your nerves are super sensitive.” For this reason my unit can only run so high. It doesn’t take much for me to feel it buzzing strongly like electricity inside. If it buzzes too long I feel like I’m going crazy. Yes, […]

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Thank God For Pool Therapy

I’ve been feeling so much better since I got in the pool this afternoon. Being in there cooled and comforted my body so much. No doubting that it lowers my feelings of inflammation. The exercise calms my anxiety and nerve pain. I’m so glad the warmer weather affords me this opportunity. I will be seeking […]

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One Day It Will End

When you have chronic pain you tend to live on a constant merry go round. You wake up in pain. You go through the day in pain. When you try to lay down at night to sleep your pain speaks even louder. The main theme is your battle is never ending. It was after 2am […]

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My Heart Hurts Deeply

Tonight, I attended proudly my son Joel’s final band awards ceremony. I can’t believe my next to oldest is about to graduate high school. That’s gonna be very tough to swallow by itself. However, what hurts so deeply is my absence during his entire high school years. Less than a month into his freshmen year […]

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The Strength Of My Life

I’ve been awake since 4am. No, I’m not an early riser. Yes, I’m still very sleepy. My aching body just has me lying awake again. Nothing unusual with this nerve pain feeling like ice running throughout my body. However, this nauseating feeling is something you never get over. God just keeps taking me through. Recently, […]

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Learning To Breathe

Part of its my very nature. A huge part has just been the feeling of demand on my life for so long. I used to jokingly say that someone was always dying to see me. Sadly, somewhere in my mind I actually believed this lie. I literally treated everything urgent. I felt like I was […]

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Time To Embrace It

I totally believe in being positive. I totally believe in maintaining a faith that says anything is possible. I also believe you need to acknowledge life’s realities while maintaining your faith. Living in denial changes nothing. Moving from denial gives you a chance to make the most of your present new reality. Anyone who lives […]

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Please Cover Me In Prayer

Woke up this morning no worse than I laid down last night. It was a rough night of off and sleep. I think I’ve gained back some mobility in my neck & left shoulder. I just keep having to ice, ice, and ice. This area is so sore, but fortunately trending the right direction. I […]

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Thank God I’m Never Alone

As I lay here on my side the nerves are beginning to settle. My wife and boys had been gone to see a movie. As soon as my better half arrived my heart was more at peace. Just her presence by my bedside lifted my spirit. Knowing she is here for me through life’s ups […]

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In My Distress

It’s never a good sign when you’re taking all your nighttime meds two hours early. A muscle relaxer hours ago helped a little. Icing my neck and shoulder helped some too. Sadly the pain just won’t let up and has come back even stronger. I’m back laying on ice and waiting on several medications to […]

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It’s So Embarrassing

I had just gotten out the shower and all I did was lift one arm in the air. Next thing I know my entire left shoulder is out of commission. Yes, as if I needed further issues. It’s as if a million muscle spasms attacked me all at once. It was all I could do […]

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Mercy Is Rewriting My Life

There were certainly days in the past I wondered if this would ever be possible. My broken body has and still does threaten my joy each day. Never does a step feel easy or an event not challenge my limitations. I still wake up daily fighting to get up and I go to bed fighting […]

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Beware Of Cruise Control

Personally, I don’t want to drive my car without it. You know that button you push that frees you to relax a little. It allows you to take your foot off the gas and brake. In fact, it’s too bad you still have to hold the steering wheel. Otherwise, you might be tempted to just […]

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It’s Like Waking From A Coma

They say waking from a coma is scary. You’re confused about what has or has not happened. You’ve possibly missed a lot of real life moments as you were busy battling for your very life. You fight to get back adjusted to living normal. Yet, there’s no denying your time in that coma affected you […]

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Get Me Out The Way

A few years ago, I knew God had me in a huge transition period. I remember saying, “Lord when you’re done there won’t be anything left of me.” Despite my concerns God continued to stretch me. Despite my fears God continued to test me. Now, despite me God is doing a new thing. There was […]

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Take Time To Breathe

I’m happy to say it’s 5pm and I’ve not left the house once. Even better I’ve not spent this Monday engaged in any major ministry. Monday’s are officially my day of rest except for true emergencies. Yes, my phone rings many times. Yes, there are still countless needs coming my way hourly. However, God has […]

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Humming Along

Today has been a very long Mother’s Day. I believe God did a whole lot despite me at both morning worship services. After church we gathered with my mom and family. Then, tonight we gathered with my mother in law and family. Overall, today was four times as active than I am on any average […]

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Daddy, I Got Your Back

None of my boys have seen my daily battle more than my 9 year old Asher. Since age 5 he has seen the good, bad and ugly due to my nerve wrecked condition. He’s watched me barely be able to walk a step. He’s watched me spend day after day in a bed of misery […]

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When We Were Younger

My emotions have been calm and consistent the past two days. I’ve certainly learned not to take any decent days for granted. While I don’t like physical pain it’s typically my unpredictable nerves that take me over the edge. Even my physical pain has been kept bearable as I continue to respect my condition. Yet, […]

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Kicking, Screaming, & Praising God

Today has by far been my best day this week. Ironically, Thursday was my turning point last week. For the past two weeks in a row Monday through Wednesday has been an outright war. The kind of days you just want to end and hardly a second is enjoyable. No doubt, I’m back in a […]

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Write It Out And Believe

Sometimes you have things inside that just need out. You may not have the strength to say them out loud. You may not have the courage to speak them directly to someone. However, it’s just too heavy to stay on your chest and shoulders. I feel this way often with my health battle. I choose […]

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I Can’t Run From Myself

Once again I’m laying on my side just hoping for the pain to settle. I pretty much never take a nap during the day. Not because I don’t want to, but my body simply won’t allow it. There is basically no position I can lay down that allows me to be comfortable. I would have […]

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It’s Why I Keep Writing

This is my 990th article to post. Tonight while meeting with a very dear brother in Christ I was reminded why I keep writing. I will never forget the first time I read how many people were actually reading my writings. I thought I was just sharing my thoughts and experiences. My online blog stats […]

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It Never Fails To Happen

Practically every morning feels like today. I wake up feeling like every nerve inside my body has been ripped out. It’s such an aching, throbbing, nauseating experience. It’s all I can do to sit up. It usually feels impossible to get up. This has been going on so long you would think it would get […]

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When You Can’t Sleep

Not long ago, this was truly a nightly occurrence. My unbearable pain was constant. I simply couldn’t sleep no matter what I tried. I would beg God for relief from the misery. I would ask other believers to pray on my behalf. All glory to God those days appear behind me. Now, it’s been over […]

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Don’t Just Survive

I’m not sure there is any greater school than the one full of hard knocks. In many ways we do learn most by experience. All of us have been through things that feed our brokenness, humility and life understanding. Yet, it’s not what happens to us that matters most. It certainly matters most how we […]

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Broken Not Finished

The day I fell ruined my life as I once knew it. It shattered by lower back disc and most of my nervous system. No day has been the same since that life changing moment. I’m not sure I can define my body’s condition any better than just broken. Everyday is a physical chore as […]

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God Answered My Prayers

It’s been a God made day. Nothing earth shattering to tell you. In fact, it was far from the best day of my life. But, I feel like I’ve been let out of prison. The past three days was like being held hostage and tormented continuously. I was begging God for freedom from the pain. […]

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So Thankful For Rest & Relief

Praise God! I just finished sleeping 11 hours and 11 minutes. It certainly feels like my stimulator is back to working its magic. I’m a little sluggish. But, I know I’ve got to maintain respect of my limitations. I’m back to monitoring my daily activity. I must do whatever necessary to give myself the best […]

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The Worse Days Of My Life

The hardest days to push through are those you feel nothing but miserable. Yet, you have to find a way to push through anyway. In the moment, you just can’t see yourself making it another step. Even to get up feels like a challenge. Trying to show up feels nearly impossible. Today has definitely been […]

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Lord I Thank You

God just put it on my heart how to praise Him through this storm. There’s so much that makes me smile each day. There are so many blessings I’ve received through my pain. Honestly, I can’t name them all. Here are just a few that stand out. One, I’ve been drawn closer to God. This […]

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There’s Nothing More Doctors Can Do

I wish so badly things weren’t this way. My pain continues to feel breath taking. Its draining every ounce of my strength. My legs feel like they can barely move. I couldn’t hide my battle if I tried. My wife asked earlier “don’t you think you should go to the doctor?” That’s when the cold […]

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Waiting In Pain Is Hard

Woke up again this morning with this terrible nerve wrecking sensation running throughout my body. My spinal stimulator has got to be completely out of sync. What has always worked before just isn’t working now. I slept 7 1/2 hours with the help of medications. I’m very thankful for the break I did get from […]

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The Breakthrough Is Undeniable

An hour before they came I could feel my tear ducts giving way. After some tears rolled down my face I thought I would be just fine once the prayer team arrived. I was laying on my side in our living room just trying to settle down my nerve wrecked body. My heating pad was […]

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I Guess I Need More Prayer

Why is prayer often our last option? Why does God have to allow greater struggles before we truly choose to rely on His great power? Why can’t we fully embrace that some things can only work out through prayer? Prayer is a discipline we all must practice. Prayer is the key to opening up the […]

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Let Me Fight For You

Had a very rough night and early morning. Dealing with my condition is like riding a roller coaster. One minute I’m up and the next I’m turned upside down. One minute I don’t feel so bad. Then, my body feels paralyzed from head to toe in deep, deep pain. Last night I got into bed […]

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I Know Better

Woke up this morning hurting so badly. Every nerve in my lower body feels angry and broken. I can’t say I’m surprised after a weekend that jumped all my necessary guardrails. I know better than to stay on my feet that long. I know doing anything extensively three days in a row puts me in […]

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Understanding Your Pastor

I always strive to be transparent. I firmly believe confession is key to healing. That honesty is necessary for understanding. That we should seek to recognize each other’s humanity and struggles. So, here are a few realities concerning most pastors. First, you must know that pastors are just messengers. Every sermon we preach to you […]

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The Battle Is Constant

Recently, I had someone ask a question many have asked recently. “So, are you all better now?” To that I replied, “Absolutely not, but I’m dealing with things much better.” This person said, “But I thought you were no longer in pain and able to do whatever you want. I heard you were back preaching […]

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Living My New Normal

The bad news is my body has not been miraculously healed. The great news is I’m learning how to make the most of my new normal. I’ve concluded there are three stages for anyone battling some life altering condition. One, you have to acknowledge that life has changed. It doesn’t mean you ever fully accept […]

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Trapped In My Body

40 Day- Day 13- Trapped In My Body I’m not losing faith or hope in what God can do. However, there is some panic setting into my heart. What if this never changes this side of heaven? Will I continue suffering to this degree? Could it get even worse than what I’m feeling right now? […]

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40 Days-Day 2 The Pain Is Real

For so long I had such high hopes prior to getting my last caudal injection. A caudal injection is an injection into the lowest portion of the epidural space. A caudal steroid injection can help reduce lower back and leg pain caused by sciatica, herniated discs, bone spurs or other back problems. For me my […]

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40 Days- Day 2 Early Morning

It’s six in the morning and God has my full attention. Instead of checking the latest Facebook posts I’m meditating on scripture. After all every word equips us most for the battle at hand. Every word is God preparing us for the spiritual battle at hand. One we can’t fully see, but we can feel. […]

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40 Days Take Two

Written: 3/18/19 Here I am again right where I found myself eight months ago. Well, not exactly where I was but my I’m not far from it. The past few months has exposed just how far I still have to go. My body is still broken, my nerve damage is still life altering and I’m […]

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Update For Now

I won’t be posting things on here for quite awhile as I’m in another transition and healing season. I will post for now what I wrote yesterday and today so you have a little clue as to what’s going on with my faith journey.

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10 Keys To Maintaining A Healthy Me

*These are things God has shown me I must do to live healthy. Maybe you need to write a top 10 list. I plan to print this out and keep it before me for constant remembrance! 1. Take medications the exact same time three times everyday. Missing my Neurontin and especially my CBD caplets has […]

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Your Pain Doesn’t Change God’s Plans

The reason I ever started my Facebook Faith walking page was simple. I needed a place to safely express my pain. Not to wallow in it, but work through it. Because often it’s so unbearable and life disturbing that my sanity relies on it. My prayer has always been that my honesty would give others […]

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The Old Man Is Dead

This has been a very painful, eye opening week. Not because I’ve seen anything I’ve never experienced. Instead, I’ve simply experienced things I hope had gone away. It’s been nearly eight months since I had a week this bad. Long enough that I thought all my greatest issues must have gone away. Boy, did I […]

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