I’ve cried a lot this past week. Sadly, I’m not sure I’m done. Not going to lie or sugar coat anything. Recently, it’s just been a living Hell as my nerve pain keeps rearing it’s ugly head. Every time things escalate it sends me into a level of shock. In fact, anytime your entire body keeps vibrating it feels like you’re being shocked.
Probably one of the greatest pains on top of the pain is misunderstanding. Anyone battling something that is invisible to the human eyes understands. Those who have no clue really have no clue. To them if you look great on the outside. You must be doing great on the inside. It gets exhausting trying to even explain your inside struggles and pain.
Guess that’s why I felt led to start this monthly faith walking group. This Thursday 6pm at Refuge Church (203 Eddie Chasteen Dr, Walterboro) we will meet again. This is an opportunity for anyone that struggles some kind of chronic pain or illness. Join us to be encouraged and to help encourage others. We all need those who truly understand our struggle. I pray you can join us this Thursday!
“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4
I’m in a very low spot that’s for sure. Not depressed, but certainly overwhelmed by the pain. Been having to just take deep breaths in and out. Fortunately, I’m not in unfamiliar territory. But, the pain and anxiety are no walk in the park.
Satan is trying his best to knock the wind out of my sails. I’ve known for months God has been greatly at work. I’ve been able to taste and see breakthrough. All I need to do is stay faithful and rely on God’s faithfulness. I would be completely doomed if I was relying on my abilities.
I feel so out of breath and outmatched. But, that’s often what it takes to realize my total dependence on Christ. I rarely enjoy the process while it’s happening. In fact, I struggle to see future life beyond my present pain. Lord Jesus once again I’m free falling into your arms.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” James 4:10
Yesterday, I really did think I could have a stroke any moment. My heart was pounding more than ever before. I felt so light headed I could barely see to drive to Urgent Care. My wife wasn’t home otherwise I would’ve never driven myself. Only my growing fear by the minute compelled me to get checked out.
It was such a great relief for my blood pressure and heart to be okay. Thank God my wife was able to take me home. All I could do was let my nerves settle and my medications put me to sleep. I’m not going to lie. Yesterday’s experience took me back in time. Like back to when this nerve condition felt like a death sentence.
Fortunately, I’ve had enough experiences to know things can change. Not just for the worst, but for the better. Right now I’m just catching my breath. Once again I feel like I’m waking from a bad dream. I know deep down God is good and God will use all of this for His glory. These seasons just never feel good in the moment.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
I just got home earlier from Urgent Care. The only reason I went this time was things just felt so different. In fact, to be honest I was terrified. I really thought I could pass out any minute. My heart felt like it could jump out my chest. My face was flush and my head was faint. My entire body felt it was full of electricity.
Yes, I’ve felt similar hundreds of times. And, my wife is usually able to remind me that doctors can do nothing for my condition. But, I really thought I could have a stroke or heart attack any minute. By the time, I got to Urgent Care there was no hiding the tears or pain.
To my surprise my blood pressure and heart rate were normal. EMT workers hooked me up to an EKG machine and offered to take me to the hospital. I do believe my wife was right that I simply had a very severe panic attack. I’ve had plenty in the past, but none quite this level. I just knew I couldn’t take lightly what I was feeling.
It’s very discouraging when you fight something day and night for over 4 years. When you strive to do everything possible to make yourself no longer a burden to others. Especially my family that doesn’t deserve to put up with anymore. I should be much better by now. All I can do is give God my broken heart and body. I’ve not lost my faith. I’ve just been hit with a really big dose of reality that hurts physically and emotionally.
I’ve had a couple Valium and my nighttime meds. I’m way more settled now than I was earlier. But, this is far from over as so many questions stare me in the face. It’s so much harder than most understand. To keep going through Hell everyday while trying to live normal. God knows I’m giving all I can while trusting Him for all I can’t. Thanks so much for the prayers. I certainly wouldn’t ask for them if I wasn’t desperate for them.
“Jesus Wept.” John 11:35
Laying on my heated mattress top trying to stay still as possible. The heating pad covering my back is on high. The pain has made me so nauseous. I would give anything for an IV drip of morphine. I’ve been so blessed to go days without this rotten feeling. All I can say is I hate pain.
But, I can’t deny it reveals where my real strength comes from. It exposes my great weakness and my total lack of control. Funny how you think you’ve got life by the horns. Then, you find yourself in a puddle of grief, pain, and total God dependance.
This pain humbles me every time. It instantly elevates my prayer life. It reminds me there is no such thing as a pain free life this side of heaven. It makes me wholeheartedly depend on the one who breathes life into my soul.
While I hate the pain. I can’t argue that in God hands the pain gets me right back where I should always be living. That is drawing close to God. I need keep my little hand in His big hand.
“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 1Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:7-10
I hate days like today. There’s been very few moments that I’ve not been miserable. I’m also very mad at myself. Once again I didn’t respect my nerve condition enough in recent days. It’s that denial I talk about often. You start feeling better so you think you’ve been cured. You want to believe you’ve totally overcome this thorn in your flesh.
Honestly, I’ve been doing so much better overall in recent weeks. But, I’m just really upset at myself right now. So, I will do whatever it takes to get quality sleep tonight. I will operate proactively to ensure I don’t repeat recent stupid behavior. I don’t have a choice but to calculate my every step. I must always control what I can control. This means living with a constant recovery mindset.
This demands I operate with the right routines. I need to do stretching exercises at least twice daily. I need to walk enough, but not too much. When I know my body is nearing a danger zone I must stop working. I know I can do better. I will do better and feel better soon. God please help me not have another day like this anytime soon.
“I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 5:13
When I say chronic illness I’m talking about a life altering health condition that affects a person daily. Something doctors say they can’t cure. Sadly, all they can try to do is contain your symptoms. All you can do is learn how to best deal with it. Understanding what you can and can’t do takes quite awhile. I’m four years into coping and I’m still learning and adjusting to my new normal.
All I can speak from is my experience and perspective. However, I’m believing this can help others get just a glimpse of what chronic illness brings to a person’s life. One, you go through a lot of denial. Two, once you begin to digest your new reality it really affects you mentally and emotionally. Dark, depressive days are bound to come. Three, you fight with it until you’re absolutely tired of fighting.
After so many days of fighting the same painful battle. You’re finally at a major crossroads of brokenness. You can either give up or give things up to God. The only way forward is to keep giving things up to God. To believe that God is bigger than your pain and constant life disruptions. To believe that you don’t have to figure anything out. You just have to keep believing God has a plan.
A person with chronic illness is often uneasy. They just don’t feel comfortable in their own skin. Life is never easy from sun up to sun down. Even sleep is much harder to find. They don’t need you to fix them. They just need you to understand that the battle is real and constant. They need your compassion and prayers. These folks typically know how to lavish compassion towards other’s pain. Why?Because they know what it’s like to live in pain.
“The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
Seems I can’t ever go more than a few days without my entire body crashing. It is always a combo of several factors. Often it’s a couple tough days that lead to the worst days. Sunday I drank way too much caffeine and walked way too much. Monday I did not rest like I should have and walked way too much again. Monday night I was not able to sleep until 4am Tuesday morning. Then, by last night after a stressful day my body officially crashed.
I’ve spent last night and today in the bed. My entire lower body is hurting and tingly intensely. The pain in my tailbone has been hurting and hurting. You wouldn’t think I just got a shot in that area a month ago. The worst part is my nerve pain is at a very high level. Meaning anything can make my entire body hit panic mode. It’s like having electricity running throughout your entire body.
I had to take one of my emergency 5mg Valium after being up for just an hour. Sadly my wife and kids have to deal with this roller coaster of pain and emotion. I’m learning that there is no use in trying to explain something to them I can barely understand myself. So, I just headed to bed, and took whatever necessary to calm the raging nerves within me.
These moments body slam my every emotion. They rip my heart out because I rarely see them coming. I’m left to feel like the only thing I can do is be still and pray. I’m no longer trying to fight with it. I’m just believing God has purpose for it. Now, I’m going back to sleep and hope to wake up better later on. We all know pain is never welcomed, but often a part of this imperfect life.
“We know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
Well, the title of this may be a little misleading. I’m sure if I had been up that entire time it would be a world record. It has definitely been well over 3 years since I’ve slept a wink without medication. Every time I’ve tried to not use some sleep aid. I’ve been left wide awake all night.
Here I am 3:30 in the morning and I’m just waiting to get some sleep. I did take my normal nightly medications many hours ago. But, I had to deal with some things and missed the window of opportunity to rest. So, I had to take another muscle relaxer as I wait on it to kick in.
For me, this is just another part of my new normal. There’s still not an hour of my life I don’t have to strategically plan out due to my condition. It definitely gets exhausting having to always live with a recovery mindset. But, I have to stay focused on my health so I can be able to help others. And, I certainly know that proper rest is a necessity. So, I do whatever it takes to get sleep.
Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
Anytime I look at how far down I was before. I can’t help but thank God for where I am now. I know what it’s like to feel you’ve totally lost control. I know what it’s like to feel one step away from giving up. To feel so bad that you can’t imagine continuing life in your present state of health. I know what it’s like to not even have your own home. To feel like you’re having to rely on others to take care of your family.
In so many ways God has restored my life. I’m able to get up each day with bearable pain. I’m able to actually sleep at night with the right medications. I’m able to dream again as God has blessed us with a new home and a new normal. In so many ways, my life and health have changed for the better. God continues to bless our faithfulness.
But, the devil continues his efforts to steal our joy and eternal focus. Satan preys on the weakness of my body in hopes of knocking the air out my sails. Satan tries to divide my marriage. Satan seeks to confuse and spiritually attack my children. Satan’s goals are never going to change. He always seeks to steal, kill, and destroy. Therefore, I must keep seeking, trusting and obeying Jesus. Only in Christ can I experience life to its fullest.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:10
My wife is presently away on a women’s retreat in Pigeon Forge, TN. She along with several ladies from our church are hoping to get spiritually renewed and refreshed. Personally, I’m ecstatic that my wife is getting this long overdue time away. I can’t think of anyone I know more deserving. This woman lives unselfishly from sun up to sun down.
Every time she’s gone I fully realize many things. One, what she does on a daily basis is amazing. Just one day trying to partially fill her shoes totally exhausts me. Two, even my best efforts can’t substitute for her presence. Usually my boys give me a look that verifies I’m not a very good Mr. Mom. Somewhere in there eyes I see them saying “God bless his heart for even trying.”
Finally, every time she’s gone I learn to fully appreciate her. Not just what she does, but who she is as a person. I can’t imagine life without her. I don’t want to imagine life without her. She completes me in every way. These times only confirm I truly married the right person. Because I only love her more as each day passes.
“I found the one my heart loves” Song Of Solomon 3:4
I’m about to tell you something many need to hear. I talk with so many people who feel their life is a train wreck. People that feel they are the only hot mess. They feel this way because everything seems to be falling apart. They take one step forward and then start rolling backwards. They deal with issues they just can’t seem to overcome.
I try to assure them that we’re all in the same boat. Even with Jesus sometimes your life boat still feels like it’s sinking. No matter how hard you paddle you just can’t seem to get ahead. You feel like you’re giving all you’ve got, but it’s just not enough. You feel like you’re just one step away from a total meltdown.
Welcome to my world. Even though I’ve learned to cope much better these days. Even though I’ve learned to live wiser most days. Most days I’m far from having it all together. Even with both knees on the floor and continuous prayers. I can’t even walk without God holding my hand. So, don’t apologize for your struggles or feel you need to hide them. Without God’s grace where would any of us be.
“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
As a dad of four boys I’ve learned more from them at this point. My boys are ages 20, 18, 16, and almost 10 years old. Of course, I give my wife the greatest credit for being an amazing full time mom. I hope I’ve been an above average part time dad. I say part time simply because my wife has devoted her life to motherhood. I’ve been working and trying to be like her when I grow up. Here are some things I know now that I really couldn’t fully see in real time.
First, your kids really do grow up fast. One minute you’re wishing that baby would stop crying. The next you’re wishing that same child would let you hold them. One minute you’re dropping them off at elementary school. The next you’re waving goodbye as they head off to college. Yes, they really do grow up in a blink.
Secondly, it’s the quality times together you will remember most. I remember every vacation we ever took together. The times I wasn’t working and could give them my undivided attention. I remember hearing constantly “are we there yet?” And while most of those car rides were full of shouting and threats. I would go back in time right now simply to see their excitement as we headed towards our family vacation.
Thirdly, I now realize just how important it is to parent intentionally. Every age brings a new season of opportunity. It’s so important regardless of their age that you seize the God given windows of opportunity early and often. For example, it’s much easier to teach a young child about faith, hope, love, and respect. Do know that your teenagers will seem like they were invaded by a hard headed alien. Keep on loving and teaching them the way they should go.
Finally, I realize it’s such a great privilege and responsibility to be a parent. Our kids will remember less what we preached and more what we practiced. We must strive to model for them the way God would have us to live. Good or bad they will learn and often repeat the values we demonstrated.
Now, we can’t do anything about past mistakes or missed opportunities. But, we can strive moving forward to be the best Christlike examples possible. Regardless of how old our children are at this time. Parents we should lead the way in showing them how to love God, love people and follow Christ. Why? Because at the end of our lives it will be God who gives us our final report card.
“And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up.” Deuteronomy 6:5-7
I woke this morning feeling like I had been tear gassed. By far it was the deepest fog I had ever experienced. I knew if I could get everything out of my system something had to change.
A deep fog was constant in my head. My ability to think, focus or even function period was beyond limited. I knew I had to fix things by process of elimination.
While the extra Amitriptyline did help initially it’s obviously colliding with some of my other meds. Whether it be my CBD, Zannaflex or the recent Valium I had to take for quick relief. Anything I read says certain combos of these can certainly increase dizziness, fatigue, and leave one very mentally limited. I was definitely experiencing this the past few days.
So, now I’m only going to take the Amitriptyline a few hours before bedtime. Instead of spreading out the dosage three times a day. I will not take even an occasional Valium except for extreme emergencies. I believe I should see a major change. My head has already been drastically clearer the past six hours. And, all I’ve done so far is not take my 2pm Amitriptyline.
One thing I’ve found on this journey is there is no perfect scenario. Every medication that helps also has some side effects. You just have to determine if the relief is worth the side effects. Right now I would say absolutely not. I’m just a shell of myself taking the Amitriptyline throughout the day. I’m very confident things will clear up soon. And, my night time meds are doing their job so goodnight!
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
Here I am headed back to bed. My heart still feeling like it could jump right out of my chest. I have no choice but to be still. To let God be God in my life. My weakness is leaving me speechless. My pain has clearly knocked the breath out of me.
It’s always unsettling when you feel you’ve lost all control. Panic knocks relentlessly at your heart’s door. Satan hopes you will freak out. He hopes you will give up the faith that God can or will change anything. Those temptations still stare me in the face daily.
Fortunately, this is not unknown territory for me. I know God is near my broken heart. I know God will give me the strength and support needed. With every breath in and out I’m praying. Just asking God to calm me, hold me, and help me through this present storm. I really didn’t see it coming. However, I know nothing takes God by surprise.
“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you.” 1 Peter 4:12
After taking a Valium earlier mid afternoon I finally settled down some. I slept over three hours. Something I never do during the day. But, my nerve wrecked body gave me no choice. I still feel overall like I’ve experienced some traumatic event. My nerves are just very stirred within. I’m still not comfortable in my own skin.
There’s no denying that these things are always associated with breakthrough moments. I’m determined and I’m trying with everything I’ve got to move forward by faith. I know God is leading my heart. In fact, I know He is holding my heart. Otherwise, I would have long ago been in some psychiatric ward.
Somehow this is part of my story. This pain, this thorn in my flesh. I’ve really never asked God to remove all my problems or fix me. I just keep asking Him to hold me together and use everything for His glory. Pain is a part of this life. We all have to learn how to walk through it by faith. Personally, I’m still learning everyday.
I know this for sure. God has proven His faithfulness time and time again. Just when I think I’m paralyzed he resurrects my spirit. Just when I think I’m useless. He shows me one more soul that is being encouraged through my faithfulness. I don’t know what the future holds. But, I do know who holds the future.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6
*Below is exactly how I would start out if I were meeting with my counselor right now. Of course, I would elaborate even more on certain things. But, if God gives you anything to share below please do so. It would not only encourage me. But, it could also encourage someone else reading this that might have a similar battle. I’ve said it before… This page was not created to just share the good stuff, but finding ways to walk by faith through the toughest stuff. So share any scripture, thoughts, or truths that you feel appropriate. Praying for each of you and I appreciate your prayers.
My visit with you is long overdue. As I’ve told you before I believe strongly in being proactive not just reactive. I really need to at least get back to seeing you monthly. Time, distance, and my inability to drive any distance has kept me from coming to see you. I’m definitely at that point again where I need somewhere on the outside to work through my present feelings on the inside.
Overall my mind, heart, and faith have grown leaps and bounds. I’m no longer looking for a way out. I’m just constantly looking for how I can keep walking through this ongoing battle. That is and still be a husband, dad, and pastor. My stimulator and medications have at least brought me to a place of consistency. Meaning, at least I know what to do to keep my extreme pain under control. Unfortunately, anything that is helping me most is always giving me major side affects such as constant fogginess and fatigue.
This brings me to why I’m coming to see you. I’m here because my condition keeps making everything flat overwhelming. It’s like being in a non-stop war with flaming arrows coming at you from every direction. There is no break except when I’m asleep. I’ve been shot so often that my body just can’t recuperate. Sadly, I see know sign of anything changing anytime soon.
All of this to say, I need you to speak into my life. What might I need to hear? What might I need to do? I’m taking things literally one day and sometimes one minute at a time. It’s like I’m having to be my own caregiver all the time. There is nothing at home or beyond that is not affected by my condition. I can’t do anything without considering if my health will allow it. It has gotten back to feeling like this condition is a massive ball and chain.
Any prayers for myself are back to feeling like whispers. I’m just exhausted from feeling this way. If most truly understood what I am fighting they would be amazed that I even get out the bed. They would assume that I must be totally depressed. That there is no way I could be happy.
Honestly, I’m still very happy. I’m still very much believing God to take me beyond this season. I know I’m a walking, talking miracle. I know that I should be in a full blown depression. But, I’m just looking forward to whatever I can do with God’s strength. As long as lives are being touched I’m excited. As long as I can know I’m doing everything I can to faithful to God. Then, I can have the peace of God. I’m just back to being very weary.
I know the devil is constantly testing me. He is trying to see if I will finally give up . I can promise you this for sure. Giving up is not even a possibility. I just know I have to keep processing things. I have to keep giving things up to God.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6
I have to write this just to get it off my chest. I’m sure somebody else can identify. Right now I feel like a complete prisoner in my own body. It’s wrecking my every thought. My heart keeps beating faster and faster. I can’t figure out anything I can do presently to change things.
Fortunately, I’m not in unbearable pain. However, every nerve within me is on edge. Every part of my body is on the verge of breakdown. All it takes is the smallest amount of pressure, stress, or conversation. Honestly, just sitting still my entire body continues to vibrate. My ability to do any more than 25 percent of what I used to do is just not there. Everything takes so much more effort and time.
My medications have stolen my ability to concentrate. Every minute continues to be full of cloudiness. I’m squinting to see and fighting to stay awake. This is going on morning, day, and night. Even coffee and my usual healthy energy drink has been no match for my fogginess.
Whether I like it or not this is where I am. I will probably go back to see my counselor very soon. Not that he has all the answers. Sometimes you just need a safe place to process your greatest struggles. Especially when you have a chronic condition that others around you get tired of hearing about. But, you get even more exhausted and discouraged having to deal with it.
If this is similar to your battle. Know that you’re not alone. God has proven He will take us through whatever comes our way. It may be way more than we can handle. It’s never more than God can handle. I pray we all continue to walk by faith and not by sight. Keep believing God my friends!
“Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God.” Mark 10:27
Today has been one of the most uncomfortable days of my life. From the moment I got up my world has been spinning. I’ve not been able to see anything clearly. My entire body has been vibrating with nerve sensations. There is only one common denominator for any of these moments that occur.
Anytime I even make my way towards Refuge Church. Anytime, I’m absolutely sure what God wants me to say or do. Bam! Out of nowhere my body is rocked and my nerves are shot. Even a simple conversation with my wife seems impossible. Doing anything to further God’s kingdom brings extreme attack upon my every step.
Tonight, I stared a room full of leaders in the face while feeling extremely uncomfortable. In fact, had I operated off of feelings alone I would have run out of the building. Fortunately, I’ve learned all I can do is my best. I’ve got to trust that God is bigger than my condition. One friend even pointed out how the more I struggle the more the church keeps growing.
It’s so crazy how this take up your cross thing works. It’s not about operating based on feelings alone. It’s not about choosing easy street. It’s choosing that Hell or high water you’re going to serve the Lord. You’ve just got to trust, obey, and believe God is working with every faithful step you take. Sometimes there’s nothing you can make sense of even in the midst of your obedience. You just know that God said it and you believe its exactly what He wants you to do.
“Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23
Recently, I shared how I had to increase my medication dosage. Well, it’s certainly been doing it’s job. My nerve pain is much more under control. I’m very happy for the relief. Especially the fact I no longer feel like I’m constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
What I don’t like is the haze this medicine has greatly increased. The last several hours have felt like a blur. Even though I got nearly 10 hours of sleep. I still feel like I could sleep for ten more hours. I know my body was exhausted, but it’s definitely the medication making everything partly cloudy.
The room feels like it’s spinning. It’s so hard to focus or feel normal. Guess I’ve got to go through another season of adjustment. I certainly don’t want to go back to having unbearable nerve pain. So, I’m beyond happy for the relief. But, for now it’s making everything look partly cloudy.
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
For many of us our minds are filled with emotions. We over think so many things and situations. What could go wrong? What might go wrong? What has gone wrong? Next thing we know we need somebody to give us a chill pill before we totally freak out.
No, you’re not the only one that over thinks life’s endless possibilities. Satan looks constantly for any windows he can find. His hope is to get us all worked up. To make us so worried about everything the we can’t do much of anything. He knows that worry full blown will paralyze us from moving forward by faith.
Jesus himself addressed one of mankind’s greatest tendencies. In fact, over 300 times God’s word tells us to “Fear Not,” “Don’t Be Afraid” or “Don’t Worry.” Because any of us can fall prey to being consumed by worry. Therefore, we must understand the enemy’s strategy. We must understand how to counter satan’s lies with God’s truth. Otherwise there will be a whole lot more worrying than happiness in our everyday lives.
Jesus said “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.” Luke 12:25-31
I’ve been a minister of the gospel for twenty six years and counting. Nearly twelve years were spent in associate roles. The past 14 years I’ve been a senior pastor. Just like most ministers I can tell you that Sundays are anything but a day of rest for me. In fact, for me it’s by far my most challenging day of the week. I literally give everything I’ve got towards allowing God to speak through me.
Somewhere, I can hear someone saying the following underneath their breath. Well, preacher aren’t Sundays the only day you actually even work? I’ve learned to not even respond to that common joke. The truth is ministry to people is a twenty four hours a day and seven days a week deal. The only breaks you get are the ones you give yourself. And, it’s very important you give yourself a true day of rest.
For me, I try to make Mondays my clear day of rest. One, because it usually takes all of Monday to even think about recovering from Sundays. Two, because we all need a day that we truly unwind, rest, and get renewed. We can’t just keep going and going unless we want to get totally burned out.
So, I would suggest to most to make Sunday their biggest day of clear rest. Take your family to the church of your choice. Seek to just breathe in and breath out. Position yourself to be renewed and rejuvenated. Guard that day of rest the best you can. Because there’s nothing harder that trying to pour out to others when you have nothing pouring into you.
“On the seventh day God had finished his work of creation, so he rested from all his work.” Genesis 2:2
Ryan Hilinski is just another 18 year old. However, he was one of the most sought after college quarterback recruits in the nation. At least 32 top 50 schools offered him a full scholarship to play quarterback. Schools such as Georgia, LSU, Ohio State, Oregon, Texas A&M, Stanford and his state’s pride and joy the USC Trojans. However, Hilinski chose to play for the University of South Carolina.
Sadly, Ryan’s brother Tyler the quarterback for Washington State University committed suicide on January 16, 2018. This left Ryan, his parents and one remaining sibling beyond heart broken. The entire family moved from Orange, California to Columbia, South Carolina after just one year of grieving his brother’s passing. They moved across the country to get away from places that only made them miss Tyler more. They also brought with them way more than a quarterback. They brought a mission way beyond football.
Ryan has only been the starting quarterback for USC four games. Yet, with every game you can see God using this young man mightily. Winning or losing, the Hilinski Hope foundation is touching countless lives. This humble young man plays football wearing his deceased brother’s number three on his jersey. At the beginning of every third quarter home game everyone in Williams Brice Stadium holds up three fingers. One in memory of his brother. Two, in an effort to bring greater awareness to mental health issues.
An entire nation has heard about the Hilinski Hope foundation. No telling how many lives have already been changed and saved in recent weeks. Thousands continue to support this cause. Many young and old have shifted their focus away from Football. Hilinski keeps reminding us all that some things are way more important.
There’s no doubt this kid has been God sent to South Carolina. His love for others is so genuine. His brokenness is so real it spills out to those around him. He and his family can rest assured that Tyler Hilinski’s memory remains strong. His death has not been wasted. God is using his passing as a beacon of hope to many. It just reminds us that God can use even the darkest tragedy as a platform of hope for many.
“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.” John 9:3
To support this great cause go to
People see me on the outside and say man you look like you’re doing really good. Thank God I am now able to say I’m doing much better. I’m coping better. I getting around better. Overall, I’m just ecstatic that I’m even able to have a quality conversation, pick up a few groceries and still minister to others.
The problem is underneath everything is still going haywire. My legs quickly feel like I’m dragging someone everywhere I go. My lower back is always just a moment away from everything being unbearable. When I am feeling great with relief. My mind is floating in space due to my necessary medications. Long story short I know the brokenness is always there.
My improved coping is due to the fact I understand this is my new normal. I’m truly seeking to live my best life now. My frustration is feeling like I have to explain things often to those who mean no harm. Sadly, very few on the outside can understand my constant battle on the inside. It truly helps me the most when I know I’m talking to someone who truly understands. It does this nerve wrecked body a world of good. I believe we all have the longing to feel understood.
My advice to anyone battling something on the inside that others can’t see on the outside. Find someone who has faced a similar pain. Whether it be an online support group or local individual. Don’t expect those who have never experienced your battle to understand your pain. We all have to find our common ground tribe for the greatest of understanding. Thank God Jesus always understands our weakness and pain.
“This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15
So, I’m pretty sluggish and feel like I could sleep upside down. The extra medication has definitely made me very drowsy. However, not one bit of nauseous or extreme nerve pain all day. Just like that I’m back on track with bearable pain. I’m so thankful for the relief.
It seems God has to allow us to endure the very bad times to appreciate the good times. Often we must experience the extraordinary pain to thank God for the ordinary pain. Such a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I’m still hurting at times. But, I’m no longer bleeding inside with the deepest of pains.
We should not just talk about the tough times. We should also praise God in the good times. Apart from His grace I would not still be going. Apart from His strength I would have long ago fallen apart. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow. This has certainly been a God made day. A day I may have overlooked in the past. Yet, today I celebrate with a very grateful heart.
“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.” Psalm 107:1
First thing this morning I made a medication adjustment. My pain management doctor recommended this in the past. He said with the severity of my nerve damage I would need to be taking at least 75mg of Amitriptyline to keep things calm. Well, that day has finally come and praise God it’s working. I was already taking 25mg twice a day. But, now I’m taking 25mg of Amitriptyline three times a day.
Just as I expected I’m dealing with a bit of a fog and extra drowsiness. But, I will take that all day over unbearable nerve pain. I will see my primary physician 3pm today. We will discuss my recent nerve flare up. I will ask his opinion on my best medication options. I like to talk with this doctor because he doesn’t just throw medications my way. We discuss together all the pros, cons, and what time has proven.
By the grace of God I’ve stayed away from narcotics. Daily I take Neurontin, Zannaflex, Amitriptyline, CBD caplets and oil. Outside of a low dose of ibuprofen I take several supplements such as turmeric, calcium, and magnesium. I simply aim to have bearable pain. I also aim to keep myself fully functional. That’s why I only take the muscle relaxers at night. But, once again God has calmed the raging storm. And, I’m praying that something I’ve shared will encourage and help you through your pain.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
Finally laying down in hopes of getting some sleep. I’m going to bed feeling I could throw up due to these constant nerve sensations. There is not a part of me that doesn’t feel uncomfortable. This stuff is kinda like an earthquake inside of my body. It just shakes me all over. Afterwards I’m just left to deal with its aftermath.
Today is not one of those days I hope to repeat anytime soon. It’s the kind of day that makes you feel all progress is lost. It really has been weeks if not months since my nerves felt so out of whack. It’s been nearly two months since I’ve even had to adjust my spinal cord stimulator. And, I’m not really sure of doing so can help these nonstop tremors.
I’m just asking God to help me fall asleep quickly. To settle my heart, nerves and body. Right now you would think I got into some kind of accident. Yet, I’ve not even left the house today. As you can tell I’m deeply disturbed by these feelings. Thank God they are just feelings and I know things can change.
“Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak. Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.” Psalm 6:2
I know you’re frightened by the way you feel right now. You wonder how you can possibly do anything in your shape. Especially when you never know when this condition is gonna rear it’s ugly head. Your body, heart, and mind are being rocked to the core. However, you know you’ve experienced far worse before.
Remember all those days you literally stayed in a bed or bath from sun up to sun down? Remember when you thought you might go crazy any minute? Remember when getting through any day without a complete nervous breakdown was a rarity? Remember when you wondered how you could ever keep ministering to others in such a debilitating state? Remember the days gone by when I showed up and always saved the day?
Well, didn’t I prove my faithfulness to you time and time again? Recently, hadn’t the good days far out weighed the unbearable ones? Aren’t you still much better than you have been in the past? Haven’t I shown you that no matter what happens I’m still with you? Just as I turned all the other pain into God stuff. I will continue to use even the seeming bad stuff to accomplish God stuff. I will do this both in you and through you.
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:12-13
I’m sitting here completely still in my living room chair. There’s not a piece of my body that is not continuously vibrating. Inside I feel so nauseous and paralyzed at the same time. It’s like I’m being held hostage in my own body. Like someone flipped a switch inside of me. Like my entire nervous system is on fire.
I put forth great effort to get up and get out. I got my shower and got dressed. There’s so much I need to get done. Yet, my body is screaming for my attention. If I didn’t know any better I would think I might have a stroke any minute.
These are the moments you really can’t fully explain to anyone. Only someone with the severity of this nerve condition could ever understand. I’m trying so hard to move forward, but there is an invisible force field every direction. I know inside I’m due for a good cry. It’s like this nerve pain is fluid and has filled up my entire body.
Fortunately, I know how to cope with this much better than in days gone by. I know there’s nothing anyone can do, but pray. That I just have to wait for this storm to get totally out of my system. It forces me to be real and raw. All I can do is get it out and give it up to God. Thank God it’s been awhile since I’ve had one of these episodes. Where my heart keeps pounding and my humanity keeps staring me in the face.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2
I’ve felt these feelings so many times before. It’s like my body is a wind chime. Right now the wind is piercing through my entire lower body. And I’ve not even gotten out of bed. I’ve laid all night on a heated mattress pad.
Crazy how even the slightest changes in temperature affect my body so much. I told my wife when I headed to bed last night. Something just wasn’t the same. I can’t always pinpoint the issue or the solution. It’s just obvious when my nerves are all fluttering inside of me. These painful sensations leave you feeling like your body has gone through some kind of radiation.
Even still, I know so many have it worse than me. Yet, every time my nerves rage within I can hardly bear another minute. Makes me feel so nauseous and on edge. Every time it makes me so miserable I can’t ignore it. All I can do is pray and ask God to calm things down again. He always comes through eventually.
“Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace,be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.” Mark 4:39
Just thought I would jump on here and share a few words of encouragement. I do pray for each of you often as I know many reading this struggle greatly. However, I’ve had to apply to myself something I’ve preached to others for years. That is you must tend to your own health before you try to help anyone else.
Now, that doesn’t mean God can’t use you in the midst of your greatest struggles. However, you do have to position yourself to stay as healthy as possible. Whatever it is you know you must and can do to protect yourself. God wants you to be physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy. God wants you to take care of yourself so you can be around to care for others.
For me personally, I have to guard myself before my day ever begins. Before I even wake up there are many wanting and needing my help. However, I can’t help the world long if my health falls completely apart. So, I now seek to use my time, energy and opportunities wisely. Sometimes that means others hear a lot less from me. Just know that my silence is often associated with my striving to practice what I do often preach.
“Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.” 1 Timothy 4:16
I’ve been up since 2am this morning. Considering my day has lasted almost 19 hours. I’m very lucky to not be consumed with too much nauseating pain. Both services I preached this morning were nothing but a blur for me. Just as it has been the past few Sundays. It was all I could do to stay focused and even see anything in front of me.
To say I felt uncomfortable in my own skin is an understatement. Deep down I wanted to run away from everyone. I felt like there was nothing I could hide. In my mind I was stumbling and stuttering with every word spoken. I had no choice but to totally rely on the power of God’s truth and the Holy Spirit alive within me.
I sought the best of my ability to preach the gospel truth God had given me. I absolutely hated to admit what I’ve been pondering the past few weeks. Satan has been trying to get me to give up. To step down as pastor as each day is such a great challenge. Just when I needed God’s jumper cables He delivered on time.
Early this afternoon I had the privilege of baptizing a dozen new Jesus followers. Of course every soul changed is worthy of celebration. But, I could see firsthand that despite my limitations. God still wants me to have great expectations. I needed to see the difference this ministry was making beyond just keeping me up at night. I needed to see further reason to keep fighting the good fight.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9
I slept a few hours and suddenly woke up around 2am. No matter what I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Of course, I’ve got a very long God made day ahead. Two services to preach and several to baptize at the river. Honestly, I’m never worried about God doing His part. I just don’t want to fail to do mine.
Sometimes all you can do is crawl up in God’s lap. I’ve been tossing and turning for the last few hours. In between my fight to sleep I’ve been praying without ceasing. I really don’t care much about my comfort. I just want God’s will to be done despite me, around me and through me.
Lord Jesus you know my every thought. Settle my heavy and anxious heart. Calm and strengthen my nerve wrecked body. Focus my mind on you. Help me to put all my trust in you. Hold me Jesus and help me to feel your presence. I give you everything on my mind and heart. Have your way today and may you be glorified in everything said and done.
“Oh, love me – and right now! – hold me tight! just the way you promised.”
(Psalm 119:76)(The Message)
Last night my body felt every degree of temperature change. Any coolness in the air cuts straight through my lower body. Even sleeping in pants, socks and on a heated mattress cover I’m still being impacted. As I continue to recover from my recent shot. It’s been quite a double team of preying on my body’s weakness. In many respects it’s just another Saturday night.
As I lay here about to go to sleep my heart keeps pounding. I really can’t remember the last time my heart wasn’t pounding on a Saturday night. While I’ve come so far I still feel so very weak. I’m talking the kind of weakness that frightens you deeply. That feeling that you’ve lost all control and things will never be the same.
One thing for sure is it plays with your confidence. That is you no longer feel you can trust in yourself. Maybe that’s exactly where God is trying to lead me. He wants me to realize that only He can give me the next breathe. Only He can give me a calming peace. So, once again I must free fall into His arms.
“We don’t have the right to claim that we have done anything on our own. God gives us what it takes to do all we do.”
2 Corinthians 3:5 (CEV)
Someone asked earlier if I just write about certain things or from firsthand experience. I quickly responded by saying I only write about things I’ve personally experienced. In fact, I don’t just write about them, but I most often write while I’m going through them. The truth is without the struggle I would rarely write anything. Somehow God keeps using the pain to grow me and hopefully encourage others.
I’m convinced that pain is a universal language. Pain can affect us physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually. My own pain affects me in all of the above ways. Just because I’m a pastor doesn’t give me a free pass from pain. In fact, sometimes it just puts a bigger target on my back.
It has been my experience that God grows us most in the pain. You know, while He has our full attention. When we can’t escape our total dependence on His grace and strength. If we never felt pain we may rarely realize how much we need His divine intervention. While I always hate the pain. I’m constantly able to see how God uses pain in so many profound ways in our lives.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us. 1 Corinthians 1:3-7
No matter how many times it happens you never get used to it. In fact, you try to avoid in every way possible. But, when the devil body slams you he usually doesn’t ask your permission. It’s like he comes out of nowhere. Doesn’t matter the time or day. Suddenly he knocks you to the ground.
Often this happens when you finally feel you’re headed in the right direction. In your heart and mind you’re trying to do what’s right in God’s eyes. You may have just experienced some major spiritual breakthrough. You’re excited about what God has in store. Then, just when you feel some spiritual momentum here comes your enemy hoping to wreck God’s plans.
Please know you’re not alone in this battle. We all deal with flaming arrows from the devil. Especially when the enemy sees we’re very serious about our walk with God. It’s then the he seeks to shake our confidence and shut down our faith. He figures if he discourages us enough we will give up the fight for what is right. So he continues to pounce just hoping to knock us back off track.
In these times you must hold on to your faith more than your feelings. Your own mind and heart can be used to deceive you. If you know God has led you a certain direction just keep taking the next right step. Expect the devil to not be happy, but expect God to reward your faithfulness. Often I too feel like I don’t know what hit me. Then, I’m reminded that the devil is going to do anything he can to shake me to my very core. It’s then I know I must rely on Christ and keep taking up my cross.
“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.” (1 Peter 5:8-11)(The Message)
Trying to minister to others with my nerve condition is very difficult everyday. This thorn in my flesh makes it so hard to study, think, counsel, and ever feel comfortable. At the same time I know God has a reason for this struggle. But, it takes everything I’ve got to keep pressing forward by faith.
Nothing I try to do comes easy. If it wasn’t for God’s clear call on my life. I would definitely step away from the pastorate. The only way I’ve made it this far is a total tribute to God carrying me through. All I’m trying to do is keep my eyes on Jesus and keep taking the next right step. I’m also doing everything I can to maintain a healthy mind , heart, and body. But, there’s no denying that the test and temptations to quit are constant. But, somehow His grace is enough.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9
Here I am again dealing with radiating pain all throughout my lower body. This time it was actually self-inflicted. I chose to get another epidural injection yesterday morning. I knew from the past that this shot would bring me greater pain. Way before I will receive any relieving gain. I knew the reward of future relief was worth the present pain.
While I don’t like hurting I’m very encouraged. This purposeful pain will help me greatly in days to come. Even though I feel so limited right now. Even though I hate this feeling. I know God is taking me towards greater days. It helps so much when you know the pain is purposeful. That it’s producing something really good that otherwise won’t come.
Often we get so blinded by our pain. The way we feel over shadows what God is doing. We struggle to see that God is at work in and through the pain. The pain is purposely getting us where God needs us to be. The pain in God’s hands will lead to brighter days. We must trust that God is using our present pain so He can purposely reveal His future glory.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
What I’m about to say is something I feel very passionate about. It may not be accepted by all who read it. It may not be perfectly explained. It may not sound very encouraging. All I know is the church must change. Here are 3 major reasons why.
TIMES KEEP CHANGING
No you don’t change the truth. You can and should change your delivery of that truth over time. What good is what you’re preaching if no one understands it? Times change and churches must change their approach as well. Speak in a language that best gets the message across. Use current technology and methods to further platform the gospel. Don’t just operate with a mentality of “we’ve always done it that way.” Times change and churches must keep making necessary adjustments in order to have maximum impact.
PEOPLE AREN’T COMING
At some point the increased empty seats must wake us up. Yes, I realize many don’t have their priorities in order. But, gone are the days when people are running to the church. So, the church must figure out how to go to them. We aren’t called to just have church, but to be the church. Churches must seek to remove every barrier possible between them and the unchurched. Or you can keep looking at one another wondering why no one else is coming. Churches should be willing to do anything short of sin in hopes of reaching just one more soul.
SOULS AREN’T BEING SAVED
The church should always care deeply about reaching lost people. After all, Jesus died on the cross in hopes of saving everyone of them. There are two kinds of churches. Those with a club mentality and those with a mission mindset. Club churches are setup to satisfy members on the inside. Mission churches do all they can together to reach the next lost soul on the outside.
“When Jesus saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. He said to his disciples, “The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.” Matthew 9:36-38
Tomorrow bright and early my wife will take me for another epidural injection. This is to treat the lowest rooted nerves in my spine. Time has proven this area will keep giving me fits if not kept in check. So far every injection in this area has proven to help manage the pain. For once I’m going into a shot for proactive pain management.
So many times in the past the pain got too much on top of me. By the grace of God my pain has not been extreme anytime this week. Of course, I’m continuing to listen to my body. I’m seeking to get proper rest, exercise and stay away from obvious pain triggers. I’m really starting to feel alive again as my pain is consistently kept in check.
Tomorrow’s shot will be done by a highly respected man named Dr Patel. I have great confidence in his ability and this procedure. Please pray this gives me great relief. Pray my recovery from the shot itself won’t be very long. I’m just thankful God has provided the health care needed at this time.
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
In the midst of your greatest struggles. It can be very hard to see what God is doing. You’re just consumed by the pain. It’s not that you don’t think God has a purpose for everything. You’re just trying to survive the next minute of misery.
Trust me, I’ve been there on many occasions. I was just trying to stay strong. I was just trying to keep the faith. All I could do was hope God would rescue me from my misery. I kept believing God would work all things together for my good and His glory. I just kept seeking to love God and lift God in everything I pursued.
When I look back I remember the breath taking pain. Pain that no longer has me totally under its control. When I look back I see God was at work the entire time. He was piecing together the new me, my family and my ministry. Yes, when I look back I see God was working even more both in and through the pain. When I look back I see a God who carried me through so He could carry me to this place of greater blessing.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
Today was a very long day. It started around 5:30am and is finally ending at 10:30pm. As I lay here I’m just trying to catch my breath. I’ve ministered to so many people today. I’ve given the best I’ve had to offer. I continue to see God changing so many lives Sunday after Sunday. Yet, I often find myself thinking of all the things I didn’t get to do.
There comes a point that you have to make sure you have a realistic view of success. I believe a successful day is knowing you did everything you could to carry out God’s will. If just one life is impacted it was a great day. There will always be things you couldn’t do and people you couldn’t reach.
The older I get the more I keep asking myself “Am I really living my best life now?” I’m in the process of making sure my priorities are in order. l’m making sure God’s priorities are driving my life. I’ve got a lot going on in my heart and mind these days. But, really all that matters in the end is whether I did my best to follow God’s plans for my life.
“Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3
It starts out by making you feel unsettled. Then your heart begins to race. Your mind feels so unsure about everything. Anxiety knocks the wind out of your sails. As it seeks to tie a brick around your neck that feels heavier and heavier.
I’m very familiar with this emotion. Why? Because I deal with it every day of my life. Nights are the worst as it stares me in the face every direction. For me it’s still a combo of two things. One, it’s just so hard to swallow how I feel most days. Two, the way my pain limits me makes practically everything feel stressful.
It’s like I’m walking a tight rope. It just doesn’t take much to bring me down these days. What before was so easy to handle is suddenly a very big deal. Being a husband, father, or pastor takes all I have to give. Even then I keep having to accept that all I can give is my best. Then, I have to trust the rest with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
“Anxiety weighs down the heart of a man, but a good word cheers it up.” Proverbs 12:25
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Yesterday was just not a good day. Satan had a field day with my mind, heart and body. Yes, I do realize it was Friday 13th. However, everything felt like a physical and spiritual war. I was so worked up within all day. I was up the majority of last night due to my anxiety.
Now, we all know that some days just get the better of you. Just one bad day can make you feel like everything is falling apart. As if you can’t do anything right. You feel let down and defeated. You go to bed desperately praying that tomorrow will be better.
Well, today wasn’t perfect but way better than yesterday. Thanks to yesterday I’m able to feel more very grateful for today. There are times the only way to measure forward progress is to remember past misery. God allows the rainy days so we can be grateful in the sunny days. Maybe you aren’t where you want to be. But, make sure you praise God you aren’t where you used to be.
“This is the day the Lord has made;
We will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24
I’m at that place where without faith I’m sure to fall apart. The enemy has thrown countless flaming arrows my way. My heart is leaking from all the holes created over time. Still I’m fighting with all I’ve got within me. Most importantly God is fighting for me.
Even as a pastor I have to apply every truth I ever preach. So many times in life faith is all you’ve got. You can be trying with all your might to make all the right decisions. You can be reading your bible and praying around the clock. Still the storm you’re facing shows no sign of going away.
It’s in these defining seasons our faith is tested to the max. Will you still trust God fully when faith is all you’ve got? When everything feels so uncertain and even hopeless in your eyes. Will you let God be your certainty and hope?
Is faith truly real if it can’t remain when our flesh gives way? Is faith truly real if we abandoned our beliefs as soon as things don’t go our way? We can’t deny that it’s in the most difficult times that our faith either takes flight or a total nose dive.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve been facing the biggest tests of my life lately. I’m learning how to trust God even when I can’t see beyond the moment. I’m learning how to trust God even when I don’t feel like it. I’m learning how to trust God even when the waiting for breakthrough feels like it’s taking forever.
This I know for sure my friends. Faith is not a small word. It’s an all or nothing decision to believe God knows what is best. Faith is not just words. It’s choosing everyday to let go and let God have his way in your life. Keeping the faith makes the difference between dreams only discussed and dreams realized.
This world is full of nonstop trials. As soon you get past this trial another is sure to follow. So we must find a way to trust God with the struggle and even through the struggle. We can’t endure these things ourselves. But, with God all things are possible.
“You don’t have enough faith,” Jesus told them. “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.” Matthew 17:20
Rarely do I ever speak to someone that has not been impacted by this dreaded reality. For most it’s a word we don’t like to use or hear. The very thought of it makes us uncomfortable. However, due to the growing number of surprising suicides it’s time for us all to ask ourselves what can we do to help those struggling with mental health issues.
According to the National Center For Health Statistics the suicide rate has increased nearly 25 percent since 1999. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in America. In 2017 alone,1,400,000 people attempted suicide. On average there are 129 suicides per day. These suicides typically range from those aged 15 to 85. Meaning, no one’s struggle can be taken lightly.
This is very dear to my heart. I’ve preached the funerals of young children parents never thought would take their own life. I’ve known the middle age man or woman that suddenly couldn’t keep it together anymore. I’ve been at the home of a senior citizen who finally shot themself due to ongoing suffering and complete isolation. At the church I pastor there are people on every other row that have considered suicide. We can’t ignore what is happening all around us. Here are some things I’ve learned we can do to help.
One, never belittle what someone else is going through. They are not crazy for feeling a certain way. They are struggling and need somebody to listen. Let them share how they really feel without you trying to fix them. Let them bear their bleeding heart without judgement. This could be their first step towards healing.
Two, show them you really care. It’s been said, “people don’t care how much you know until they they know how much you care.” Many may listen to someone, but love is an action verb. Pray for them and with them. Check on them frequently if you know they are in a very low place. Be that friend or family member you would want someone to be to you. As a lady once told me “I’m not sure there is anything more powerful than holding a hand.” Make sure they know they have a hand to hold.
Finally, do everything you can to lead them towards hope. There are doctors and medications that can help. There are counselors that can encourage. There are 24/7 hotlines to call. There are support groups that can be found. Most of all, there is a God who always cares and loves them dearly. He sent His only son Jesus to die on a cross to bring us all everlasting hope and peace.
For anyone reading this who feels suicidal. I’m praying for you! Here is the 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Call 1-800-273-8255 anytime.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Right now I’m just flat shot. I’m not talking just a little tired. I’m not talking about just a bad day. I’m talking about a series of days that I must admit have left me feeling broken. But, everybody knows we should never let others know such stuff. They might not think the same of us. Especially if we are often claiming to have such faith.
Well, right now in the midst of my absolute exhaustion. In the midst of feeling so stressed. In the midst of knowing I’m not at all okay. In the midst of absolute inside turmoil. I’m coming out of the closet with total honesty.
The truth is I’m often overwhelmed, discouraged and on the fence of depression. Yes, I keep pressing forward by faith. However, I rely on my faith because my flesh keeps failing me. In fact, the entire reason I ever said yes to Jesus was because I’m not okay without him. Definitely not without His grace, strength, comfort and peace.
Anyone who ever tells me they’ve got it all together shouldn’t stand next to me. I would be too afraid the lightning might strike us both after that big lie. My advice to every person out there struggling. Don’t be afraid to admit your struggles. Don’t be too prideful to let others know you’re just not okay.
Holding things deep within for too long just creates greater hardships. So, find someone you really know loves you. Let them know if you feel overwhelmed. None of us were meant to make it through this life alone. Often we need to know that we’re not the only person with skeletons in our closet. With nonstop struggles that apart from Jesus we certainly can’t bear.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
By now many of have probably noticed a trend. When I’m really hurting I write a lot. I don’t do it for self-pity. I don’t just do it so it might encourage someone. I do it because I feel compelled to share my story. For me it’s one of the key ways I cope with my nonstop pain.
My wife asked me earlier what all was hurting. My initial response was one word. Everything! It’s like someone gave me an IV full of self inflicting pain. My skin keeps crawling from my feet to my face. My lower back feels like someone has kicked me relentlessly. This has been going on practically the entire day.
I’m just waiting and hoping these medications kick in soon. Considering I took things two hours ago I would think relief would have already come. As I’ve stated before this is not a club I chose to join. This pain chose me and for reasons I may not fully understand God continues to allow this suffering.
In the meantime, my heart keeps pounding. The longer this misery continues the harder it is to be still. I’m certainly trying to be still and know that He is God. Yet, everyone has their limits when it comes to enduring pain. Evidently I’ve once again reached all I can take in one day.
“At night my bones are filled with pain, which gnaws at me relentlessly.” Job 30:17
This past Sunday I preached about being caught in a raging storm. I knew before I preached it that I would be forced to practice it very soon. Some folks didn’t make it out the parking lot before they were pounded. Others like myself had about 24 hours before the next storm hit. And, I’m not talking about Hurricane Dorian. Although there have been many affected by that too.
You really can’t wake up expecting things to be perfect. We live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. Jesus told us this world would be full of trials and sorrows. He also said to take heart because He has overcome this world. I think we must remind ourselves it’s Jesus and not us who has the power to overcome these unavoidable storms.
Too often I find myself wanting to fight for myself. Foolishly thinking that I should be strong enough to overcome anything. Seems God just waits on me to quit fighting a losing battle. To surrender fully the battle in front of me. To let Him fight for me what is way beyond my ability to overcome.
“The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14
All day I’ve tried to shake it. I’ve uttered many prayers. Talked with others hoping for encouragement. Tried to rest it off. Kept myself from anything possible to reduce my stress level. Still this storm cloud over my head won’t move.
The devil is working overtime to knock me down. With every move forward I feel resistance instantly. It’s like trying to swim during high tide. The current is so strong and keeps threatening to take me under. I’ve had to calculate my every move knowing the enemy is looking for any window to take me down.
Tonight I’m doing what I know is my best escape for now. I’m taking my nighttime medications early and getting in bed. Quality sleep could give me a huge lift. Outside prayers from friends and family could give me true breakthrough. Lately, God has been really at work. It’s no surprise Satan hopes to derail God’s plans by wearing me down. Only in Christ can I overcome and pass this intense test of faith.
“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” Romans 8:35,37
Today has just not been easy. My neuropathy has been flaring all throughout my body. My vision is still blurred by my meds. My mind has struggled to see anything in a non stressful manner. I’m just having one of those really tough days.
I guess the good news is I’m able to recognize what is actually happening. That I’m not going crazy or being dramatic. I’m just dealing with one of those days. Those days when the condition you have makes you feel defeated. In your mind you just can’t see beyond how you feel in the moment.
Yes, I experience this quite often. Generally at least once a week I totally crash inside. I feel stuck in this broken body. I wonder if it’s one day gonna take me totally down. Then, I remember how many times God has picked me up. Even in the midst of the panic attacks and the total brokenness.
Fortunately, God has taken me through many tough days. Therefore, I know how to take joy in what God is doing when I can’t do anything. God often uses the pain to accomplish His greater purpose. The toughest days Get us back aligned with God if we choose to trust Him with the trials.
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:2-4
Lord Jesus, here I am again down on my knees. In need of you holding my heart. Seems every time I get going I try to run ahead of you. Time keeps proving the only way I can do anything is to walk with you. To know that you are always with me.
If I’m honest I get so easily overwhelmed. Somehow I can only handle a fraction of what I used to feel like was nothing to me. It’s as if I have an electric fence around me. The moment I step too far out I’m zapped with anxiety. This is soon followed by total awareness of my extreme limitations.
Yet, God you have called me to lead out a mission meant to impact thousands. I see You at work more than ever before. I also see brokenness every direction. I find myself feeling Moses in scripture. He gave You every excuse in the book as to why he wasn’t able to be the leader You called him to be. You just kept reminding him “I AM WITH YOU.” Seems I need this reminder every hour. I feel so outmatched and so called at the same time.
God you have proven yourself faithful time and time again. Please settle my heart down once again. Reveal your great strength where I am so weak. Have your way in me and through me. Wherever you lead I will always go. I trust you with all of my heart.
“But Moses pleaded with the Lord, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”
Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” Exodus 4:10-12
There’s nothing I enjoy more than helping people find greater peace and purpose in Christ. It’s something I’ve been doing for so many years. So long that it’s simply a way of life for me. Yet, while my heart has not changed my body’s limitations have drastically changed. Enough that I have to constantly watch myself and respect my necessary boundaries.
These days the demand on my life is nonstop. Before I even wake up there are so many seeking my help. Whether it’s someone dealing with a death, a marriage in crisis or someone desperate for spiritual advice. I never wake up wondering if there is anything to be done. I wake up knowing I can’t do it all. Therefore I must operate led by clear priorities and boundaries.
Anyone hoping to live healthy must watch themselves closely. Don’t say yes to things you know will take you over the edge. Don’t keep doing things that prove to be unhealthy for you. Trust me, I know what it’s like to over extend yourself. You can be pursuing many good things, but it not be a God thing for you. You must keep respecting your limitations by making healthy daily decisions. Because if you don’t watch yourself you will wreck yourself.
“You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial.” 1 Corinthians 10:23
Overall, today has been a really good pain day. Everything was bearable and allowed me to do several things. I gave all I had when I preached both morning worship services. When your heart is so connected to what your saying it’s definitely emotionally draining. Yet, I could see what God was doing in the midst of so many hearts.
After leaving church we had a small family birthday party for my son Joel. It felt so good to be present. To actually let his special recognition come before my pain. These are moments I may have taken for granted in the past. We celebrated two of my boys birthdays this weekend. Yesterday one turned 18 and today my oldest turned 20.
Now, early this morning I had to load up with lots of caffeine to override the drowsiness from my medications. Seems it’s always a fight to stay awake prior to preaching. But, I made it through somehow today feeling pretty good. I’ve spent the evening in the tub after going to the grocery story for potential hurricane supplies earlier. Sadly, making such a trip is still something I must scratch off my todo list. Well, I’m going to try and get some rest knowing I gave all I had to give today.
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,” Colossians 3:23
A lot has changed for me over the past few years. This nagging pain has changed my entire approach to life. There’s many unpredictable moments I have to deal with daily. Fortunately, my coping skills have improved greatly. But, I still don’t like it.
I don’t like feeling like my nerves could crash any moment. I don’t like not going places with my family because my body aches so much. I don’t like not being able to sit, drive or stand for any extended period of time. I don’t like how this pain drains my energy and denies me of so much opportunity.
However, I can now identify with my grandad who lived to be 87. My grandad was asked, “Johnny are you alright?” He replied,”I’ve never been alright. I’ve just learn how to deal with it.” Fortunately I’ve learned how to deal with it myself. Yes, I’m still getting used to my restrictions and knowing 9pm should typically be my bedtime. But, this life is all about making adjustments.
Remember, whatever you’re going through God is not surprised. He saw it coming way before it happened. Yes, life is full of not fair moments. However, you can bet that God is always good. He will take you through whatever lies ahead. Just keep putting your little hand in His big hand.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
I’ve been thinking about this the past few days. I believe it’s best I take another extensive break from posting anything about my pain journey on social media. No, I’m not the worst I’ve ever been especially compared to a year ago this time. A year ago I really thought I needed to file for full disability, resign from pastoring, and just accept that I couldn’t get any better. In fact, I was still walking with a cane. Praise God I was able to overcome a very dark, dark season and get back up on my feet.
Now, I’m certainly not where I hoped to be this time this year. In fact, how I’ve been feeling lately has been discouraging way more than physically. I’m once again emotionally and mentally drained from my efforts towards recovery. Right now my present approach just isn’t working. Also, me writing about my pain isn’t helping so something must change. There’s a big difference between working through your pain and wallowing in it.
So, just as God led me to do a year ago this exact time. I feel led to step back again and seek God more desperately. This time I’m not near as reluctant because God has proven how trusting Him fully does change things. I’m not backing down in my faith. I’m stepping up in my faith. I’m not giving up in my hope. I’m totally seeking God to carry me even further towards greater hope.
“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6
I grew up in a Christian home raised by two great parents. Never did I feel unloved. Never did I feel scared for even one day. Compared to most I’ve always had a great life. Married a beautiful woman 23 years ago I dearly love and who I know still dearly loves me. We have 4 wonderful boys. Overall I’ve been very blessed for 44 years of my existence on planet earth.
God has allowed me the opportunity to be his vessel of comfort to many. I still consider being a minister of the gospel an awesome privilege. Even now with my limitations God allows me to be a part of His kingdom work. I thank God daily for the life and opportunity He gives me. Lord knows I don’t deserve any of it.
The past four years has been by far my most broken and painful. I’ve been like someone who was in a very bad car accident. It takes you awhile to know what even hit you. At first you just want help. Then, you hope someone can stop the pain and dry your tears. You cry, kick and scream as doctors tell you there is no fixing you. It takes awhile to process your disbelief.
Finally, you begin to embrace your new normal the best you can. It’s hard and I mean really hard. Especially when “your” dreams feel shattered. Because the pain is within you there’s no running from it. Honestly, your only way of coping is drugs or Jesus. When you choose to trust Jesus you rediscover God’s peace and learn to fully rely on His promises no matter what life brings.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
After spending over four hours straight in the tub I thought my pain had settled down. Just minutes after getting out I was hit again with that old familiar nauseous pain. Like poison running through my veins there’s nothing that feels good underneath my skin. I looked at my wife earlier with a lump in my throat. I said, “Looks like I just need to accept this pain and call it a night.”
Everything in me truly feels like I’m due for a good cry anytime soon. I thought that was going to happen earlier today prior to preaching the second worship service. Somehow that cloud passed over me. These toxins feel so fluid and make me feel so empty within. It’s like I can move from the highest mountain to the lowest valley in a split second.
These are the moments that make even me numb and silent. I can type a message, but don’t have the energy to process things verbally. Honestly, I’m tired of talking about this struggle that has long out stayed it’s welcome. It’s hard to read scripture or even pray for myself when I reach this kind of low. I’ve just learned to take a deep breath and be still before God. Only He can truly understand or do anything about my bleeding heart.
I’m so grateful to have a wife that is understanding. We’re both in a much better place as I learn to deal with things much quicker. When you feel so bad there is so much misunderstanding that takes place. There is so much mutual heartache as you both see things have changed.
“He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;” Psalm 46:10
Several times recently I’ve had people who really care about me compel some self-questioning. They wonder how I keep such a positive attitude in the midst of this never ending pain. That is apart from God giving me daily strength. God clearly is the obvious answer. However, I’m not sure that has answered all my questions. I’m wondering if I’m living in denial or acceptance.
If it’s fair I believe it’s a little bit of both. First, I have to live in a certain level of denial. Otherwise, how could I fully accept something that leaves me uncomfortable every second of every day? How can I keep fighting forward with hope if I only see myself as hopeless? How can I keep from crying all the time if all I do is swallow defeat? So, I’ve chosen to walk by faith that God is still in control and can change anything He sees necessary.
Now, there are many signs of healthy acceptance on my part. One, I wake up everyday doing all I can towards recovery because I know I can’t afford to roll backwards. Two, I calculate my daily steps knowing my health simply won’t allow me to live my past normal. Three, I keep processing it with people like you because it’s not in my head. In fact, it’s running wild throughout my body.
I’ve concluded that we all have our own coping strategies. Some of us don’t want to talk about painful stuff at all. Others of us, know we can’t keep it all inside. Regardless, you can acknowledge something and still not fully accept it. You can accept something in the present and still believe God can change it in the future. Each of us have things we feel have turned our world upside down and cause us so much pain. I’m living proof that even though you may feel like you’re going through Hell. God can still give you peace, promise, and purpose. In our hands it’s nothing but a burden. In God’s hands it somehow becomes a blessing.
“And we know God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28
You would think I should be used to it by now. But, you never get used to rain falling down on your parade. I had gotten my shower, got dressed and was waiting on my wife to pick me up for supper at Cracker Barrel. By the time she arrived I was already melting due to nerve pain. The nausea was rising and every piece of my skin was crawling.
Fortunately, I didn’t try to force things. After all, I’ve seen this movie over a thousand times before. So, I told her I knew deep down it was best she and my youngest son go on without me. After all, I’ve ruined many an evening trying to ignore this pain. She could see my disappointment, but she too knew it was best I just walked back inside.
Here I go again sitting alone in a hot tub waiting on my nerves to settle. I quickly took medication that I’m certain will help me feel relieved soon. I hate it, she hates it and even my 9 year old hates his daddy can’t join them. I’m still not liking my reality, but I’m much quicker to embrace it. Just takes several years to swallow this much truth into your heart.
I’m still extremely grateful for my daily progress. I know how much worse I could be. I know what it’s like to feel completely hopeless. I feel really bad right now, but I’m still very hopeful about the future. However, I will spend another long, lonely evening asking to renew my body, mind, and spirit. This also means Sunday morning is going to be an incredible time of worship. God always follows these kind of storms with bright rainbows of promise.
“I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures.” Genesis 9:13-15
It’s actually been 3 days since I’ve updated you on my condition. This week has been incredibly busy in a good way. And incredibly busy in a bad way as far as it’s impact on my body. Overall, I’m very happy with how my body is responding. I’m slowly but surely turning my recovery efforts in a greater direction of hope. Let me explain.
First, I have done daily light physical therapy exercises for ten days straight. This consistent movement has broken up so much stiffness gathered around my surgical area. Yes, my lower back continues to be very weak, sensitive and painful. However, my overall body is getting stronger and more flexible.
This past week I had several key appointments. One, I had two medical massages. Just keeping myself adjusted is critical right now. Then, yesterday I started going to a place that is helping me stretch properly. This is not to be confused with normal therapy. This place called “Flexible” not only teaches you how to stretch your muscles properly. But, they stretch you in way you can’t regardless of your limitations. Compared to countless physical therapy visits this place is in a league of its own. I will be going there once a week for the next ten weeks.
Overall, I feel God showing me how to keep the titanic from sinking. Sure, I’m exhausted and it’s far from easy. But, I can feel the movement helping and my momentum changing. Maintaining the necessary exercises under these conditions is way underrated. You can’t get where you want to go without the proper rest and movement.
I’m also back to walking more as well. Overall, I’m not focused on the distance or time. I just know nothing can replace the benefits of walking daily. Basically I change my position every 30 minutes from walking, sitting or standing. I continue to keep others informed of my condition and necessary boundaries. I’m just seeking to build healthy habits and translate this all into my normal every day lifestyle. I will definitely be spending today just getting some much needed rest.
“For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” 1 Timothy 4:8
I can’t imagine how those back in the dark ages dealt with certain severe pain. We’ve only been without power less than two hours and I’m beyond struggling. I need a heating pad or a hot bath badly. This weather outside is cutting through my body. I feel like someone broke into my house and kicked me repeatedly. All I can do is just lay here still and pray for comfort.
Praise God I’m waiting on my nighttime medications to kick in. Again, I can’t imagine not having something to help soften the torment. I also fully understand why so many choose to load themselves up with lots of narcotics. By the grace of God I’ve not had to go that route so far. Besides my allergic reaction to codeine God’s just protected me from certain drug addictions.
Daily I take 3200mg of Neurontin, 1200mg of ibuprofen, and 8mg of Zannaflex (muscle relaxers). Other than those prescriptions I take 15mg CBD caplets and use CBD Oil. I also take several supplements like Turmeric, Magnesium, Vitamin C, B12, Ginger, Vitamin D, Calcium, and a multivitamin. I can promise you it hardly puts a dent in the pain. However, without my prescriptions I could not function and certainly could never sleep. My spinal stimulator certainly helps a whole lot. Praise God my lights just came back on! God heard my prayers.
“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
I’ve tried so hard to overcome this nerve pain. I still feel deep down there’s something I’ve just not figured out yet. This condition doesn’t give me even an inch of grace or a second of warning. For the last several hours I’ve felt like I could throw up any minute. It’s so mentally, emotionally and physically debilitating. Even the smallest task seems monumental.
My body woke me around 4:30am and I’ve never been back to sleep since. I did get five hours sleep, but time keeps proving that little bit won’t work for me. I have to get at least eight hours sleep daily or I will long to be tranquilized. God only knows what this torment feels like. I wish I didn’t know as it sucks the very life out of my body.
Even as I’m typing these words I’m shaking my head in disbelief. Is this really how it’s going to be the rest of my life? How long can I bear this torture? I genuinely mean it when I say I’ve never questioned God for what has happened. In fact, if I didn’t fully trust God through it all I couldn’t get out the bed each morning.
Honestly, I’m not walking around constantly in tears. I’m not even wanting to wallow in self-pity. I’m sincerely upset that I even have to burden my wife, kids or others with my struggles. Sadly, there’s no way to mask something that has a hold on your entire body and mind. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. If one of my children had this exact condition I would grieve for them morning, day, and night.
Just as Job felt I’m a little perplexed. To my knowledge I’ve done nothing to deserve such constant agony. Evidently this is God’s plan to reveal His greater power to the world. In fact, maybe I’m the primary student meant to learn the most from this fiery ordeal. Whatever the purpose it’s all I have to smile about when it comes to this pain. I will stop here because I’m still shaking my head in disbelief. Yet, I’m still trusting God with all the faith I can muster while feeling so miserable.
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.” 1 Peter 4:12-13
This August my wife and I will have been married 22 years. We started dating 26 years ago. I thought we would’ve mastered this marriage thing by now. The truth is it’s always a challenge. Loving one another is easy. Learning how to do so in an understanding way is a constant roller coaster. I’ve learned over time there are 3 key areas that lead to breakdowns in any relationship.
One, you can’t ignore the Christ factor. In fact, any relationship without Christ is bound for separation. Only a mutual faith in Christ can keep us together. Only a mutual surrender to Christ can help us truly become one. This life is full of stress and marriage is just a piece of paper to most. Only two people who remain united in their devotion to Christ and their relationship can weather the storms satan will constantly bring.
Secondly, there is the communication factor. It’s one thing to date someone, but another thing to live together. The longer you’re together the more communication must be developed. It’s no longer just about where would you like to go on your next date. It’s about learning how to talk about the good, bad, and ugly together. That is without wanting to fist fight. It’s about learning how to understand your spouse not just get them to understand you. I still believe this is the most challenging thing for most relationships.
Thirdly, there’s the compatibility factor. I do believe there’s a lot of truth in saying opposites attract. Usually we find someone who has opposite strengths and qualities than us. Typically we admire in someone else what we do not see in ourselves. In many ways God uses two imperfect opposites to make a healthier whole. Underneath the umbrella of Christ and communication we’re able to feel like a match made in Heaven. But, any time any of these areas get out of sorts our relationship suffers and everything feels like a chore.
Please know these struggles are normal for us all. My wife and I have to work through things everyday. There are days that nothing comes easy or feels right. There are other days that come real easy and feel wonderful. Just because your relationship feels like work doesn’t mean it’s not meant to be. Anything worth fighting for requires dedication, sacrifice, sweat, and maybe even some tears along the way.
“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:9
Dear Heavenly Father,
How Holy and awesome are your name. You are my rock, my refuge, my strength and my only constant peace in this life. You alone hold me together. Only by your grace can I find such favor now and have such a secure future later.
Thanks for blessing me in so many ways. For giving me parents that have always pointed me to you. For giving me a wife that completes me in every way. For giving me four boys that I know will grow up to be mighty warriors for you. For giving me a church family that loves me even in my brokenness. For giving me a platform daily to share the life changing gospel of Jesus Christ with others.
Forgive me for any way that I’ve failed you. Examine my heart and reveal anything that is not pleasing to you. Whatever you want I want dear Lord. I pray not my will, but your will be done. Help me not waste a second more of this brief life you have given me. Make much of you as I become less and less.
I’m lifting up to you not only my needs but the needs of all those around me. May all who are spiritually lost come to know Jesus the only Saviour of a man’s soul. May all who are hungry be fed. May all who are lonely find a true friend. May all who are grieving be comforted. May all who are weak be strengthened. May all who are losing faith have it renewed. May everyone feel your love, hear your voice, and choose to let you lead their lives.
Lord, I come to you not because I have to. I’m thrilled I get to by grace through faith in Jesus Christ alone. You are always there for me. You’ve never let me down and you’ve always taken me through even the lowest of valleys. I trust you with everything past, present and future. Use it all for my good and mostly for your glory!
“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Hebrews 4:14-16
Yep, I would say that pretty much sums up me right now. From a physical standpoint there’s not much else I can do. It seems to be getting tougher and tougher to ignore. After all, you can only take so much of being completely uncomfortable. Mornings, days, and nights keep feeling like an absolute chore.
I told my wife earlier it’s just getting harder to handle. My mind and body are exhausted from dealing with the misery. Outside of God’s sustaining strength and grace I would’ve long ago given up. Thank God I’ve always felt like I have plenty to fight for and live for even now. Otherwise, I doubt things would look too good about now.
Anyone in my shoes can identify. It’s hard my friends it’s really hard. Even if I never get out the bed the pain is constant. My legs always ache and my body is rarely happy. My only chance at true relief comes only in my sleep. Even much of my sleep finds me squirming, kicking and screaming.
One day “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” Revelation 21:4
Fours years ago you could’ve never convinced me just how much my life would change. I’m not just talking about dealing with such life altering pain. I’m not talking about all the surgeries, injections, my spinal spinal stimulator or countless medical appointments. Sure, all those things have been surprising and very stressful in real time. However, I’m most shocked at the lifestyle changes I’m still having to make daily.
You see, I’m that guy most knew as Mr. Sweet Tooth. If you made a homemade cake, pie, or cobbler there was no one that would eat it faster. Man, I used to joke and claim that banana pudding was a vegetable. Now, here I am not just counting every calorie. I’m studying daily how sugar affects my body and making sure I eat the least amount possible.
A few years ago I was living wide open. I felt I was reaching my healthiest most thriving years. Now, I’m calculating my every step hoping I can endure another day. Seems I live in the bed or the bath. Every decision and move is an absolute fight of faith. I still can’t believe I’m having to get in this bed by 8pm every night.
In so many ways, I’m still at the graveside trying to say goodbye to the old me. Much like other griefs I’m shocked daily by the loss of my former health and life. Part of me still believes I could play tennis one day. Then, I stand up after a full night’s sleep and my legs tell me I’m crazy. The changes have been endless. Yet, I’m still believing and hoping tomorrow can be different.
Life has definitely changed in endless ways. Thank God I still have my wife, kids, ministry opportunity and can even still walk period. I certainly realize things can always get worse. But, my have things changed. It’s only confirmed that Jesus is the only constant peace, promise and hope for us all.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” Hebrews 13:8
I hate this feeling so much. In fact, it’s what I work so hard to avoid feeling on a daily basis. Once you feel this pain once you will do practically anything to not feel it again. Every fiber of me hurts so badly. I’ve taken all that I have for medications. Now, it’s just about waiting on the storm to calm.
After over 150 ounces of water you would assume any caffeine or processed sugar would be totally out of my system. Caffeine or sugar has to be causing my issues because it’s the only things different about this day. My skin has been crawling underneath for about 3-4 hours straight. Honestly, 3-4 minutes this way would make most sick.
The nausea is getting old. My body’s response to cool air is piercing. Any sudden sound or movement is hardly bearable. As much as I’ve experienced similar pain before you would think I would be used to it. I only had half the caffeine intake compared to most Sundays. But, I did have a small cup of ice cream last night and a small piece of cake today.
Honestly, my bet is on the sweets as little as it might seem. Evidently it’s just more than my body can digest with this nerve wrecked condition. Hoping to be out of my misery sooner than later. Seems it typically takes two days for sugar to completely catch up with me. All I can do is keep on taking notes and learning. I will make the necessary adjustments.
My body is finally shot from a long day of giving all I’ve got for ministry purposes. There’s no doubt that Sundays still take everything I’ve got to give and more. Not to mention that even limited caffeine used to stay focus beyond my meds is clearly an issue. Right now my entire body is vibrating with discomforting sensations. Therefore, I’m guzzling water hoping to rid my body of any unnecessary inflammation.
Regardless, I believe every ounce of pain has been worthwhile. I know I’m in the midst of seeing God do something incredible. Lives are being changed, marriages saved, and families are coming together in Christ. Deep in my heart I know I’m witnessing the early beginnings of something that is changing the world. I’m talking a movement that will one day be written about by others. All that can be fully explained is God is showing up and showing out.
It’s taken many steps of faith to see this season of watching God work so mightily. In fact, it’s taken a long time to learn how to get out of God’s way so He can have His way. Even then you never arrive or figure it out. You just keep taking one faithful God seeking step at a time while trusting in God’s faithfulness. Just like Jesus would say it was worth every ounce of His pain and suffering to die on the cross for you and me. I would say if only one soul comes to know Jesus my pain would not been in vain.
“Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me.” Luke 9:23
Slept almost 7 hours last night. Which is good for me on a Saturday night. Seems the devil always likes to gives me even greater fits prior to preaching on Sundays. He knows anything that ignites my nerves has a chance of wrecking me. However, I’m finding that the right God led strategy can help me out smart the devil.
For 3 nights and going on 4 days I’ve changed the way I’ve approached my pain. First of all, I make sure that I get in the bed as soon as I take my night time meds. In fact, by 6pm I’m in the tub settling myself down from the pain I know is quickly approaching me. Then by 8pm I’m taking my meds and crawling in my bed to be still. This has moved me from an average of 4 hours sleep per night to an average of over 8 hours sleep the past 3 nights.
In the mornings, I’m finding the first step forward is the biggest. Especially when my body is telling me there’s no way I can get up. After getting up I continue to change my positions. I’m not supposed to sit or stand in the same position for longer than 30 minutes at a time. This will be my 3rd day of light physical therapy exercises. I mix with this getting in a pool to take all pressure off my back. I’ve been keeping my outside activity to no more than 4-5 hours before I roll back in to call it a day and night. I still watch very closely what I drink, eat, and do around the clock.
Consistency really does matter. Taking the next right step really does matter. Being strategic as you learn how to best deal with your life altering condition really does matter. No, it’s not something you master and yes there will always be things you can’t control. But, there’s great peace when you’re doing all that you can while trusting God for all that you can’t. Your faith steps mixed with God’s faithfulness will help you overcome the evil one.
(Isaiah 41:10)”Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
-Slept 9 1/2 hours last night
-2nd day of Light Physical Therapy
-Took a 30 minute walk
-2nd Day Of Pool Therapy
-Establishing Routine of activity, drinking water & bedtime
-Respecting My Limitations
-Scales say I’ve finally hit my most ideal weight of 175lbs.
-Lost 30 pounds in 6 1/2 months.
-Feeling More Empowered
-My recovery momentum has returned
-Lowest Pain Day In A Month
-No tears and mainly smiles
-Staying Humble While Continuing To Strive Forward
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
Today, God has spoken to my heart in many ways. I know He speaks through His Word, the Holy Spirit, and through circumstances. But, often He speaks through people. I won’t mention their names in order to give God all glory. However, two messages I received today gave me significant encouragement.
The first church I ever started in my home town reached many people. Every step I took I sought to let God lead through me. Then, about 5 years into this outreaching church plant I became extremely burnout. I felt led to resign and I tried to leave the church in good hands. The church ended up totally shutting down two years after my departure. It ripped my heart out to disappoint so many. God led me in 2011 to move my family to Walterboro.
Here is the encouragement I received from someone who use to attend that church and now attends the church I currently pastor. My previous church was called GracePoint and the one I started 6 years ago and still pastor now is called Refuge. This lady said out of the blue with no pre-conversation of this matter.
She said, “I’m so grateful you started Refuge because I’m not sure if we’d have a church otherwise. I’m grateful for Grace Point, too, because even though it may no longer be there, it still planted seeds with my kids (and myself) and to me, that is success. Refuge is watering what Grace Point planted! Never forget that.”
Then, less than an hour ago I read an email that was sent to me last night. I had already gone to bed so I missed reading this prayer last night. It still meant plenty to me as my dear friend lifted me up to the Father and spoke such encouragement over me in an email. Then, I read one line that grabbed my heart most. In fact, it released me from something that has weighed so heavy on my heart for so long. Especially since I can’t help so many like my health used to allow.
My dear brother in Christ prayed, “Please give him the discernment on how his time can be allotted. If that means his wife and family get 95% and everyone else 5% then please give him the sign that he can be let off the hook for matters that tug at his heart from outside of his family. Let him know that if he could not be at another bedside due to his condition that he has not failed You at all.”
When I read each of these statements relieving tears washed over me. Too often we rest our identity in who we help and how much we accomplish. Then, when life limits us greatly we have an identity crisis. God has to remind us often whose we are and who we are in Christ. I’m finding much greater peace as I learn to rely more on Christ instead of Craig.
“Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24
Well, I only got 5 1/2 hours sleep last night. But, I can’t explain how much better I felt when I woke up. Yesterday, I just finally crashed. The tears and processing released many toxins. A little bit of sleep took me even further.
Today, was a good day for many reasons. One, I woke up resolved to change what I could on my end. Two, I’ve started back doing physical therapy exercises. This movement has already begun loosening some of the tension in my lower body. Thirdly, I will now get a medical massage every Tuesday and Thursday. I’ve definitely learned it’s critical the rest of my body stays aligned. Fourthly, I got into the pool for the first time this week. It was exactly what I needed along with quality time with my wife and youngest son.
Most of all, I feel like I am finally accepting certain realities. I know I can’t stay in any one position very long. Even laying in the bed too long can intensify my pain. I know I’ve got to get proper rest no matter what. So, tonight for the second straight night I will put myself in the bed by 8pm. My necessary limits are what they have proven themselves to be over time. So, as my body begins to give out once again I don’t feel depressed. I feel empowered because I’ve discovered many things that can help me deal better with my current condition. I’m also still believing God for my healing.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5
Most of us know complete exhaustion melts a a man or woman down. Add to that exhaustion extreme pain and you’re going to have one devastated person. That’s what has collided with me of recent. I’ve gone an entire week with half the sleep this broken body requires for survival. This madness has only fueled my extreme aches and pains.
After nearly 5 1/2 hours sleep I realize just how much this combo has been my downfall. Just a little rest has lifted my spirit and reminded me how critical restful relief is for us all. I’ve also been reminded that I must keep listening to my body and learning from days go by. I am where I am at this time. I must respect my condition and accept my limitations.
One, I must do whatever it takes to get at least 8 hours sleep per day. This requires me going to bed consistently the same time every night. I have to put myself to bed like a much older man. It doesn’t matter what everyone else does or does not do. This is the life approach I must take to give myself the best fighting chance to thrive.
Two, I can’t operate intensely more than five hours per day. As a pastor I can easily spend night and day helping folks. Why? Because I care deeply about people and I pray that never changes. However, my current condition demands boundaries and I will do whatever necessary to be as healthy as possible.
Three, I can no longer live in denial. I have a major nerve condition that affects my entire life. It’s time for this truth to not just be in my mind, but be received in my heart. I must operate based on my new normal and quit comparing things to my old normal. It’s time to make all necessary disciplines a lifestyle change. Not just things I implement sometimes, but practice all the time.
Long trips generally won’t happen without a designated driver. Warning signs from my body will no longer be ignored. Physical therapy and self care will not be an afterthought. Apologizing for taking care of my health must cease. Getting too involved in multiple civilian affairs must be kept in check. Too much crisis intervention has proven time and time again to be my kryptonite. I will do what’s best for me which I believe will be best for others. Everyone may not understand my decisions, but all that matters is what God thinks.
Health issues impose their will upon everyone at some point. We might not like what the doctor reveals, but we can’t deny the facts. We have to do whatever it takes to make healthy choices. We can’t live in denial and just pray everything works out. We must do all that we can while trusting God to do all that we can’t. This will lead us towards being healthier physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and spiritually. I certainly plan to practice everything I preach to others. Now let me go back to sleep.
“You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial.” 1 Corinthians 10:23
There’s no way to deny that I’m battling the threat of a depression. Anytime you can barely sit, walk, or do things for an extended period of time it’s gonna discourage you. It’s been this way so long. I’m out of strength and so tired of this daily fight. I desperately need to get a good nights sleep.
Earlier I sought to go get my medicine from CVS and then hope to grab something to eat. While waiting in line my pain got so bad and I became so nauseous. Even the few items in my hand were too heavy for me to hold anymore. I basically put everything back I just shopped for and only purchased my prescriptions. I couldn’t get out of the store quick enough as I felt I could cry a river any second.
Fortunately, I made it back home which is a short drive. Afterwards, there was no way I could pick up something to eat with this terrible pain. Thank God I was able to get into my bed and turn this heating pad on. I’m definitely gonna have to crawl before I walk. I also have to acknowledge and deal with this depression that keeps knocking on my door. Overall, I’m far from giving up. I’m just absolutely give out.
“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9
My precious wife has been on this ride of pain with me for a very long time. She is certainly not a complainer. She has played the most significant role in my recovery journey. In fact, I know without her I would have given up a long time ago. However, we’re reaching a new season. A season where we’re both exhausted and tired of looking at this life altering pain.
Her grief and life adjustments have never been out of my sight. She has waited on me hand and foot for nearly four years. Helping me get out of the bed, tying my shoes and filling up the tub several times per day. She has held my hand and sat by my side more nights than I can count. Her life demands, burdens and roles have increased significantly. Her sleep, stress, and dreams have all been shattered by my condition.
She has seen all she can take of watching someone she dearly loves suffer endlessly. I can finally see that she desperately needs a break. I’ve accepted that’s it’s nothing personal, but necessary. From this point forward I’m going to try my best and keep this cross to myself. I know she grieves the husband she once had before. Sadly that guy has long been gone. I’ve got to be the best new me possible.
All I can do is try to keep to myself as much as possible. She doesn’t need to hear about my pain day and night. Of course, I can’t deny my struggles are wrecking my life and drastically affecting those closest to me. However, it’s time to take a new approach. To simply do all I can for myself and hope for as much normalcy as possible.
The guilt of a chronically ill person can’t be described. The weight of their caregivers carry can’t be measured. Seeking to love one another in an understanding way is the only way we can move forward. I definitely need to get back to seeing my counselor. I will also continue to adjust to this life altering pain. I love my wife dearly and I can’t thank her enough for walking with me through this valley. She definitely embodies a love that is only possible with God’s help.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
It’s been nearly two weeks that I couldn’t withstand coughing, sneezing or laughing too hard. Anytime I even take a deep breath this coccyx pain takes my breath away. It’s like I’m being stabbed repeatedly. I had reached the point where this pain just wouldn’t stop and was taking me down daily.
Earlier I went to get my weekly medical massage. I shared with my therapist how I felt defeated and beyond discouraged. How something needed to change for me to quit rolling backwards. How I’ve averaged only fours hours of sleep per night the past four days due to my relentless discomfort. I almost broke down when I tried taking a deep breath and the pain started blaring so deeply.
Then, with God guiding her giftedness I felt some relief. She said, “You’ve definitely been on lockdown. The inflammation has even gravitated up into your abdomen.” With some adjusting I could actually take a big deep breath and not feel screaming pain. Tears of relief and hope poured down my face. I realized I had been in a prison of pain for quite some time. I discovered there was actually something that could help me.
Starting next week I will be getting adjusted twice a week. I will also be starting back some physical therapy. There are habits I must change as I retrain my mind and body to work best. The pain was just forcing me into a corner of fear and defense. Therefore, all of my lower body has been suffering greatly. For the sixth week in a row I’ve had a total meltdown. However, God has used every tear to calm my heart and release the pain.
“Jesus Wept.” John 11:35
The pain I’m enduring is starting to wear me down. Whether morning, day or night it’s still there. There are short periods of time my medications take the edge off. However, my lower back and especially this coccyx pain just wont let up. You can’t run from something that is affected by sitting, walking, standing, driving or laying down.
Heat, ice, baths, and pools are my best hopes for greater relief. Medications are my only chance for sleep. Seems it’s getting harder and harder to get to sleep. Especially once the pain gets on top of me. All I feel in my lower back and body is constant throbbing.
Even still, I’m miles beyond how I used to be. There was a time when I never got sleep or relief. When I had no idea why I was going so crazy inside. When I had no ability to cope with my situation. When I could never focus because of my pain or medications. Often you have to be reminded of what God has done. Then, it encourages you to trust Him for what He still can do. I’m choosing to believe God will heal me in His perfect timing.
“He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11
Whether we think so or not. We all long for certain things to be predictable. Especially when it comes to our physical, mental or emotional health. Often these things get out of line. It makes us feel out of sorts and discombobulated. Everything within us starts scratching and clawing to feel better. We long to feel like things are back on track.
I’ve personally been very disappointed by a shot I received a month ago. Not only are things not better in that particular area. I believe they may feel worse. I’ve been doing everything I can to stay top of things with my health. However, I can’t predict anything anymore except that things are unpredictable.
All I can do is run to the one who knows all and can see all. All I can do is trust the great physician when I can’t get any answers from my earthly physician. Sure, I would love to feel on top of things. I like things predictable and explainable. Life keeps showing me that this world will always be full of unpredictable. Therefore, my faith must rest on my never changing Savior instead of my ever changing condition.
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17
After only five hours of sleep I would usually still feel crippled. With my condition sleep is not an option if I hope for any quality of life. I’ve often said I’m much like a golf cart. Running at a high speed is really not an option. Once my battery dies my entire body starts to fold and nothing is an option.
All things considered I’m doing well today. Soreness is always going to be there and limits may surround me. Praise God the insanity and unbearable has ceased. Once again God has whispered “Peace Be Still.” I still feel stuck in a raging sea. But, God has calmed me even if the waves continue to crash around me.
You know, sometimes we just need help getting through the day. There’s no way out of our pain. Yet, God can carry us through the pain. Each day is different and an opportunity to see a brighter season. Often we have to experience extreme lows to appreciate the higher ground God puts us on. He is there all the time holding us together and helping us smile again.
“The Lord GOD is my strength, And He has made my feet like hinds’ feet, And makes me walk on my high places.” Habakkuk 3:19
“This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24
To my knowledge I’ve never asked why this is happening to me. I’m sure I wondered what really happened to me. In fact, I’m still trying to swallow the aftermath of this hurricane. It’s like having lightening strike you out of nowhere. It’s leaves you stunned and desperate for relief.
Now, I’ve continually asked God for relief. To ease my pain enough that I can smile. To carry me when I don’t feel I can carry on. To help he endure the next moment of discomfort. God has continually answered those prayers.
I also ask God daily to use this pain to encourage others. To show others through me that His grace is enough. I’m sure many see me doing nothing but complaining. But, I’m actually working through fears as I use the extinguisher of faith. So, far it’s helped me put out every fire and overcome every battle.
“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” )Ephesians) 6:12-17
Your heart drops in disappointment. Your emotions feel like a roller coaster that never ends. Your response to how you’re doing changes every minute. Your worry about tomorrow has to wait because you’ve got to survive today. Welcome to the world of chronic pain.
Sadly, you don’t get to choose it, but it chooses you. You reminisce about days in the past you could do this or that. Unfortunately, painless days seems so long ago. You find them very hard to believe. Only God knows your pain!
I get it my friend because it’s the life I live daily. I still choose to believe things can change. I believe God is using everything for my good and His glory. Sure, it brings momentary depression. No, I don’t understand why it has to be this way. Fortunately, I have nothing to figure out. I just have to trust God throughout it all.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6
I’ve been on edge for many hours today. I’m now toasted from head to toe. Inside my skin just feels burned. The pain on my surgical area is clearly an 8 out of 10. Nausea has been a constant. Best way to sum up how I feel is fried.
However, I see God doing more than ever. His voice is clearer than ever. No doubt that God is on the move within me and around me. My blinding discomfort makes it hard to enjoy. God’s obvious, powerful presence makes it hard to not celebrate.
One thing I know for sure. Anytime we get closer to our breakthrough. Satan seeks to break us down with relentless adversity. He’s not gonna give up territory he has dominated so long very easily. Therefore, our faith must stay in four wheeled drive. Our trust in God’s faithfulness must be where our confidence remains. If we stay on a God led course we will experience greater victory despite great adversity.
(Isaiah 41:10)(NLT) Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Today has been exhausting and powerful all at once. Caffeine yesterday helped me stay focused to preach a funeral. Lots more caffeine today literally was the only thing that kept awake to preach two times this morning. After only 3 hours of sleep I was desperate for alertness. Been drinking lots and lots of water to flood out the caffeine that has literally buzzed my nervous system.
God did so much today during two powerful worship services. The miracles I witness each week compel me to keep giving all I’ve got. All I do is keep my ears and heart open to what God wants said or done. God speaks, I write it down, and then I share it with people. Many accuse me of speaking directly to them. Several said today “that message was made just for me.”
I’m starting to recognize even deeper the power of the Holy Spirit. Only God can give you spiritual discernment. Only God can breathe life into the spiritually dead. Only God can open ears, hearts, and minds to truly hearing His voice. All I keep seeking to do is allow God to pipeline revelation to me so He can pipeline His power through me.
“But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.” John 16:13
Written: July 4th, 2019
Dear Heavenly Father,
You see the burden you’ve allowed to be placed put upon me. This thorn in my flesh. It affects me physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially day and night. It impacts my wife, children, family, friends and those I seek to minister to in so many ways. It’s like having to wear a straight jacket all the time. The misery I endure daily can’t be adequately put into words.
You know it leaves me kicking and screaming within often. How can I ignore the torture when it reaches certain levels and leaves me in a puddle of tears? You’ve stripped me down to my very core. You’ve exposed how much I can’t do without you literally holding my hand. You’ve allowed this extreme suffering to go on and on so much longer than I could ever had imagined. I see no end in sight this side of Heaven.
I feel misunderstood by so many. Yet, I’ve come to realize that most can’t understand what they’ve never experienced personally. We all only know the cross we’ve been called to bear. I’m well aware that everyone suffers in various ways. Pain or trials are no respecter of anyone regardless of age, race, position, finances or faith.
Now, I’m not trying to question anything you’re doing. I’ve known most of this journey that you are greatly at work. However, nearly four years after this appointed trial began I’m still trying to swallow all the life alterations. You never said it would be easy. You just made it clear that this faith walking journey was purposeful.
Of course, before it was a lot easier to preach to others. To tell them to trust God no matter what life throws their way. Then, came my turn to be hit directly by this hurricane of nonstop pain. All I can do is process things day by day. Sometimes only minute by minute. All I can do is rely totally on You for strength, direction, grace, and mercy.
No, I’ve not given up on Your ability to heal me. However, I know it’s not my place to determine when that healing takes place. So, I will wait for You to deliver me from this extreme affliction in Your timing. I see so much You are still doing within me, around me, and despite me. I know You are using this struggle to reveal to me and many Your grace, power, love, mercy, and glory.
So, I guess my prayer is that you continue to have mercy on me as you promised. Help me be faithful no matter what this life throws my way. Use this struggle dear Heavenly Father any way that brings you maximum glory for eternity. Even though, saying “whatever way” is hard for me to swallow at times. I trust you completely with my life. You have never failed me before. I know You will never fail me now or later.
“even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)
It’s 2am and sleep is nowhere to be found. Maybe it’s because of the energy supplement I had to take at lunch time yesterday. Maybe it’s because of these restless legs that are killing me. Maybe it’s because my body only knows how to sleep very medicated. Maybe the devil knows I’m preaching for eternal life change this Sunday at Refuge Church.
This is certainly not unfamiliar territory for me. So, I’m not freaking out because I’ve been here before especially on Saturday nights. I know these are the times I’ve seen God work his greatest magic. When I’m totally depleted of my strength and forced to rely totally on His strength. When the devil is coming at me from every angle and I find myself desperate on my knees in prayer.
Of course, these moments are never welcomed. However, I can’t deny that God uses them to grow me and reveal Himself powerfully to others. My honest heart’s desire is to do the will of God. This life is short and these trials are temporary. I want God to use me to point countless souls to Jesus. If that means this is the cross I need to bear I’m willing to endure this suffering. Not because it feels good, but because it’s all about God’s glory being revealed in the end.
“And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.“ Hebrews 12:1-3
God you know I’m trying with everything within me to cope each day. This pain wakes me up early and puts me in bed way earlier than I would like. It interrupts my life constantly. I’m not complaining for I know things can always be worse. I’m just being real about this struggle that has changed life as I once knew it. Help me Lord in ways only you can.
Even if you don’t calm the pain please calm me. Help me be a beacon of light for others who battle relentless pain. May they not see just my pain, but the peace you give me regardless of the pain. May they know the only reason I still smile is because of You. May they know the only reason I still have hope is because of You. You are my strength, shield, and steady pain manager.
For the one reading this right now. May they feel your love, hear your voice, and be encouraged. May they know that nothing placed upon them will ever be greater than You can handle. I know you will never leave them or quit caring about them. Meet all their needs in the midst of their pain. May they know there is only one healer and giver of never changing hope. His name is Jesus.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.” Hebrews 13:8
“This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.” Hebrews 6:19
Things are improving here on pain row. All day long my pain has been much more bearable. By all day I really mean half of day since I didn’t get out of bed until noon. When I did get up I felt much better than yesterday. Still struggling to sit anywhere for any real length of time.
I’m just having to swallow what works best for me to make it. One, I must stay in the bed at least 10-12 hours daily. Two, I can’t be out doing anything for more than four to five hours straight before my body will crash. Three, I must not sit or stand any longer than 30 minutes before changing to another position. Four, I must shorten my days as much as possible. I hate going to bed so early, but by 9pm I need to be medicated and waiting for my body to fall asleep.
Recent misery has me putting on the brakes every direction. I have to watch very carefully what I allow myself to do and not do. Without great discipline there is no way to ride this tidal wave of pain. The truth is that’s just the way it is and has to be at this time.
My legs feel so heavy and weary. I continue to use heat for comfort and ice for the inflammation. Praying I will fall asleep very soon. I need plenty of rest for this weekend. Tomorrow I will preach a funeral for a very dear lady. Sunday, I hope to preach my heart out at our two morning worship services.
Praying for each of you that are struggling. I encourage you to listen to your body and keep applying what you learn. Make every adjustment necessary to deal best with your condition. Then, trust God to do what you can’t while you do all that you can. Remember, every decision you make really impacts things.
“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.”
Earlier I felt like I was stuck in an ant bed. I had moved from uncomfortable to unbearable. I simply did what I’ve had to to do so many times before. I cried out to my God for help. I took my nighttime meds just hoping for sooner than later relief.
While fighting the pain I needed to finish preparing my message for this Sunday. Ironically it’s called “In The Waiting.” I struggled to sit or focus due to the pain. God used the truth he revealed for my sermon to encourage my heart once again. I know I’m in this season for a divine reason.
Praise God I finished my sermon and relief has come. My son put one of our outdoor patio recliners in my room. This allows me to position my body to whatever is most comfortable. I continue to use heat and ice for comfort. I’m going to bed with great comfort and peace knowing God will always take care of me.
“He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.” Psalm 18:19
I’ve spent another day in the bed or bath every second. I did take a 15 minute walk hoping to work out some of my discomfort. Sadly this tailbone pain continues to control my entire ability to do anything. This is without expecting to enjoy anything. Shoot, I can’t even walk from my bed to my bathroom without extreme pain. I can’t even sit in any position for a few minutes without great discomfort.
My morning and afternoon were pretty painful. But a few hours ago the pain moved to a much higher level. I could not understand it since I had just woken up from a two hour nap. Then, I went to reach for my nighttime medication. I realized that I totally missed my 2pm medication. As if I needed any fuel to the fire raging within me. So, I’m just getting anymore medication in me since 8am.
There’s no denying the torture I feel at this time. Yet, there’s absolutely nothing I can do except wait out this storm. Lord knows I needed to take extra meds not miss my normal dose of meds. I never miss taking things on time as I set several alarms and always strategically keep things with me. The devil is testing me again and I know it. I’m just going to let Jesus take it all so He can use it all for His glory.
“Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.” James 4:10
I stayed in the bed over 17 hours straight. Out of that time I managed to get nearly 10 1/2 hours of sleep with the help of additional muscle relaxers. I hoped to wake up to an entirely new body. The majority of my body did get refreshed. However, this coccyx pain has continued to be piercing to say the least.
With every step, cough, laugh or sudden move it easily takes my breath away. We’re talking the exact area I just got a shot in over 3 1/2 weeks ago. While I’m very disappointed I don’t feel helpless. I will still get another shot in late August by my new pain management doctor. Plus based on past experiences this shot could still bring greater relief in days ahead.
In the meantime, I’m doing all I can to research this matter that has been forced upon me. From therapy, exercise, diet, rest, massage, shots, or other procedures I’m willing to do anything that might bring improvement. I’m thinking about get my nerves burned since that has never been done before. I will discuss this with my doctor on August 1st.
I sincerely believe when you’re willing to do your part God will bless your faithfulness. Healing might not happen in my time. It might not happen in the way I expect. Certain things I may just have to learn to live with in this life. Whatever God has planned I trust Him every step of the way.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Most should know by now that I choose to write in the pain. Its the only time I can fully articulate my emotions. I don’t have to make up sights and sounds. All I need to do is flesh out my current reality. This pain compels me to write and helps me connect with so many of you.
After finally having to take Valium I’m just laying on my side waiting with a heating pad turned up high. Waiting on the pain to not be breathtaking. Waiting on my heart to settle down. Waiting not to feel just so bad overall. I told my wife earlier it’s just so painful, disappointing and embarrassing.
First, I hate hurting so badly it makes me want to vomit. Two, I get very disappointed because I try so hard to stay on top of my health. Every time this happens it knocks the air out of my sails. Three, I still get embarrassed by my condition. I hate for people to see me so weak, struggling to focus and so on edge.
Now, just because I’m honest doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to be. I simply believe I can’t expect others to be honest if I’m not totally honest. At the end of the day all I can do is trust God. Only He can make sense of the madness.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:5-6
Earlier today I was ready to declare this breakthrough Tuesday. That was not long after my weekly medical massage. While I still had some pain I felt miles beyond my normal. Seems like the slightest bit of relief leads me to believe I’ve been miraculously healed. Every quality moment really does lift my spirit to new heights.
Then, I got home only to run into this wall of complete reality. I felt like I could barely get in the door if I had to walk another step. At least without wanting to throw up from the nausea of nonstop throbbing pain. Seriously, I felt like a school boy begging my wife to go fill the tub up once more with hot water. Sadly, it appears I will spend another evening soaking to calm the pain.
Now, let me praise God that I’ve had three consecutive good days. The improvement tempted me to do way more than my body will allow. I’ve literally been going nonstop the past three days from morning until night. Now, reality has knocked the denial clean out of me.
Is this not how life constantly feels. Breakthrough feels so close one moment. You feel so close to breakdown the next. This makes you feel low and helpless. It’s hard to see the positive in the cloud of the pain.
Tonight, I’m asking God to help me live with balance. Balance between the proper rest and activity. Life doesn’t always give us this option. When it does we must choose wisely. We must consider our health and limitations. Otherwise, we will pay for it most of the time.
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive.” 1 Corinthians 10:23
I’ve not genuinely smiled inside for what seems like weeks. Yes, I have a wonderful wife and four God-given sons who give me plenty of joy. God has blessed me with many friends and family. I love being a pastor and the opportunity to encourage others forward by faith.
However, my health has revealed that it’s hard to enjoy anything when you’re experiencing nonstop suffering. Misery can easily knock every ounce of joy out of you. I reached the end of my strength a long time ago. Now, I’m learning how to still find joy through the pain.
Outside of doing all I can to take care of my health. I believe I’ve discovered something that can help restore some joy. Instead of just seeing all you can’t do seize what you can. Look for the moments you can treasure. Instead of watching the entire day go by.
Today, I made a hospital visit. Then, I went and ate supper with my wife and nine year old. We weren’t gone long, but I actually enjoyed our time together. Getting out some I find is much better than not getting out at all.
For me, I’ve decided that I will simply look to enjoy one or two moments each day. I will rest properly, diet as necessary, and keep learning of how deal with my constant anxiety. Then, in between all that stuff I will not allow Satan to keep me from enjoying all the good stuff. I’m going to bed tonight with much greater joy in my heart and a genuine smile on my face.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” Philippians 4:4-5
If I’m really honest, I’m scared. In fact, I’m very scared because I sincerely don’t know what the next minute will bring. My nervous system is no longer failing me sometimes. It’s back to failing me all the time. No matter what I’ve learned and try to apply. It’s no longer getting out of control, but staying out of control.
For four weeks in a row I’ve had the return of major anxiety attacks. When I first get out the bed, during the day, at bedtime and throughout the night. I can’t shake them or run from them. Why? Because they are connected to the body that is holding me hostage. My nerves feel like ice water running throughout my body. Outside of prayer there seems to be no water I can find to put out the flames that literally consume me from head to toe.
The longer this goes on without answers I do wonder how much more I can take. These consistent days of torment appeared to be in my distant past. It’s like the horror of nonstop torture has started over. I’ve not given up trying, but I will readily admit that I’m giving out. My heart hurts, pounds, and wonders what else I can do about every other breath.
In the meantime, I’m trying to continue to tweak my spinal stimulation which I don’t think has been the same for awhile. I do think what I eat matters. However, I believe as long as I don’t digest excessive sugar or caffeine I’m fine. I’m back to keeping a close look at my daily activity from every step to every situation. No doubt that my lower back is staying very sore and even 10 hours sleep didn’t change that a bit. I know deep within God will sustain me.
Thank God I’m calmed at the moment. By calmed I mean don’t feel like I’m going to cry a river and don’t feel like I need a Valium. My calm inside would feel like most people’s chaos. I’ve learned how to deal with pain and unpredictable moments. However, when I don’t get a break for endless hours, days, and weeks it’s a much different story. God has met me at this desperate place before. I’m believing He will do it again in His perfect timing.
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2
I hear the words of a song my dad and I both used to sing. Except this time I can actually feel them. “Somebody’s praying I can feel it. Somebody’s praying for me. Mighty hands are guiding me to protect me from what I can’t see. Lord, I believe. Lord I believe. Somebody’s praying for me.”
Earlier I felt like I was pinned to the ground. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t make progress. No matter how much I tried to focus I couldn’t see forward. My body once again failed me. My mind once again thought I was drowning.
All through the night and day I was just trying to hold on to my sanity. Every now and then I would whisper a prayer for help. Then, came the mighty helper once again. He swooped in and ran away the hovering buzzards. He picked me up, cheered me up, and gave me the breakthrough I desperately needed. No, all my pain is not gone. But, thanks to the prayers of many God continues to breath life into my weary flesh.
“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” James 5:16
All night was full of tossing, turning, and constant anxiety. No question my system was easily bugged again. I believe it was the caffeine I attempted to consume. I simply drank two cups of coffee last night. And, I only drank half the amount of water I have been drinking daily.
I do have several praise reports. One, after a lot of water everything seemed flushed out of my system late this morning. Also, I was called by my primary doctor about my recent blood work. Absolutely nothing looked abnormal after testing. I’m extremely grateful for the good news after another rough night.
God knows I’m doing all I can in this constant bear fight. There’s no doubt that caffeine and processed sugar is at the top of things to avoid. However, to battle this nightmare you have to look at countless factors that can take you down. In the midst of it all, you have to keep finding reasons to give God praise!
“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18
My nerve pain is calmed down for now. Sadly the hours spent in the tub for relief festered other issues. Yet, I knew no other alternative to dialing things down. My feet and hands were both itching like crazy. Hopefully they have settled down.
It’s absolutely crazy all the ways I’m affected by this nerve damage. Muscle spasms in both legs and shoulders. Constant heat or ice on the lower back. Itching all over activated by water, sweat, or stress. Not able to function anywhere near my hopes and expectations. Limited whether sitting, standing, driving or laying down.
Hard to believe how one dysfunctional part of the body can cause all the others to suffer so much. The rest of your body tries to over compensate for the weakness. Next thing you know all parts are feeling weak. Trying to manage the root and catalyst of it all is like riding a wild bull. Finally going to be now.
“If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” 1 Corinthians 12:26
There’s no denying that numerous factors can set off this body full of brokenness. Back pain, spinal stimulation, sugar, coffee, lack of sleep, too much exercise, not enough exercise, stress, socializing, dealing with anything to be honest. All I know is I stay one degree away from boiling over most of the time. So all it takes is one of these things getting out of whack and my system starts crashing.
All I can do is study the signs and look for the signs of warning. There’s no use in kicking and screaming. I’ve got to learn how to live my best normal now. I coach and counsel myself from sun up to sun down. Everyday I consider how I can approach today more wisely than yesterday. I’m learning more everyday how to best walk through this pain.
Like someone having to learn how to walk again. Like someone having to accept they can’t walk at all like before. Like someone clueless, but willing to let God take them wherever He knows they should go. I’m having to return to a childlike faith. The kind of faith where you just take up your cross daily and follow Him. I can promise you that my faith will not be based on my feelings or circumstance.
“Then Jesus said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me.” Luke 9:23
It’s Thursday night and I’m feeling those same familiar vibrations I felt before. The ones that ultimately led to total breakdowns the past two weekends. I’ve started back guzzling water hoping to run out this poison if it’s possible. Now anyone vibrating from head toe could never say they are doing great. However, I do believe the past has prepared me to sustain the front of this potential hurricane.
Back in the tub I’ve gone which usually leads to countless hours of watching and praying. Past storms have held back the panic attacks so far. I know firsthand that nothing I face will keep me down forever. That regardless of what happens God will use it for my good and His glory. And that even when He doesn’t calm the storm He will always calm me.
Even with many past experiences satan always tries to rattle my cage. He longs to make me feel depressed, hopeless and defeated. He hates I’ve learned this battle belongs to the Lord. He hates that I’m learning most of his strategies. It’s ironic that his greatest attacks come every time I’m closest to my biggest breakthroughs.
“The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:14
Sitting here trying to finish up sermon preparation for Sunday. Early this morning I couldn’t have felt more confident and clear about things. I just knew God was feeding me life changing words to share. Throughout my day many things served as great distractions. It was like trying to focus on something while flies come at your face from every direction.
All day long I’ve had to keep rocking, moving, twisting and trying to sit comfortably. Seeking to dodge this pain is like being in the middle of a constant dodgeball game. I’ve used ice or heat countless times hour by hour. Once I got the pain bearable I was flooded with a vision fog I still can’t remove. I’m hoping to wrap things up, but I just keep running in place. My medications and condition make focus, clarity or confidence totally impossible.
In the past, I would just be saying what is going on with me. However, this has been going on week after week for three years and ten months. It blows my mind to even realize how long I’ve actually been dealing with such madness. It also reminds me how much only God has made anything possible. Somehow God has made the unbearable, bearable. He’s made the seemingly impossible, possible. Every time I feel like I’m going to drown God steps in and parts the Red Sea again.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:2)
You don’t look like you’re sick. I saw you smiling and laughing earlier. What’s wrong with your attitude? Seems like everything bothers you. You doing alright because you look much better? After awhile you don’t even feel like defending or explaining yourself.”
I know this is a frustration and reality for so many battling chronic pain. You feel no one else can see the depth of your pain. Your efforts to explain appear to have fallen on deaf ears. They forget what you said less than a minute later. You remember what you said every minute of everyday.
How do I know this you might wonder? I have and I do live this reality. I’m very uncomfortable in my own skin most days. I’ve concluded that I can’t expect anyone to truly understand something they’ve not personally experienced. After all, I never knew this kind of pain until it entered my body. Until I had to live with this constant thorn in the flesh. I didn’t understand a lot of things before now. So, in a sense it’s a gift of understanding that will help you encourage others who need your new understanding.
Listen! God sees your pain my friend. He hears your every prayer. He will take you through the most difficult days. He will always understand exactly what you feel, think or need at the moment. Cast all your cares upon Him.
“Jesus understands every weakness of ours, because he was tempted in every way that we are. But he did not sin! So whenever we are in need, we should come bravely before the throne of our merciful God. There we will be treated with undeserved kindness, and we will find help. Hebrews 4:15-16
This pain continues to force itself upon me. Nothing for feels easy anymore. The pain in my lower back surgical area feels as fresh as ever. The vibrations in my lower body are extreme. Just the least bit of stress takes me over the edge. Like it or not my body is shipwrecked.
I could easily say that’s fine and who cares. However, that would be the biggest lie ever. A big part of me is still fighting to fathom the severity of my condition. I just can’t wrap my head around living like this for years to come. In fact, all I can do is seek to swallow each day’s challenges.
Went to the doctor this morning to get blood work done. Hoping to see what might be going on inside my body. Due to all my weight loss my blood pressure is actually way too low. So, the doctor is taking me off my blood pressure meds. I’m sure my low blood press is not helping my energy level. My spirit is just zapped as my body continues to body slam my emotions.
I will not just lay here and let satan steal my life away. Gonna take my little Faith Walker to see the new Toy Story movie. With God’s strength I will be able to endure and smile. Sometimes, you can’t afford to keep waiting on things to change. You need to seize the moments that you can.
Jesus said, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:10
Yes, this message is just for you. You may not be the primary patient in that house. But, you love that person so much your pain can’t be measured. You pray and pray for them to be healed. You at least hope they find greater relief. God knows you are doing your best to be their greatest support system.
All the while you’re personally suffering so much. Tucked away is your own grief, disappointment, and life altering pain. No, you’re not at all trying to be selfish or take center stage. You’re just exhausted, heartbroken and bleeding emotionally inside. You feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Here’s a few things you must know my friend.
One, you are appreciated more than words can express. Just because it’s not always said it goes without saying the difference you make. Two, it’s okay to express your heartache and struggles. In fact, for this struggle not to take you totally down you’ve gotta process your pain with someone. Thirdly, take care of yourself. Do whatever you can to be healthy while you continue caring for that other unhealthy person. Never doubt God is always with you both. Words can’t express how much I love and value this woman who has chosen to stay by my side through it all.
(Isaiah 41:10)(NLT) Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Any prolonged suffering wears out it’s welcome quickly. Especially if it stares you in the face every direction. When you can’t just get over it. Instead, you must keep asking God to take you through it. Therefore, even with a very positive outlook nonstop pain changes you.
Chronic pain is a never ending battle. The longer it wears you down the more it tears you down. Sure, you can try to ignore it and cure it yourself. However, time proves you’re fighting a battle much bigger than you. A battle that requires you just keep taking the next faith led step. You can’t deny this pain demands your attention.
Ongoing pain disrupts your entire life. Physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually. It forces you to adjust your overall approach to life. It humbles you and lets you know only by God’s strength can you make it. You can’t always change it. God does want to use it to change you.
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
I need at least 8-9 hours of actual sleep per night for my best chance at a decent day. Generally I spend at least 10-12 hours daily in the bed asleep or awake. Often the only comfortable position is laying on my side. I wear a Fitbit Blaze to keep track of my sleeping patterns.
Periodically this must be adjusted by a professional. I daily look for signs of necessary adjustment. Nausea, racing heart beat and feeling strong unbearable vibes throughout my body can be over stimulation. Not having my stimulator on high enough leads to increase pains and honestly life is not bearable.
Every week I put together my medicine box. I have alarms set for three times a day. I take a few prescriptions, several supplements, and make sure I have emergency medications always on standby. I just carry a backpack with me everywhere I go so everything is with me.
Not supposed to sit longer than 30 minutes straight.
Nor supposed to stand longer than 30 minutes straight.
Any driving can put me in a fix very quickly. With heat steady on my back I’m good at best for a 30 minute consecutive drive. My wife always drives me whenever possible because it’s always such a risk.
Walking is critical to keep any movement in my lower back. If I can’t walk I seek to get to the pool. Either of these things are best to be kept to no more than 30 minutes to an hour. But, exercise must be planned and timed to keep me in balanced and going.
Before I walk out the door I have to do certain stretches due to my extreme stiffness. This is something I try to do a few times throughout the day anywhere.
HEAT & ICE
There has not been a day in a very long time that I’ve not used a heating pad or ice pack. I have every version available. Those for home and away. Heat is my best friend everyday. In general the temperature around me and on me always matters. Cold weather can wreck my entire nervous system.
I spent 90 percent of a 3 year period in the bath or bed. I’ve spent 7-8 hours straight in the tub many times. I spend on average 3-4 hours daily in the tub as the combo of the heat and positioning are my biggest bailout for relief.
WHAT I EAT
I try to eat any foods I can that are supposed to reduce inflammation. I’ve got to consistently stay away from foods that easily flair up nerves. Extra sugar or caffeine intake is a big issue. One poor decision can lead to an absolute day of torment. I’m just at the start of my learning in this area.
WHAT I DRINK
I’m now back to drinking only water daily. I drink at least half my body weight in ounces per day. It is critical I stay hydrated with all my skin and nerve issues.
My diagnosed dermatitis and dermographism are skin conditions related to my nerve damage. You can’t allow your skin to get very dry. Symptoms are flared up by too much water, stress, or high level nerve pain. I keep deep healing lotions near me at all times. Plus take morning and night prescription meds to contain it.
My chronic neurological condition forces me to proactively monitor stress. I only make so many intense appointments per day or week. I can’t spend long around toxic people. I just can’t deny that too high of stress levels makes everything go haywire.
LENGTH OF DAY
Typically I make sure that anything I’m doing is scheduled between 11am and 5pm. Any exceptions call for making other adjustments and literally getting in the bath between major appointments. Really anything more than 4-5 hours straight can cost me for days in extra pain.
LETTING GOD USE IT
For me sharing and writing are healthy. It’s then I know I’m being honest and giving God full use of it to be healthy. There’s never a time I pocket my pain because it never stops. Instead, I’ve embraced that God wants to use my pain to comfort others through their pain.
LEARNING & PRAYING
You can accept things for where they are while still believing God to take things further. I know I have permanent nerve damage throughout my body. So, I keep learning daily from research and others how to best deal with it. I also keep praying for God’s healing in God’s timing. I never give up on God because I know He will never give up on me.
I have to take things daily for energy and focus. Whether it be Mixed Greens Energy by GNC. Or I take something called GFuel. Both you just add to water and both work well. They are way healthier than any market energy drink.
Being positive is a mindset you must adopt. Sometimes it comes easy and other times it’s simply a discipline. No matter what I feel or face I purposely strive to find the good and God Stuff.
Daily I have to get over my pride. After all, who does like to sound like the wimpiest kid on the block. I strive to remain totally real with those inside and outside my home. It frees me to not feel I have to mask my pain or commit to things I know I’m not healthy enough to do.
Well, that’s just getting started on some of the physical and mental things I have to monitor due to my condition. No, you can’t change all your circumstances or condition. But, you can determine to do all that you can while trusting God for all you can’t.
I don’t have anything terrible to share with you today. However, I do believe some of what I will say most don’t want to hear. I really didn’t in my past days. I’m all ears now because reality has opened my eyes wide. My life has been disrupted by this painful truth. So, here it is my friends.
Many know this past weekend I had another complete neurological meltdown. Just like the many before it left me feeling like just a shell of myself. Fortunately, I did watch closely my life patterns, activity and eating habits in recent days. I was able to clearly detect that just back to back nights of a little extra sugar crashed my system. One time could have been considered coincidence, but it’s very rare that lightning strikes twice.
At that time, I was already watching portion control, eating healthier, drastically avoiding desserts, and only drinking lots of water daily. All I did was step out of those boundaries two nights for a cup of ice cream and a small milkshake. Yet, there is absolutely no denying that those few poor choices led to extreme neuropathy I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
So, here is what I know for certain. There is no denying that every choice we make matters. That what we eat or drink drastically affects our health. I believe it majorly affects both the quality and longevity of our lives. Now, I’m just in kindergarten of what I know to eat, drink and do to live differently. But, I’m thirsty for knowledge, understanding and life change.
I will keep learning all I can about this matter. Whatever truth I discover I will apply to my life. Plus, I will share what I learn to help others who really want to be and feel healthy. Crazy thing is all I’ve changed is what I eat and drink since Saturday’s meltdown. Here I am feeling ten times better than the alternative.
Discipline, prayer, continual life adjustments, application of truth and 13 1/2 hours total sleep last night have me right back on track. I will spend many days ahead learning how my body works best. And, I will scratch off my list anything that I know is harmful to my future. I pray you decide to do the same.
“I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but I will not be mastered by anything.” 1 Corinthians 6:12
Last Sunday and this past Saturday were two of my most painful days ever. Probably because they are my most recent days of complete torture. No I’ve never been kidnapped, homeless, beaten up by someone, or diagnosed with some terminal illness. I do know what it feels like to think your entire insides are being fried with no way to stop it. To hurt so bad for many hours and you would do almost anything for some relief. To cry so deeply you’re afraid your guts might leak out.
Most know that I have a severely nerve damaged body. Without warning I can feel like someone has thrown me into an electric chair. I deal with sharp tingling all the time in my lower body. However, it’s when I’m vibrating continuously from my feet to my face that I really do think I’m going insane. Two of my worst days like this have come back to back weekends.
How I preached back to back services today is an absolute tribute to God alone. I spent all evening crying out and working out my pain. With every tear toxins flooded out my body. I’ve only had two hours of sleep the past 28 hours and counting. If I didn’t know any better I would sincerely think I just got in a very bad car wreck. That I should be in the hospital with IVs full of pain medicine.
Now, I won’t bore you with any more details. Just understand my severe pain has proven to be a present life sentence of misery I never imagined possible. Doctors can only guess about solutions and man can only do so much. You can bank on the fact that if it can be done I’m seeking to do it. From how I eat, sleep, socialize, pray and process things I’m willing to do anything just to even reduce some of my pain.
Sadly, I believe I’ve reached a new level of awareness. This painful reality has given me a degree of PTSD. This painful reality has proven to be a daily war, not just an occasional episode. I’m far from giving up, but I’m officially broken. I thought I was there before, but this time I reached an all time low. I won’t quickly forget what I’ve endured and what I could endure at anytime.
I can promise you I’ve seen the light. Humbly, I realize I’m far from figuring things out. I will be do anything possible from this point forward to discover any possible solutions. I will eat as wisely as I can to decrease my neuropathy. I will get whatever bloodwork and testing man can provide. I will go to the best of the best doctors just to make sure there’s nothing more I can do. For once you’ve been totally broken you will come to your senses. You will be willing to do anything possible to ensure you’re headed towards hope and peace. God knows I’m willing to try and do whatever I can while trusting Him to do all I can’t.
“I was living quietly until he shattered me. He took me by the neck and broke me in pieces. Then he set me up as his target, and now his archers surround me. His arrows pierce me without mercy. The ground is wet with my blood. Again and again he smashes against me, charging at me like a warrior. I wear burlap to show my grief. My pride lies in the dust. My eyes are red with weeping; dark shadows circle my eyes. Yet I have done no wrong, and my prayer is pure.” (Job 16:12-17)
I can relate to the book of Job in so many ways. He felt like he couldn’t handle what suffering God was allowing. He said it’s too much. Lord why don’t you just take my life. In fact, why did you even let me born for such pain. His grief was constant and insane.
He suddenly lost all of his 7 children in one day. Which I can’t begin to fathom. However, when Satan was allowed to inflict extreme torment upon his own health he officially came unglued. He was having more than a routine nervous breakdown. He was actually thinking how much easier death would be than his pain.
His friends journeyed to his home to provide much needed support. Each of them were clueless of this man’s pain. They tried to preach to him when he just desperately needed a friend. They tried to shut him up when he just needed to process his deep, deep sorrow. They tried to blame him for his suffering instead of just praying with him.
Job felt so misunderstood and miserable. Yet, he never doubted God’s goodness and faithfulness. He did question why he ever deserved such heartache and pain. It was all Job could do to hold on. The only way he made it through his suffering was God took him through. He just kept his little hand in God’s big hand. It made all the difference as his suffering felt endless.
“Lying in bed, I think, ‘When will it be morning?’ But the night drags on, and I toss till dawn.” (Job 7:4)
Today’s Saturday officially became last week’s Sunday. My escalating nerve issues shook my insides hour by hour. This led to psychotic behavior and being someone who felt totally out of control. The longer things went on my anxiety level kept rising. I didn’t know how to stop this nightmare roller coaster.
Finally I reached such a panic point. I had to call my parents for prayer. I barely got through sharing the jest of how I was struggling and then the dam just broke. I became like a young child crying over his first major boo boo. I could barely speak and I couldn’t deny that built up toxins were flooding through my tears.
The only similar common denominator is sugar. Last weekend I ate a bunch of marshmallows two nights in a row and then my body absolutely crashed that third day. This weekend I ate ice cream two nights in a row followed by neuropathy soaring to unlivable heights. I’ve felt totally crazy and I’ve acted totally crazy. I can promise this battle is not just in my head. As meds kickoff just pray I can rest off this madness that is stealing every ounce of my joy.
“But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I cried to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears. 2 Samuel 22:7
I’m now some better than I was I believe. I’ve not really uttered many words out loud or got around anyone. I’ve just laid prayerfully still in my bed. I can still feel my heart racing. It’s like having a constant seizure internally when this stuff hits. I wish I could make sense of it more.
I’m just studying and studying how I will eat, drink and process things moving forward. I’m definitely leading towards whole foods. And I’m looking at all foods I should intake and all I should avoid. I’ve drastically changed so much, but it appears every change is so important. Basically I’m treating myself like I have severe diabetic neuropathy. I will discuss this much further with a physician and get current bloodwork.
I’ve literally drank 100 ounces of water in just a few hours. I just turned my stimulator back on. I switched it to come on once every hour instead of every 45 minutes. I truly don’t believe my stimulator was or is my greatest issue. All I can tell you is lots of water helps, diet matters, and all I can do is keep making adjustments.
I’m still very hopeful because there is so much more for me to learn about my condition. Whatever I discover I can do I will do. I will totally trust God with rest. And I will keep taking the next best step.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5
Warning: This is just me sharing the guts of where I am right now. Here I am again vibrating from feet to face. Fortunately and unfortunately this is familiar territory. My heart is racing and has been for a few hours. Last night was the only night I had anything with major sugar or caffeine. It was a small milkshake from Sonic and a medium Diet Coke from Wendy’s. I came home immediately and kept guzzling water like a horse to flush anything toxic out my body.
Last night I went to bed with some clear vibration in my legs. I didn’t feel it elsewhere, but I did feel a little on edge. I didn’t change my stimulator since it’s been helping me overall so much. Even though I just turned it off for just an hour or two I still don’t believe it’s the issue. On top of so many factors to watch my diet is now at the top of my list. I will finally meet with a nutritionist this coming Wednesday.
Sadly this is something that makes me an absolute mess and monster. The treble in my own voice shakes my very core. The sound of others’ voice and even footsteps sound louder in my head than I could ever explain. I simply can’t handle the smallest conversation and feel like I’m going crazy in the moment.
Even right now my heart is still pounding as I seek to process silently alone what is raging inside of me. My own wife has seen this many times, but it’s clear she can’t understand why I am so on edge. How things can change so quickly and leave me feeling like a crazy person. I’m afraid I’m dealing with a condition only God fully understands. Something only those who deal with a health issue that can’t be fully explained yet rocks their life continually beyond their control.
I don’t feel hopeless, but it does break my heart deeply. I hate this thorn in my flesh that interrupts my life daily. I hate not knowing what might happen next. I hate sitting here just waiting on this raging storm to settle. God knows if I didn’t have Him I would have committed myself somewhere. Somehow and someway God keeps carrying me through a form of torment I would never wish on anyone.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18
It’s been a great two days compared to the last many before. My spinal cord stimulator continues to provide consistent relief. My recent shot injection site has remained bearable. Even despite only 4 1/2 hours sleep last night I’m encouraged by what I’m feeling. Of course, I definitely need to get much better sleep tonight if my body is to keep healing.
As I continue to let God use my story I’ve noticed something. I’m still grieving deep inside the old me. More than ever I realize how much life changed with this God allowed life trauma experience. Yes, it’s okay to still shed a tear as reflecting back puts a lump in your throat. It’s in that moment someone else who is struggling realizes you understand life altering pain.
For me, I know I’m still learning, growing and feeling my way through each day. I no longer work for God. Instead, I choose to walk with God so He can work despite me. This fall taught me how to consistently humble myself before the Lord. To quit relying on my gut and truly put my trust in my God. While it might feel like I’m still falling apart each day. God has been picking me up and putting me back together daily.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6
What I’m about to say is not always the case. I do believe it’s the case for anyone married to an unselfish, unconditionally loving and very discerning women. This for sure describes the woman I’ve called my wife for nearly twenty three years. I may not always like or want to accept what she says about me. However, time has proven she is usually right.
You see, a good woman doesn’t just point out facts to hurt you. She has been given the ability to see through bologna and register danger. She has observed not only your actions, but your attitude. She has not just heard your words, but seen firsthand your consistent habits. She knows your strengths and your weaknesses. I wholeheartedly believe God handcrafted her to be both your perfect helpmate, compliment, encourager and humbler.
I must admit that the first half of my marriage I didn’t realize the wisdom I was married to. Thank God my wife stuck around for me to grow up and wise up. Now, I can’t imagine not asking my wife for her honest opinions. Whatever she says about me is most likely true. Whatever she warns me about should most likely be taken to heart.
Why? Because outside of God no one sees more and knows more about the real me. Not just the person outside the home, but inside. Fellows let me encourage you strongly to not ignore the honesty of your spouse. Because if she is anything like my wife her perception of you is typically right whether you want to accept the truth or not.
“Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Genesis 2:18
This week has felt like nothing but a blur of pain. I’ve spent day and night laying down as still as possible. Yet, I was still able to get much done with God’s help. I had to stay determined and focused to make any progress. Whether that meant working on my side or crawling to the next God-given assignment.
I’ve finally learned how to operate in a new gear. I’ve spent countless hours counseling people while lying on my side. I’ve put together ministry plans and connected with leaders all while being totally down myself. However, this evening was the first time I ever did all my Sunday message notes while soaking in a tub or lying on my side.
Honestly, I’ve really had no choice with my limitations. I just had to keep asking God to lead my heart and give me enough strength. It took the last 7 hours straight typing with one finger to finish up my Sunday sermon notes. I can promise you every word is God ordained.
All I did was keep doing all I could while asking God to do all I could not. I can promise you it was really hard to fight my medications fog, body pains, and the fact it took until 3am for me to finish. But, to God be the glory it is all finished. I do not take lightly the opportunities God has given me. I will always strive to give my best.
“He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:29-31
I can’t put into words how much today’s medical massage helped reduce my pain level. The lady that worked on me definitely specializes in unique cases like me. In just 30 minutes she reduced the pain near my injection site by fifty percent or more. I can now stand or walk without blinding pain. I’ve been beyond overjoyed ever since.
The crazy thing is I was hurting so bad that I was going to cancel this appointment. I knew there was no way the areas of pain could be helped right now. Nothing but rest and time would heal a thing. But, the rest of my body was so bound up from laying in bed since Monday. The therapist led by God delivered me so much relief.
I’m a big believer that some people are hired and others are called and gifted to do things. This lady was called, anointed and operating with clear vision. She registered the areas in bondage and freed every muscle she could. Before I got off the table I knew God had worked a miracle through her.
I’m now literally scheduled to see this therapist once a week for the next six months. This is something I must do if I’m going to reach my best new normal. I highly recommend Melinda at Total Wellness Medical Center in Summerville, SC. The great thing is they take most insurances. Four and half hours later I’m still feeling great and grateful.
“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 30:17
I’m committed to doing whatever I can to get healthier. I’m now getting a medical massage every week. I’m meeting with a nutritionist next week. I’m constantly drinking water and staying away from heavy amounts of caffeine or sugar. As soon as this shot brings me greater comfort I will start back my daily walking routine. Sadly it’s been over six months since I’ve been walking intentionally like before. I’m also back into reading God’s word more and praying specifically about things. I can feel it all working together.
I’m excited there are things I can do to improve my condition. I’ve found that my daily consistency of routine, diet, rest, exercise, mindset, prayer, bible reading, and respect of my condition always matter. You have to do your part while trusting God to always take care of you. Pray about it, process it, and keep making the necessary adjustments to deal with life’s challenges the best you can.
Yes, constant pain changes your life. No, you can’t do everything how you used to do it. But, don’t give up fighting for the best life you can have now. God will bless your persistent and purposeful efforts. Do what you can to improve your health physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually. God will prove His faithfulness.
“Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
I went to bed aching and woke up aching. The pain is making me very nauseous. Thank God my meds helped me sleep through the night. However, my pain was certainly my first and loudest alarm clock. My throbbing injection sight woke me up bright and early.
Just to walk twelve feet to the bathroom was tough. Waiting on my pain to settle down as I lay as still as possible. This bed of suffering is far from pleasurable. I continue to find myself struggling more than usual to cope. I believe it’s just because I’ve not had such a physical constant pain in awhile.
Focusing on the praiseworthy is still my greatest escape. My greatest pain appears to be only associated to this shot. Eventually it’s going to let up. That area is going to cease to be so sore. I can soon carry on with a greater level of living.
I’m just two hours away from it being 72 hours since I got my trigger injections. They say the average person only hurts this bad for 3 days and may just be a little sore for up to two weeks. I’m still confident better days are to come. I’m just very miserable with how I feel now. Lord, help me through as you always do. Calm my pain and my every anxiety associated with that pain. Help me to remember that greater days of pain relief will come because of this present painful shot.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:4-8
Not gonna lie about it. I’m pretty disappointed with my present pain level from this shot. I really thought I was ahead of things when I first woke up this morning. Now it’s constantly throbbing at the injection site. It’s only gotten progressively worse this afternoon and evening. Being a veteran of much greater pain I can’t believe how frustrated I’ve become.
Seems I easily forgot that these shots are always more painful than I expect. I know it was the best decision to get it. However, it looks like I’m going to have sit tight and rest more than I’m willing. To walk around at all takes my breath away. My legs feel so weak I guess just from such inflammation. Guess I’ll just keep living on ice.
It’s amazing how you think you’re on top of things. Then, the next thing you know life is on top of you. I can promise you I’ve certainly got a lot further to grow. In my faith, endurance, and for sure my patience. I can’t wait until my nighttime meds kick in. I’m certain I will feel completely different with some rest. I’ve not slept all day since waking up this morning at 8am. Praying for all who are battling and reading this right now.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
Things have not been easy today. It amazes me how one small area of my body can cause such issues. I’ve still got a major pain hangover from my recent shot. It hurts to stand, sit or walk around. I’m having to finally just lay down and hope to rest things off.
I’m continuing to ice the injection area every couple of hours. My tailbone pain has left my legs very weak. For four days straight I’ve drank at least half my body weight in water per day. That mixed with my stimulator running constantly has really made a difference in my overall nerve pain. Caffeine and sugar are definitely inflammatories that can’t be denied.
It’s only been two full days of recovery from this shot but my patience is running thin. There’s so much I need to get done. So many people calling for my help. Yet, my body keeps proving I’m just not able to deal with much. I especially can’t deal with any crisis intervention with the way my body is responding so far. It’s very hard to deal with the demands of being a pastor when I’m dealing with my own battles. Yet, somehow God keeps proving His grace is sufficient and strength is enough.
“Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
Slept the best I have in days last night. After nearly 8 hours sleep I feel so much stronger overall. The injection site is still sore, but better than yesterday. I’m very confident more relief will come soon. This is the only type shot that has proven to work for me given time. It can take up to two weeks to be rid of all shot soreness and experience the fullest relief. The past has proven its well worth the wait.
I’m starting to see a theme in my life. Pain often precedes my biggest breakthroughs. Of course, it never feels good at the time. Yet, it’s benefits are constant. Seasons of pain give you greater perspective, purpose, perseverance and ultimately much greater peace. You learn to appreciate the all things more as you see things much differently.
God I thank you for the pain that leads to great gain in my life. For pain that makes me decrease so you can increase. For pain that teaches me to appreciate my health, family, and ministry opportunities. For pain that compels me to pray and meditate on your word. Oh the benefits of pain are endless when placed in Your hands.
“Let all that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me.” Psalm 103:2
It’s been almost 34 hours since I got my trigger injections. Right now it feels like someone pulled a trigger and shot me multiple times. I’ve been laying in the bed constantly for the past 1 1/2 days. Still living on ice and trying to play my part as a good patient. However, there is a big difference between being a patient and having patience.
Of course, I don’t like to be limited by what I can’t do. However, every time I even walk a few steps the bed doesn’t sound so bad. As soon as I stand I’m quickly reminded why taking it easy is so important. So, here I am again heading to bed feeling like I’m trapped in my body. Yet, knowing that proper healing time will release me.
I’ve definitely learned in the past that you must respect your condition. You can’t ignore things that doctor’s have determined are very important for your health. No matter how determined you are the healing process still takes time. According to the law of averages I’m almost halfway done with the greatest soreness related to this shot. So, while I’m kicking and screaming within I’ve just got to continue to operate with great patience which will assist in my healing.
There is a ….”time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.” Ecclesiastes 3:3
It’s been a long time since I’ve pulled an all nighter. This is why I never nap during the day. Usually I hurt way too much to sleep anyway. But, I spent all of yesterday in the bed after getting my pain shot. I also took medications to make that sleep possible.
My body has been aching all throughout the night. I’m sure the pre-numbing medicine has finally worn off. I continue to ice every couple hours. I’m very uncomfortable, but nothing like I’ve been before. These times remind me of a lot of rough nights in days gone by.
When you’ve been hurting so long you would think your patience grows. However, seconds feel like hours when your body keeps throbbing in pain. You do grow in perseverance and in knowing this too shall pass. I’ve experienced God putting me back on solid ground many times. I fully expect to feel better soon. Especially if I can get some much needed rest. Guess I’ve just got to accept this 72 hour period of expected mood swings.
(Psalm 145:14)The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.
Well, I just finally got like my 17th pain injection in just the past few years. While I know the drill by heart it always brings a little anxiety. It also brings with it much pain the next couple days to follow. Based on other experiences I believe this coccyx shot went smoothly. I will say that getting several trigger injections near your tailbone is nothing I recommend for fun.
After 3 hours at pain management my wife brought me back home around 1pm. I’ve been laying in the bed, sleeping, and icing around the clock. On top of this temporary discomfort I’m still recovering from yesterday’s total body meltdown. Gladly my body tells me I’m on the right track.
One, this time I’m following every rule in the book for my after shot recovery. Two, my stimulator has been able to run constantly the past 33 hours with no sign of any obvious issue. Three, as I keep drinking lots of water many toxins appear to be running out my body. I’ve had no major sugar or any caffeine. My body is easily vibrating 50 percent less than yesterday and I’m less nauseous. I’m really encouraged by the progress and knowing there is something I can do about the pain.
Last, but certainly not least my mind and heart are growing in peace. Resting comfortably on my side I’ve out smarted the devil with God’s help. I’ve been so frustrated for awhile because I can’t just sit up or study like I used to do. Now, I’m just doing all my studying of God’s word and even sermon prep on my phone.
I’ve learned how to type pretty fast with just one finger over the past few years. I’ve started a detailed study of the book of Job which I’ve done before. But, there is still so much God is speaking to my heart. Every word digested blesses me with great peace. Peace I feel in my heart, faith, and family.
This Sunday morning was by far one of the hardest days of my life. No, I’m not exaggerating one bit. I cried harder and more than I can ever remember in one day. Before I ever preached the first service I thought I cried out everything. Then, to begin the second service I knew there were plenty more tears to flow. All I could do was be totally transparent about my condition. Hoping I would be given grace by all in attendance.
I could barely focus on the next word or scripture. Everything within me just wanted to fly away. There was no denying that I was a nervous wreck fighting not to humiliate myself. My entire body was vibrating all morning despite having turned my spinal stimulator off early this morning. Two days of throbbing and having my stimulator off so much had taken its toll. Every second I was begging God to keep me out of His way and hold me together.
After the second service was over I couldn’t pretend any longer. My legs were totally giving way and the tears couldn’t be stopped. Myself and the worship team met together for prayer after services. I was the only one that just couldn’t stand or utter any prayer out loud. Brokenness mixed with desperateness filled each heart. Next thing I know I’m crying so deeply it’s taking my very breath away. I’m talking the most gut wrenching crying I’ve ever done even over the death of the closest loved one.
Shortly afterwards I felt some breakthrough. Like toxins that needed to be flushed was every tear that rolled down my cheeks. We knew satan was bringing the heat to us all. We knew we couldn’t fight this battle in the flesh. This called for bold and believing prayer that moves mountains. I’m not going to lie the battle was a living Hell.
I’ve spent two days straight not able to figure out how I’m being over stimulated. Even if I kept the unit off over five hours my body continued to vibrate from feet to face with severe neuropathy. The only thing I could discover is how I ate a bunch of marshmallows and graham crackers the past two nights. Sounds small, but I’ve discovered in the past that any significant intake of sugar or caffeine can create havoc with my condition. Add to this that on Sunday mornings alone I drink the equivalent of 4-5 small cups of coffee. I believe it was the ingredients for disaster.
So, after crying my eyes out I turned my stimulator back on. Then, I began drinking as much water as possible throughout the day. I’m sure I’ve drank 1 1/2 gallons hoping to flush what I can out my system. By God’s grace alone I’ve been able to endure Father’s Day. I felt more closeness and appreciation from my boys than in any years past.
Tomorrow morning I get my pain shot bright and early. I’m praying hard it gives me some relief of this coccyx pain. Also, I will be drinking nothing but lots of water for the next many days to come. Also, just as I ate literally no sweets today you can bet I won’t be doing so anytime soon. I will not forget this day of torture for quite awhile. It definitely matched my worst ever pain. And, I want forget the smiles that happened with my boys despite the earlier storm. Now, my body just desperately needs rest as my Fitbit says I only got two hours of actual sleep last night.
“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.” Psalm 127:3
Been up since 3am which is not good with my condition. Got around 4 hours of sleep which is better than nothing. Laying on my side my spinal cord stimulator has me comfortable. And a heating pad has proven to be my latest best friend. So glad it’s summertime because the outside temperature doesn’t affect me greatly.
About to get up and do something I’ve not done in awhile. I’m gonna go eat breakfast at the Waffle House. Several years ago this was something I did practically every Sunday morning as I went over my sermon. Sadly I can’t sit anywhere like that too long anymore. Just don’t know how my back will respond.
But, I figure it’s worth a try for this creature of habit. Probably will eat the All Star Special. Drink a cup or two of coffee. Put the finishing touches on a God led message. Then, let go and trust God for an amazing day. Please keep me in your prayers and know I’m praying for you.
“Oh, that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!” And God granted him his request.” (1 Chronicles 4:10)(NLT)
Not going to lie I’ve felt miserable most of the day. Had to keep my stimulator off more than five hours straight because my body would not stop vibrating. It never has stopped shaking me inside from my feet to my face. I had to turn the unit back on around 3 hours ago because the rest of me has just gotten so sore with it off.
Sadly, I have no idea why the vibration has continued after so long with it off. I’m running it on the absolute lowest setting I can for now. The longer it has gone on the more my anxiety has risen. Its been a long 12 ours of just waiting for my body to get back in rhythm.
The day before Sunday never helps my nerve pain when things get this complicated. I’ve just been taking things hour by hour trying to keep going. Took my youngest son to the park for an hour which he enjoyed. And, most important to me is that no one else’s day has been ruined by my pain today.
Despite my misery, I thank God. For helping me keep things mentally together. For a wife that gracefully cares for me. And for some extra meds that should ensure I at least get some sleep. It’s just a tough day and tomorrow could be entirely different. Especially if this stimulator can keep running and I get some quality rest.
“From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” Psalm 113:3
When I hear those words they resonate as good and bad. Clearly, I’m not who I used to be physically speaking. I can’t handle but a small portion of what I used to be able to do. However, daily God is radically changing my heart and perspective for the better. If I’ve learned anything it’s that life is certainly not all about me.
For the past 1360 days God has been stripping down the man I used to be. Letting me know that life can go on without me. He just chooses to use me any way He pleases. Letting me know that being a pastor is not about me doing all the work. Instead, it’s about raising up an army of believers that are serious about God’s work. God has shown me that deep pain is a purposeful gift. One that’s not easy to swallow, but clearly a platform for God’s glory to be revealed.
Now, I believe I’m past the deepest grieving season of swallowing my new normal. For sure this spiritual and physical makeover has been tough. Yet, there is no denying God has my full attention more than ever before. I know more how to depend on God instead of just referencing Him. I truly know apart from Jesus I’m nothing and can do nothing.
Jesus said, “I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
There used to be a time when I could easily just step away to meet with God. I would just head out my house and find some quiet place to hear God’s voice. There was no distance I wasn’t willing to drive. No sacrifice I was not willing to make early or late to just give God my undivided attention. Now, I’m fighting to come up with a new approach to remove distractions. However, it’s not because I’m not willing to do whatever it takes.
Sadly, my nerve wrecked body won’t allow me to just get in the car and drive any distance. I could do so, but I would be consumed with double my pain once I reached my destination. There’s hardly any place I can sit inside or outside my house with great comfort. Not long ago, we bought new furniture with my back issues in mind. Even still, I fight constantly to find a seating position that allows me to not just feel constant discomfort. Even my spinal cord stimulator that helps with my nerve condition fails me often. Even as I write this I’ve had to shut it off due to over stimulation.
Fortunately, God knows my heart, thoughts and every desire. I know satan will do everything he can to distract and discourage me. I’m not going to stop running towards God. I will keep seeking to remove every hindrance. From taking walks, rising early, using special chairs, staying in the tub, laying on heating pads, to seizing every moment of clarity I can find. I even limit my time on social media, interaction with others, and put my phone on silence several times throughout the day. Bottom line is I’ve got to do whatever it takes because nothing matters more than hearing God’s voice and seeking God’s will. I’m desperate for His presence, His peace, and His direction.
“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?” Psalm 42:1-2)
In your head it’s just hurting right now. It will get better soon you say to yourself. However, it’s been like this many days for a long time. You want to think it’s just a season. When really it’s a major pain part of your life for a reason.
Laying endless hours in your bed gives you lots of time to think. Sometimes that’s good and often that’s bad. It’s good to process things and digest your reality. It’s hard to ignore your pain and deny your painful reality that never stops. That’s why they call it chronic.
Your pain may be mild, moderate, to severe. However, unless you’re totally out of it you rarely can say it’s nonexistent. Trust me I know all about chronic pain because I live with it. I wake up feeling crippled by it. I live life being hindered by it. I go to bed extremely bothered by it.
For me, I’ve had to just trust God with its purpose. I keep doing everything I can to not wallow in my pain, but work through it. Of course, during the severe times it just works on you. Sometimes all you can do is say you’re holding on to the hand of Jesus. Most comforting is simply knowing He is holding on to you.
“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
Tonight marked the beginning of something God had in mine before I was ever born. After a few long years of pain and processing it was time. God made the weather perfect. Several days of rain mixed with partly cloudy skies created a cool breeze. Underneath that gazebo were those battling chronic pain, illness, and autoimmune diseases.
Each of us shared what brought us there together. With each word spoken we discovered no one was walking alone. We all represented those with high mileage down rough roads. Discussed were accidents and diseases that took us all by surprise at one time. How after surgeries, medications, treatments and countless days of anxiety we were finally out of denial. Therefore, we are learning how to live our best now while embracing our new normal.
This monthly support group will meet every third Thursday 6:30pm at the Colleton Medical Walking Park. It will be a safe place for people to process their pain. It will be an encouraging place for those who need to find hope. We will address how pain affects someone physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and for sure spiritually. We will also look at how with God’s help we can overcome these challenges.
Tonight I go to bed with peace in my heart. Knowing I’ve taken this first step of obedience to God. He simply called me to bring together others who need compassion, understanding, and encouragement in their darkest moments. We will each be comforted by one another. We will each make sure others have a place of comfort when they need it most.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
My heart has finally settling down some. For awhile I thought it might jump out my chest. I simply have no idea why this unit is randomly doing this to me all of sudden. It’s done so well for so long. I’ve learned so much about how to best use it. Now I’m just at a wait and see point.
Finally, I turned my stimulator back on. It will only be on for 30 seconds per hour. Where as before it was set to come on for 30 seconds every 15 minutes. Right now everything I’m having to do with this man made device is far from common. I’m on an island that even my adjustment technicians have no experience of doing things this way. I told them I’ve always been abnormal.
I’m back out of the tub for the second time tonight. Having to just lay on my side and be still as possible. Keeping constant heat on the tailbone area. The countless tears I shed were like releasing toxins. I feel like someone after they’ve thrown up everything possible.
I’m heading to bed so thankful for a wife that tucks me in gently nightly. She holds my hand and just assures me we’re in this journey together. Her very presence pipelines God’s very peace to my soul. I keep letting her know this is not over by any means. We’re just in another season of great spiritual war. Goodnight!
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
Over the past few years I’ve actually had several people say “all you do is talk about your pain.” As I told a told a very dear senior citizen lady a long time ago “that’s because I’m always in pain.” Truth is I started my faith walking page so I could continue to process my pain out loud. I realize not everyone wants to hear about my painful journey. Anyone that can’t stand to hear about it is welcomed to unfollow this page any time.
Now, the truth is I don’t always just talk about my pain. I do purposely choose to write while I’m in the midst of the heaviest pain. Why? Because it’s when I’m most in tuned to my humanity. Why? Because it’s when I can most identify with other people’s pain. Why? Because I refuse to waste this agony that I know God has allowed for greater purpose.
Truth is this page wouldn’t even exist if not for my pain. Without the pain I wouldn’t feel the least compelled to write. I write because my pain has birthed a depth of compassion I can’t explain. My pain has forced a level of God reliance that before simply wasn’t possible. So, I write in the pain because I must learn how to praise Jesus even in the midst of the pain. I pray somehow that you won’t just see my pain, but see the God who proves His faithfulness despite my nonstop pain.
“Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world. 1 Peter 4:12-13
My body will not quit vibrating so I’ve had to take an emergency Valium. It’s been continuous even an 1 1/2 hours after shutting off my stimulator. It really stinks in every way. I know it will pass eventually, but it’s got me rattled to my very core once more. I’m being shaken constantly inside like I’m on a bad fair ride that just won’t stop.
When I tell you I never saw this coming that’s an understatement. Satan is trying to make me do more than just throw up. He wants me to feel like I’ve made no progress. He wants me to just give up trying. He wants me to be discouraged, depressed, and destroyed. Sorry satan but I know your tricks all too well.
Tears are rolling down my face once more like they haven’t done since last Thursday. I’m heartbroken, but more just disappointed. Usually this just means I’m overdue for another good cry. After all, God did create every tear that falls from our eyes. If Jesus wept I do believe we have permission to express these heartfelt emotions as well.
“Jesus Wept.” John 11:35
Every night lately I’ve been reminded just why God is leading me to do this Chronic Pain support group. I understand this roller coaster called pain. I know what it feels like to feel so hopeful one minute and hopeless the next. To feel somewhat normal one second and then on the verge of insanity the next.
Right this very moment my entire body is vibrating from my spinal cord stimulator. Unfortunately, I’ve had to turn it totally off once again. The feeling of electricity throughout my body is crazy. I couldn’t bare to even hear my dog drink water out of her dish. With every slurp my body felt on fire as pulses ran from my feet to face. I can’t bare someone to even walk anywhere in the house. I don’t even have a shot at sitting comfortably right now.
If I hadn’t experienced this so many times I wouldn’t believe it. In fact, I would think you were crazy if you made up such stuff. I just spent 3 hours straight in the bathtub for relief. Now, it appears I’m headed right back there. Inside, my tolerance and patience level is wearing thin. However, I know that no amount of kicking and screaming will change a thing. Thank God I do know eventually my nighttime meds will kick in.
How could this be happening to me is still a frequent thought? Why did this happen is not a question that runs very often through my mind. I know God wants to use this pain as a platform. I know I’ve got to help the countless others who are barely holding on to their sanity due to their roller coaster pain. I hate the way I feel, but I love the purpose of the pain.
As my heart continues to race one more time. As my blood pressure seems to sore. As my body continues to vibrate. There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I do plan to see what God can do with it.
I’ve been planning for over two years for this Thursday night’s support group. God has had me in boot camp for severe pain management the past three years and nine months. I’m very clear on the vision God has given me for this group. Anyone attending won’t be disappointed if they can identify with these roller coaster emotions. You will leave encouraged.
After a couple weeks of dealing with this tailbone (coccyx) pain there’s light in front of me. Got a call from pain management that I will be given a shot this coming Monday at 8:30am. After having things rejected by insurance this past Monday there was no way this could be approved anytime soon. That’s when God stepped in and changed things. I told them I would show up at 4am if they were available. God has heard our prayers and I believe much relief is to come.
This phone came at the same time my stimulator started over stimulating me. Thank God I was able to turn it to a lower dose setting that has calmed my nerves back down. The good news of this shot has soothed my heart and mind. I’ve been sitting a lot on an inflatable donut to bear with this (coccyx) Pain. It’s a little embarrassing, but the alternative pain helps you get over any pride.
If you’re suffering from severe pain at the base of your spine, a coccygeal nerve block could help. A coccygeal nerve block is a minimally invasive treatment approach for chronic pain in the lower back, specifically in the tailbone area. This area is also known as the coccyx. I would also highly recommend using this pink heavy duty donut for some sitting relief. It says on the box “for coccyx injuries.” It’s very easy to inflate and deflate. Holds up to 300 pounds.
“I took my troubles to the LORD; I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer.” Psalm 120:1
Lord I’m doing my best to listen for your voice. In the midst of the madness I know you’re at work. You’re calling loudly for my attention. You’re telling me to “be still and know that you are God.” You’re asking me to give up the fight and let you fight for me.
The pain is still blinding at times. The struggle inside is still so strong. Prayer and meditation don’t come easy. Fear of what the future might hold keeps running through my mind. Not seeing things drastically change makes it hard to believe at times.
Yet, I can count my present blessings all day long. I look back and see your faithfulness through all my years. I know worry changes nothing and prayer changes everything. Never have you led me astray before. So, I choose to trust you fully now. Lead me through the pain towards your greater purpose. Do it all for your glory. Exactly as it in Heaven above
“I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.” Psalm 77:11
Those who battle chronic pain are my tribe. I deeply understand your frustrations, heartaches and fears. The past few years of my life have felt like a nightmare after a major accident drastically changed my life. In fact, apart from my faith and support system there’s no telling where my life could be headed.
I’ve survived the shock that doctor’s say my nerve damage throughout my body is permanent. Over 700 pages of medicals full of scans, evaluations, rehab, shots, surgeries, medicines and a spinal cord stimulator prove there’s nothing more man can do. I’ve spent countless hours grieving my new normal. The guilt of how my pain affects others can’t be measured. I’ve begged God for total healing. I’ve got my hopes up many times only to be very let down.
However, all is not lost in this bed of constant discomfort. God revealed very early on this pain has great purpose. One, it’s being used to grow and develop me. Two, it’s being used to encourage others who feel hopeless and miserable. I’m happy to tell you encouragement and hope are headed to Walterboro, SC. We all need some “Jesus with skin.”
Every 3rd Thursday 6pm at Refuge Church (203 Eddie Chasteen Dr) you will find support. Whether you battle major chronic pain, chronic illness or some autoimmune disease. This is a place just for you. You won’t be judged, nor will your struggle be belittled. It will simply be a safe place to share your pain and be encouraged by others who truly understand ongoing pain.
I know it will be a mutual time of encouragement for all of us. You will find Christlike Compassion, Accountability, Relationships, & Encouragement that will help elevate your faith despite your struggles. I pray you join us if you can as we will meet together once a month.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any further questions.
Earlier I spent a long time on the phone with my current pain specialist office. You know the ones that could make me go crazy any minute. It won’t be until July until I can see my new pain management doctor. Until then I’ve got to do all I can get this much needed injection approved. Insurance has denied my request but it’s only because this office has not requested things properly. So, here it is being requested again leaving another week to wait and see.
Therefore, I have another week of asking God to give me patience. This tailbone pain has been constantly throbbing all day long. Keeping me very uncomfortable and making it very hard to stay focused. I’m doing everything I can from hours in the tub, laying on my side, and only necessary medications. I’ve been in these tough waiting seasons before so I know it won’t last forever.
I’m telling you if this lowest spine nerve pain was just cut in half I would be on cloud nine. My stimulator is doing a great job. Isn’t it amazing how just one small part of your body can hinder the rest. All this is just reminding me how important this week’s upcoming chronic pain support group will be for those struggling.
“But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” Hebrews 3:13
Today was another God made day. I woke up early feeling as strong I can remember in awhile. I was energized to preach God’s word to two full services of worshippers. The first service I preached standing up for the first time in over six months. I just felt as close to normal as I’ve known in a long time. Shortly after the early service reality hit.
Suddenly, I was reminded that my body is still broken. So, I had to sit down to preach the next service. Apart from my legs feeling heavy I still felt so blessed. My spinal cord stimulator has been nothing short of wonderful. It’s covering all of my pain in my lower back surgical area and keeping my nerves under control.
All that’s left is this aching coccyx or tailbone pain. I’m dealing with constant throbbing sitting or standing any time. I’m certainly praying I get approval for another shot this week. This tailbone pain is enough to keep me on edge. But, I’m not anything compared to recent days. Often you have to experience great struggles to appreciate just a normal, uneventful day. Hopefully my stimulator continues to show such consistency as I wait for God to schedule me this pain shot.
“But those who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
Today has been nothing short of a God made day. From the great night sleep God allowed. To waking up feeling stronger than I have in well over a week. Two days ago I wondered if I could even attend my son’s graduation. Yesterday I went to bed just hoping I could endure the long day ahead and possibly smile.
God took things way further than I could ever imagine. Outside of being extremely uncomfortable sitting in the gymnasium bleachers I literally smiled all day. I was able to focus on my son and not just my pain. I was able to proudly enjoy watching him receive his high school diploma. I thought the entire graduation ceremony was one of the best I’ve ever attended.
After 2 1/2 hours of graduation I rushed home to get in the bathtub for relief. Two hours later I was headed out for Joel’s graduation party. It was a wonderful time with family and friends. I sincerely enjoyed every minute of it. I’ve now spent the entire evening in the tub, but I’m doing absolutely wonderful.
Yesterday’s drastic spinal cord stimulator adjustment has been working amazing and I pray it continues. But, there’s no way God didn’t have the most to do with this God made day. Thanks for every prayer uttered on my behalf.
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20)
Well, there’s no denying how much my stimulator helps me overall. This time it was off for fifteen hours before they switched it back on. Not having it on has practically drained everything out of me. My entire body head to toe just feels depleted of all strength, pain relief and energy. When I got off the medical table earlier it took everything I had just to walk to my car.
However, I’m hopeful that will change with this spinal stimulator adjustment. First, it takes time for the pain relief in my nerves to return back to normal due to the unit being off so long. It’s something that has to build up over a few day period and even up to two weeks. In order to not be easily over stimulated again they’ve drastically reduced the time the unit will actually be running inside me. For example instead of it running every 8 minutes for 30 seconds it will now run for 30 seconds every 15 minutes.
They’ve also put new settings on my controller where I can increase that gap even more. Letting it just turn on every 30 minutes, 45 minutes or only every hour is now possible. So, I’m hopeful time will show me the best setting.
The biggest thing is it can be adjusted and I can keep using it. I can’t have much quality of life without it so its critical we get this stimulation back in rhythm. I have a strong peace about where this is headed. It’s just for now I feel like a car on the side of the road that is totally out of gas. But, with rest and this stimulation things can change quickly. In fact, I’m believing God they will change.
“Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
My body never hurt any worse than it did last night. I went to bed barely able to move. My wife had to help me to bed like I had just had major surgery. The tears rolled without my permission. All I could do was keep silently saying “Lord please give me a break from this agony.”
I had no choice but to ask everyone for prayer. I also reached out to some prayer warriors from my church. Their prayers came through to me via text messages. My parents assured me they were on their knees. There were no signs of the strong medications I had taken allowing me to rest. I knew my body was beat up and exhausted like someone who had been beaten to a pulp.
I barely slept a second over 6 hours any given night the past five nights. Finally, last night according to my Fitbit I drifted out a little past midnight. I literally slept nearly 8 hours straight without waking up for any reason. While I’m still very sore I’m nothing like I was last night. And that’s with having my spinal cord stimulator off for the past 12 hours straight. I literally had to check myself to believe it.
I still feel strong vibrations in both legs and feet. I’m still extremely sensitive to sudden sounds or movement. However, I’m sitting here much calmer. Praying now that at 11am my technician can figure out why my stimulator is not working like normal. Thanks for all your prayers!
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16
This is my 11th blog post in just 4 days. That usually only means one thing. It’s been a very painful week. The good moments I can easily count on one hand. I’ve tried my absolute best to keep my composure and keep the faith. Yet, pain of this magnitude breaks you down in every way imaginable. This is by far the worst I’ve felt in almost a year.
The medications I’ve taken are starting to kick in and calm me. But, I’m not okay at all with my situation. I’ve given every ounce of my being towards getting better. I know without a doubt that I’ve made huge improvements. However, my heart hurts so much. Not just for myself, but how much this affects other people.
My wife doesn’t deserve this life sentence. My kids shouldn’t have to watch their day suffer so much. My church needs someone there for them. Not them having to worry about me. It just stinks and in many ways shatters my dreams. I know God is using the pain, but it’s just such a painful process. A process I trust God with as my heart bleeds daily.
Please forgive my honesty and don’t doubt my faith. I’m just letting you know that it doesn’t matter if you’re a pastor or the president. Without Jesus this life is just too much. I’ve been in over my head in sorrow, grief, and pain for awhile. I just know I’m not in this boat alone. Jesus is still there. If not I would have long ago been drowning myself in whatever drugs I could get my hands on. Goodnight!
“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
I feel like nobody understands me. My body stills feels like it’s on fire inside. Add on top of that aching flu like symptoms. Add to that every fiber of my lower back, tailbone, hips and legs throbbing with pain. Having to shut this unit off so long has taken a huge toll on my body. Trying to turn it back on earlier for a few hours is still costing me.
You’re talking about something that works in tandem with my entire nervous system. Somehow it’s been regulating things to make me feel normal many days in the past. Suddenly it’s now causing me additional pain. Not to mention it’s allowing all my old pain to come flooding back. It’s like I’ve been in a new accident I can’t recall.
Right now I feel so chemically imbalanced. I can’t handle even a basic conversation. I can’t just walk around without much severe pain. I can hardly take a breath that doesn’t feel like a chore. While my wife has observed similar behavior many times I know she can’t even fathom what’s actually going on inside of me.
The truth is I can’t even make sense of it all. I just feel it and know it’s not in my imagination. The nerve wreckage within me right now just feels like a tidal wave. All I can do once again is wait on relief. I wish to God I had more answers than I do. My blood pressure feels sky high so I will actually check that right now.
“Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak. Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony.” Psalm 6:2
Let’s see where do I begin with this one. Most of you know that I’ve had to turn my stimulator off at least six times this week alone. I’ve never turned it off more than once any week over the last two years. Yet, it continues to fry me from within and had to be shut off. Typically they suggest you flip it off for one more than 2-3 hours then turn it back on.
Well, last night it got so bad I turned it off for much longer. In fact, I kept it off for nearly 18 hours. Then, around 3pm today I suddenly got very nauseous. Also, I could tell my pain was flooding back into my legs and lower back. Less than 3 hours later I was being over stimulated again. My legs and feet are still constantly vibrating from the device. I knew I had to turn it off again and pray I could get this thing adjusted as soon as possible.
I reached out to my stimulator technician who stays very busy. I begged for her to see if she could get anyone to meet me tomorrow for an adjustment in Charleston. I told her one of my boys graduates from High School Saturday morning and I’m praying I don’t ruin his day. Thank God she gave me a last minute appointment for 11am tomorrow. Please join me in praying she can adjust this thing so I can keep my nerve pain under control. Until then it will have to stay off and I will be a little more uncomfortable than I prefer. It’s been quite a week on this three ring circus. The devil is looking for every way he can to take me down.
“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:8
Pain never comes at a welcoming time. It interrupts your life when you least expect it. Severe pain demands your respect and must be addressed. There’s certainly no need to mask it when others can see it pouring out of you. It has certainly knocked down my walls of pride many times. .
Now, I’m a veteran patient and I seek to learn everything I can about my condition daily. However, I’m still a very fragile child of God when things get this bad. I’m desperately looking for light at the end of this tunnel. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve been at this point before.Once again, I’m desperate for divine intervention.
Only God knows His reasons for allowing this suffering. Only God knows how I’m going to make it from one day to the next. Only God holds me together and helps me through such blurry valleys. I can hardly see through the windshield, but I’m believing God can see beyond it all. I have no confidence in what I can do. I’m just trusting fully in what only God can do.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God…..” Psalm 46:10
Sunday’s message must be something amazing. I’m sitting here seeking to let God feed me His life changing word. I’m literally blinded by the nonstop misery in my body. Instead of things decreasing the past 1 1/2 hours my misery has escalated. It’s frightening, miserable and intolerable wrapped all together. My greatest hope is for my night time meds to put me to sleep very soon.
I literally feel like I can’t move myself. Anything said or done around me keeps triggering me into orbit. Writing this somehow gives me a little calm. I’m just hoping for God to use my misery for something more and than my misery. While I desperately need prayer I’m not looking for pity.
This is just my life right now. Thinking about is very draining. Dealing with it feels impossible much of the time. Somehow God holds me together and gives me reason to hope forward. I know without the struggle I’m not writing. I know without the struggle I have no understanding, comfort and compassion for others. I hate beyond words this torture, but I long for God’s will over my very comfort. I’m tempted daily to give up this fight, but somehow God keeps me going.
“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28
“Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak!” Matthew 26:41
I absolutely hate it, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve now had to turn off my spinal stimulator completely for the second time today. Being over stimulated is like putting me in an electric chair. It makes me feel terrible and like I’m going crazy. Focusing is impossible and everything puts me on edge.
There’s no denying the stimulator is the source of my present greatest issues. Usually about an hour after turning it off I’m no longer vibrating continuously. I can’t believe the very thing I need for pain relief is bringing me additional crazy discomfort. However, shutting it off concerns me greatly. Seriously, the last time I shut the unit off for an entire day it turned me into just a puddle of emotion. I started crying uncontrollably at my counselor’s office.
All I can do is wait and see what happens. I have no doubt that if I choose to leave it off all night I will barely be able to move in the morning. Pain I forgot even existed will come rushing back. Yet, if I don’t leave it off for several hours I will go crazy from it’s over stimulating pulses. I have no idea what’s going on right now as I’ve tried everything I know. I know it’s a man made device, but this man relies heavily on this stimulator working properly. Please keep me in your prayers as I will keep you in mine.
“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” Romans 8:26
Turned my spinal stimulator off for the second time today. There’s no doubting that I’ve been very over stimulated. Electrical pulses have been running throughout my body. Any sound or movement around me can trigger me to feelings of insanity. It’s like I’ve swallowed a metal detector and metal is everywhere.
I know it sounds crazy to anyone else. But, here are a few things that have made my nervous system go haywire. My wife closing up a bag of chips shot electrical waves instantly from my feet to my face. My dog or a family member just walking by me sends me into orbit. Believe or not, the vibration of my own voice can make my entire nervous system light up in agony within seconds.
While I’m not panicking I have no idea how to fix this current problem. I desperately need that stimulator for any quality of life. However, the over stimulation sucks all the life out of me. I’ve got to get this unit back on track. I can’t afford to leave it off too long. It doesn’t take long to lose the pain relief that took a couple weeks to build. All I can do is keep trusting God with every step of this painful journey.
“I call on the LORD in my distress, and he answers me.” Psalm 120:1