FAITH WALKING Category
You Would Do Anything
Posted on June 6, 2018 Leave a Comment
I knew that hours after today’s events I would experience much misery. My skin is crawling from head to toe. Feels like piercing ice running through my veins and I’m itching all over. This stuff makes you feel so nauseous and miserable by the second. Makes it really tough to just ignore and not want […]
Weak Body, Willing Spirit
Posted on June 6, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well, I’m finally home after a very long day. I endured 3 hours on the road and 3 hours of intense stress to my body. I felt like I was doing exercises that most senior citizens could easily do. However, to me they all came with some degree of difficulty and discomfort. That’s what happens […]
A Very Very Tough Day Ahead
Posted on June 6, 2018 Leave a Comment
I won’t get into all the details on here as to all that I’ve gone through over the past 2 1/2 years. I will say that there is nothing worse than when you already feel really bad having to deal with lots of daily unnecessary stress. Today is another one of those days for me […]
Toughest Time Of My Life
Posted on June 6, 2018 2 Comments
My body feels like it must be at least 40 years older than my actual age. I’ll be the first to admit that I used to joke about the Life Alert commercial all the time. You know the one that has someone lying on the floor saying “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” […]
You’ve Been So Faithful
Posted on June 5, 2018 Leave a Comment
In the midst of extreme adversity it’s real easy to get caught up in your emotions. In life’s toughest moments you can easily feel like things are falling apart. That your life has never been worse. That you will never get through whatever trial you’re presently facing. Trust me, I know because I feel all […]
Desperate For Refuge
Posted on June 5, 2018 Leave a Comment
Deep inside I’m just flat exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually I’m running on fumes. You see, I don’t think you can separate these areas. All of you matters to God and contributes to one’s overall health. Just the fact that I’ve only slept a few hours the past two nights has enough potential […]
I Need You To Pick Me Up
Posted on June 4, 2018 Leave a Comment
I would love to tell you that I’m strong and I’ve got it all together. However, that would be one of the biggest lies on the planet. I’ve never felt weaker than I do right now. I’m exhausted, bruised, and very broken. Just to be in my own skin is more than overwhelming. I need […]
Not Feeling Well
Posted on June 3, 2018 Leave a Comment
Around 10:30pm Saturday night and I’m hoping to get to sleep soon. While I’ve done absolutely nothing all day I don’t feel well at all. My lower back is aching, my legs are extremely weak, and I feel very nauseous. I certainly hope my my stimulator is not over stimulating me. I’ve already got it […]
Sick And Lonely
Posted on June 3, 2018 Leave a Comment
Anyone who truly knows me knows that I’m an extreme extrovert. I rarely meet a stranger and love interacting with people. I still do enjoy the fellowship of others. However, my health has really separated me from so many. Other than Sunday morning church I typically never go anywhere with anyone. It gets lonely when […]
Skin Breakouts
Posted on June 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
Here are some pics of yesterday’s breakouts. They are there one minute and gone the next. They come in about every shape and fashion. Sometime I see lines, patches, dots, rarely circle, a have covered the inside of my hands with burning red many times. Folks you name it and I’ve got it. Feet, hands, legs, […]
Finally Some Major Sleep
Posted on June 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
When I tell you my body is just flat exhausted I am not joking. I just finished sleeping almost 12 hours and I still feel like I could sleep the rest of the day. My legs still feel completely shot and don’t want to even be moved. Both legs are presently vibrating inside. Thank you […]
Stuck In A Rut
Posted on June 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
None of it happens overnight. It’s a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Next thing you know you just feel stuck. You might not be rolling backwards, but you’re no longer moving forward. You know something needs to change, but you’re in a dog fight towards making those changes. I’m certainly […]
That Old Familiar Feeling
Posted on June 1, 2018 Leave a Comment
Chronic pain by definition is pain that is ongoing for six months or more. I guess have it since it’s been wrecking my life and nervous system for over 2 1/2 years. I have not been sleeping soundly lately. My medications are making me dream constantly and feel like I’m semi-awake most of night. This […]
Health Update 5/31/18
Posted on May 31, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve now approached 32 1/2 months of dealing with this painful roller coaster ride. I continue to write things fresh in the moments as God leads. I’m still praying that my journey can benefit and encourage someone on their journey. I’m hoping my records of what’s going on now can testify to what God alone […]
Rejoice Even In The Pain
Posted on May 31, 2018 Leave a Comment
Pain is something I’m used to night and day. Trying to focus on anything is difficult especially with medication that keeps me foggy. This stuff changes your entire approach to life. I’ve been fighting with it all and through it all for almost 1000 days. However, I’ve finally reached a different way of coping. Now, […]
Growing Old Ain’t For Sissies
Posted on May 31, 2018 Leave a Comment
Earlier my beautiful bride drove me to my doctor’s appointment in Charleston. Of course, I had to correct her driving every other mile. I can promise you I don’t make a great passenger. Regardless, it’s simply what’s best for my health at this time. I wish someone would have warned me that my wife would […]
I’m Free Falling
Posted on May 30, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m living in a season of life totally beyond my experience, understanding and education. I may have a masters degree in theology, but I’m far from mastering anything in my life right now. As a person, husband, father, and pastor I have so far to go. When you add up all my inadequacies mixed with […]
I May Have CRPS/RSD
Posted on May 30, 2018 Leave a Comment
After reading this piece about CRPS/RSD I will definitely be talking with my doctor later today on my scheduled visit. I basically have every symptom on here and it has definitely been getting worse. My meds put me out for about two hours tonight and now I’ve woken up due to the itching and throbbing […]
My Hands Keep Breaking Out
Posted on May 30, 2018 Leave a Comment
Every time there is intense pain on my lower back nerves this happens. My hands start out covered in red dots and then just become beaming red. My left hand has actually been swelling in recent days. If the intensity doesn’t come down it breaks out on my forearms, feet and anywhere else it chooses. […]
I Really Feel God At Work
Posted on May 29, 2018 Leave a Comment
After spending over 15 hours straight in the bed I was able to capture over 9 hours of sleep. I got out the house for the first time in two days. I discovered two hours later what I already knew. My legs are so weak that I told my wife I may start using a […]
You Must Remember
Posted on May 29, 2018 1 Comment
I don’t know what you might be going through right now in your life. Maybe you’re in a lot of physical pain. Maybe emotionally you’re flat overwhelmed. Maybe your life circumstances feel like they will never change. Maybe you find yourself in the absolute fight of your life. Then, you definitely need to remember! You […]
Celebrating Freedom, Still In Pain
Posted on May 28, 2018 Leave a Comment
It’s been another uneventful day. I spent the first twelve hours in bed with only half of that time sleeping. I’ve spent the last six hours in the tub. I’ve already taken one Valium and I’m praying that I don’t have to take anymore. My body has been radiating with nerve pain all day long. […]
Dear Self
Posted on May 28, 2018 Leave a Comment
I write these kind of things to myself periodically. I strongly encourage you to do the same. May seem a little strange, but I believe you have to stay honest with yourself as often as possible. Just imagine you’re talking with someone else except that someone is you. If you can be truly honest this […]
Don’t Believe Everything You Think
Posted on May 28, 2018 Leave a Comment
According to my Fitbit my meds knocked me out for almost 3 hours. I thought I would sleep through the night. But, I’m wide awake with nerve pain running through my hands, legs, and feet. While I might not enjoy it physically, I’ve been doing so much better mentally lately. It’s like after I saw […]
I Can’t Do What I Once Did
Posted on May 28, 2018 1 Comment
Here I am laying on ice or heat for the 10th time since Sunday morning. While I have years of experience in ministry. Even though I can see the field with clearer vision than ever before. Despite knowing how to allow God to lead my every step. Regardless of all these things just trying to […]
No Matter What I’m All In
Posted on May 27, 2018 Leave a Comment
It never surprises me that it’s mainly Saturday nights that I struggle to get to sleep. I’ve got enough nighttime meds in me to put down a grizzly bear. Plus I took most of my nighttime meds almost 3 hours ago. Typically I would have been out by now. The only night I need rest […]
Officially Call Me Psycho
Posted on May 26, 2018 Leave a Comment
Imagine a strong electrical current running through your entire body. I’m not talking about anything created by my spinal cord stimulator. I’m talking something that with or without my stimulator runs like a river through my veins. Every moment of my life I’m living on the edge of a very tall cliff. All it takes […]
Another Stimulator Change
Posted on May 26, 2018 Leave a Comment
Last night about 2am in the morning I had to adjust my stimulator again. I was not just hurting, but I was very nauseous not even four hours after moving my stimulator setting from a 4 to a 6. I immediately knew I was being over stimulated so I got my wife to turn it […]
PLEASE HELP ME
Posted on May 26, 2018 2 Comments
Last night I had a series of dreams. Not about imaginary things but of things I’ve observed in the past that still deeply move my heart in the present. In these dreams were people I had the joy of helping throughout Colleton County back when my health was much better. It was as if each […]
Stimulator Adjustments
Posted on May 26, 2018 Leave a Comment
Last night I turned my stimulator up from a 2 to a 4 and I do believe it’s kept me sane. Earlier I moved it back up to a 6 which was originally where I had it before I had to dial it down due to over stimulation. I sometimes won’t know until 24-72 hours […]
I Rediscovered Something
Posted on May 26, 2018 Leave a Comment
Today, I got out the house for the first time in five days. I had an 11am counseling appointment that was an hour drive one way. When I got back home four hours later I got my haircut. Physically I’m still breathing hard and my lower body is exhausted. My physical pain is just as […]
“But, Look What God Is Doing”
Posted on May 25, 2018 Leave a Comment
I just left from seeing my counselor for like the 25th time throughout my painful journey. It’s such a blessing to be able to share your heartaches, struggles and fears without feeling any condemnation. Many times God has used this man to be His Still small voice of comfort and confirmation. Today God used him […]
I Understand A Lot Better Now
Posted on May 25, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve been by the bedside of hundreds of very sick and dying people. I always sought to meet each person with sincere love, compassion and encouragement. I always sought more to understand than to be understood. Man, if God were to allow me those opportunities again I would meet them all with so much more […]
Will Life Ever Be The Same?
Posted on May 25, 2018 Leave a Comment
I would imagine this is a question that many ask themselves after a deep sense of loss. I know many feel this way after the loss of a very close loved one. Crazy thing is I’ve not had any recent loss of a loved one. No one in my strong circle of family or friends […]
Frozen By Design
Posted on May 24, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve always been a very decisive guy. I typically see things real clearly. However, you get enough thrown your way and your mind is gonna hit overload. I’m just not physically, mentally, or emotionally where I can handle much more. I literally feel frozen as pain limits me, medication fogs me, and life’s demands overwhelm […]
I’m Such A Weak Man
Posted on May 24, 2018 Leave a Comment
USC’s star running back Marcus Lattimore spoke some of the most powerful words when he said, “adversity introduces a man to himself.” Well, I’ve definitely been introduced to myself and I don’t like what I see. I’m so weak it’s pitiful. All this time I thought I was strong, but I have no strength of […]
Late Night Freakout
Posted on May 24, 2018 1 Comment
Had already had an evening full of torment. Was just excited to finally go to sleep. Was in a very deep sleep for 1hr and 45 minutes only to be woken up feeling like my body was being electrocuted. My stimulator was turned down the past 24 hours simply because I got tired of feeling […]
The Pain Runs So Deep
Posted on May 24, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve said before that the best chance at me having even a somewhat bearable day is to shorten my day. Well, I got things started off right by sleeping from 3am to 2pm. Even still I woke up with my legs continuously throbbing. I have no answers to this painful reality. All I know is […]
God Did It Again
Posted on May 22, 2018 Leave a Comment
I just finished about 45 minutes of pool therapy. My mind is in a much better place as a result. I had to make myself go because I had to get out the house. I spent way to long dancing with the devil and swallowing his lies. I know the fight is far from […]
My Fight Is Gone
Posted on May 22, 2018 1 Comment
I’m no longer going to call anyone and burden them with my misery. I’m not looking for pity or just trying to get attention. My nervous system has completely crashed and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I’m holding on to Jesus for dear life as satan is coming at me from every angle. […]
Unedited Prayer
Posted on May 22, 2018 Leave a Comment
Lord, I’m coming to you with all that’s on my mind and heart. I really don’t know I can keep going on feeling this way. Then again I don’t know how I’ve made it this far. Had to be You that has carried me the past 32 months. You know I’ve been one step away […]
I’m Struggling To Pray
Posted on May 22, 2018 Leave a Comment
Ever find yourself so out of breath and miserable you can hardly pray. I’m struggling once again to even utter a sentence pray for myself or situation. The misery has gone on so long that I’m losing hope. The agony is so great that I’m consumed with nothing but pain anytime I’m awake. Pain at […]
I Hate/Like My Stimulator
Posted on May 22, 2018 Leave a Comment
I really don’t know how I feel about my stimulator anymore. I’ve found if I completed turn it off I can barely breath through the pain. If I run it very low I have to deal with more pain. And if I turn it up enough to eliminate certain pain then I’m having to deal […]
How Much Longer Lord?
Posted on May 22, 2018 Leave a Comment
I was praying I was closer to my happy ending. It appears things could actually be getting worse. My torment just keeps lingering. Today has been pure Hell and I’ve only hurt more with each passing minute. The human side of me is tempted to ask “what have I done to deserve this misery?” I’m […]
Jesus Fell Asleep On Me
Posted on May 22, 2018 Leave a Comment
I believe we always find ourselves in one of three zones. We’re either headed for a storm, in a storm, or just got through a storm. There is one more zone which I find myself in right now. I’m in the eye of the storm which is that zone most overwhelming, frightening, and constantly painful. […]
No Longer Me
Posted on May 21, 2018 Leave a Comment
A few years ago I could handle pretty much any crisis that came my way. Whether it be a sudden death, marriage crisis, or being the bearer of extremely bad news. It wasn’t that I enjoyed all those things happening, but I found great joy in helping others when they needed it the most. I […]
One Step Away
Posted on May 21, 2018 Leave a Comment
Often we find ourselves feeling just one step away from falling apart. Somehow God always saves the day.
Another Eventful Day
Posted on May 21, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well, I started out my day very grateful for the 6 hours sleep I got last night. Then, I headed to church to preach a message God had already burned in my heart. I knew if I could just stay out of God’s way lives would be changed. Both services were full as I shared […]
Relentless Pain
Posted on May 20, 2018 Leave a Comment
It’s 11:30pm Saturday and it’s just another night on pain island. I made sure I took all my sleepy time and breakthrough pain medications over 2 1/2 hours ago. Still , the pain in my lower back has not been phased nor can it be ignored. When will it stop always comes to my mind. […]
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Posted on May 19, 2018 Leave a Comment
The week has been tough and the days have been long. Today, I’ve spent most of my time in the bed and the rest of my day in the tub. The bad news is my discomfort is steady. The great news is I’ve shed no tears all day. Knock on wood, the dam of insane […]
Thank You Jesus For 421
Posted on May 19, 2018 Leave a Comment
The best way to ever wake up is saying and meaning the words “Thank You Jesus.” I went to bed in great pain and discomfort. I’m so grateful for every second of the 4 hours and 21 minutes God just allowed me to sleep. My body was very exhausted so it wasn’t the most sound […]
Desperate For Compassion
Posted on May 19, 2018 Leave a Comment
This afternoon I had another very big appointment. One that I knew was going to be even tougher due to a night of constant pain and very little sleep. I walked in with my legs extremely heavy, lower back aching, and my nerves nearly shot. During the 1 1/2 hour drive there I just prayed […]
Mixed Emotions
Posted on May 18, 2018 Leave a Comment
What I’m about to share is not for some pity party. Nor, is about saying my problems are greater than your problems. Honestly, my one and only greatest problem is the state of my health. However, that one problem affects every area of my life. In fact, it affects every person I hold dear in […]
The Dam May Be Breaking Again
Posted on May 18, 2018 Leave a Comment
According to my Fitbit I’ve slept almost 2 1/2 hours. I’m now sitting up in my bed just trying to catch my breath. Every night my dreams keep getting more and more intense. As if I need anymore intensity running throughout my nerve stricken body. I’ve now had my stimulator turned down for several hours […]
Another Big Appointment
Posted on May 18, 2018 Leave a Comment
Later today my mom will be taking me to Columbia for a full physical evaluation. I have no idea what exercises or tests might be in front of me. All I know is the wrong movements will stir up my nerves even worst and hurt very badly. I’m praying I can get some good sleep […]
A Prisoner In My Own Body
Posted on May 18, 2018 Leave a Comment
Heigh-Ho! Heigh-Ho! Back in the tub I go! I know it doesn’t sound so bad unless you’ve been enduring this for 32 months straight. The intensity of my nerves raging throughout my body has only increased the past few days. In fact, the throbbing in my tailbone has even returned to some degree. I literally […]
Walking Through A Clouded Valley
Posted on May 17, 2018 Leave a Comment
My body has literally been vibrating all day with nerve pain. My vision and mind have been constantly clouded. The sound of my own voice makes my own body hurt more. I’ve tried to adjust my spinal cord stimulator but nothing has made any difference. It’s as if I’m plugged into an electrical outlet and […]
Laughter Is Medicine For The Soul
Posted on May 17, 2018 Leave a Comment
I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed. By 6:30am my nerve pain was raging throughout my body and I hadn’t even gotten out the bed. Quickly it reached a point when I knew mixed with my other morning meds I needed to take a Valium to keep it from reaching […]
A Breaker Must Be Tripped
Posted on May 16, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve not even gotten out of bed yet and my nerve pain is already on the edge of insane. It has nothing to do with anything on my mind. It has nothing to do with anything I have done. I’ve only slept a little over four hours and my body simply can’t function on that […]
Scared Of The Future
Posted on May 16, 2018 Leave a Comment
I believe most of us today have a fear of many things. We especially worry about what the future might hold. When it comes to our family, finances, and health just to name a few. So much going on around us on the outside triggers our deepest concerns on the inside. It is […]
Forced To Regroup
Posted on May 16, 2018 1 Comment
When life throws you a curve ball you’re often forced to regroup. Especially if what happens takes you by total surprise. It’s amazing how just one life event can force so much change. In just a moment everything you once knew as normal can be flipped upside down. Then, it takes quite some time to […]
Back To Where I Started
Posted on May 15, 2018 1 Comment
Last night I went to bed with as deep of pain as ever. My nervous system was shot. My body hurt any direction I tried to turned. I took all the medication doctors had prescribed. I went to bed with a heating pad on my back and my wife holding my hand. I chose not […]
Lord Grant Me Favor
Posted on May 15, 2018 Leave a Comment
Today was a very intense day for me. I had a very important meeting with one of my doctors and some others. Discussed was my past, present, and potential future medical care. I felt like I was hearing about a very sad journey that has still not found a very happy ending. Anytime you hear […]
Where Do I Begin
Posted on May 14, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve got one of those weeks ahead that I would love to bypass. Nothing I can get into detail about on social media. I’m still just in a total dog fight physically, emotionally, mentally, and for certain spiritually. There is no doubt that the enemy hopes at any point that I will simply wave my […]
Sporadic Meltdowns
Posted on May 13, 2018 Leave a Comment
I felt it coming through every fiber within me. Every muscle in my back has become spastic. My legs have been throbbing with pain. It’s like dealing with a surge you just can’t stop or avoid. Even the slightest bit of stress leads to my meltdown. Earlier I was just simply looking back over the […]
Humility Matters
Posted on May 13, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve been in the ministry for 25 years. Fortunately, over that time I’ve learned that you don’t have to know it all you just need to know who does. You don’t need to do God’s job for Him. You need to let God do His job through you. Even still, life continues to humble me […]
Keep Pressing & Keep Believing
Posted on May 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m certain that last night I had a complete neurological breakdown. When I woke up this morning it was as if my body was just shot from what I refer to as a neurological seizure. These things fry me mentally and physically. It’s as if someone burned all my nerves up inside from head to […]
A Tribute To My Mom
Posted on May 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
This past Mother’s day I felt led to reflect on how thankful I am for my mom. This is not an exhaustive list by far. But, it’s 5 of the things I love most about my mom. These things have been demonstrated all my life and I’m grateful God chose her to be my mom. […]
Why I Choose To Be Transparent
Posted on May 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
Praise God I slept the past 5 1/2 hours according to my Fitbit. Just woke up about an hour after my 6am medicine alarm went off. And I immediately asked my wife “you know it’s almost 7am and the kids are gonna be late to school?” She says, “It’s Saturday the kids don’t have school.” […]
Grief Is Always A Process
Posted on May 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m not sure I agree with the statement “time heals all wounds.” That’s definitely not true concerning all griefs in this life. Some things you don get over, but God carries you through. With time some things may get a little easier. But, anytime you’re grieving the loss of someone or something you can’t reverse […]
Overwhelmed By Present Reality
Posted on May 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
Today has been another really long day. I’ve spent another 5-6 hours in the tub. I spent several hours researching and chasing hopes of a brighter tomorrow that all ended in roadblocks and letdowns. I’ve had moments of joy and counting many blessings. I’ve prayed and prayed over many things. And, I’ve had one continuous […]
My Desperate Prayer
Posted on May 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
Dear Heavenly Father, I long ago reached the absolute most I could handle. I can’t even recall the last time I didn’t feel like I was hanging on by a very thin thread. For the longest time I tried to hide it as best you can when your body and mind are an absolute wreck. […]
Another Mountain To Climb
Posted on May 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well, I’ve made several more phone calls including calling the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. The more I hear the more I’m not hearing what I would like to hear. Simply the fact that I’m still dealing with workman’s compensation makes this a huge mess. They are not even willing to see me for an […]
Not What I Wanted To Hear
Posted on May 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well that was just a bummer! Just received a call from the Mayo Clinic office in Jacksonville, FL and they said they don’t accept my particular insurance. I would have to put down a minimum of $5,000 as a self-paying patient just to be seen initially. And then any further testing needed would come out […]
Restoring Joy & Peace
Posted on May 11, 2018 1 Comment
I’ve realized something about myself recently. Sometimes we can be in such a long season of pain that we allow it to steal our joy. It’s not that we aren’t blessed, but in our hearts we’re just more bummed. Especially if we have something physically or emotionally draining us for so long. That something begins […]
I Finally Made The First Move
Posted on May 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well, it’s official I’ve finally requested an appointment at the Mayo Clinic. Hoping to get initially evaluated at the Jacksonville, FL location. Then, if need be I will head to their main campus in Rochester, Minnesota. I just finally felt up to even filling out some basic information online. We’ll see how this works moving […]
Love Broke Through Again
Posted on May 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
Today has been such a blessing. While I may still deal with constant nerve sensations the insane pain near my tailbone is completely gone. I’m talking no sign all day of it even slightly being there. I have continued to rest my body per doctor’s orders. But, the fact I have no lingering pain from […]
Getting Rid Of A Guilty Conscience
Posted on May 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve often said satan makes us feel guilty, but God makes us feel convicted. What’s the difference? Conviction is when we know something needs to change in our heart or life. Conviction can lead to a much needed positive change. Feeling guilty just pure leaves miserable over things. It’s when you just beat yourself up […]
Nighttime Update
Posted on May 10, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well, I’ve taken all the good stuff and I’m just waiting on it to completely kick in. I’ve not slept a wink all day as laying in the bed is just not easy for me right now. Can’t lay down flat on my back, on my side, or sit up without something hurting. I do […]
I No Longer Hope In My Situation
Posted on May 10, 2018 1 Comment
I’m about to say something that might sound like I’m losing my faith, but I’m not. Let me clarify myself. I am losing my faith in what I can do to change my situation. I am losing my faith in what doctors can do for my situation. It appears that every move I make leads […]
What If I Were Healthy?
Posted on May 9, 2018 Leave a Comment
Right this moment I’m simply trying to do anything I can to take my mind off my pain. I’ve decided to do a little dreaming and praying. What if I didn’t feel absolutely miserable? What if I could do anything that didn’t involve this bed of misery? What if I were healthy enough to do […]
A Literal Pain In The Butt
Posted on May 9, 2018 Leave a Comment
Got back home a few hours ago from getting my pain shot. Gonna have to ice 20 minutes every hour for sure. They literally injected the shot directly into in the tailbone area to ensure it has a chance to tackle that lower nerve root. It definitely hurt and still hurts a lot more than […]
Still In The Waiting Room
Posted on May 9, 2018 1 Comment
Life around me keeps flying by like a rocket. I’m doing everything I possibly can to keep up. I give my absolute best with every step I can take. However, whether it be my 6am, 2pm, 8pm, or 10pm medicine alarms they all find me still in much pain. Over the past 32 months I’ve […]
Uncomfortable In My Own Skin
Posted on May 9, 2018 Leave a Comment
While my nerves at least settled down some earlier my body has never been able to rest. Even after two Valium earlier my heart is starting to pound again. This nerve sensation just makes you feel so ill, touchy, and somewhat unpredictable. You just don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. I can still feel […]
The Devil Must Be Real Scared
Posted on May 8, 2018 Leave a Comment
My wife just spoke to me words she’s never said in our 25 years of dating, marriage or ministry. She said, “All I know is the devil must be real scared of you!” It was kind of hard for me to respond verbally seeing as how pain has presently knocked the air out my sails. […]
When The Pain Is Insane
Posted on May 8, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m praying the Valium I took will settle me down soon. And, I’m believing the prayers of many will accomplish the rest. Outside of just pure misery this level of nerve pain crushes my spirit deep within. As strong as my faith is I’m still human. Each time I feel I’m headed towards the mountain […]
Still Praying For A Miracle
Posted on May 8, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve experienced this countless times and it’s still hard to explain. I’ve been in the tub or bed since last night. Presently my lower back, legs and feet feel like they are plugged up to an electrical outlet with very high voltage. About 30 minutes ago my phone rang and I attempted to answer it. […]
The Rain Keeps Pouring But…
Posted on May 8, 2018 Leave a Comment
Just as I suspected I’m right back in this tub again. Was only out the house maybe four to five hours and my body is shot. It’s all it takes these days to totally melt me down. That’s without driving myself anywhere and only standing up for a little while. However. hardships are a constant […]
In Over My Head
Posted on May 8, 2018 1 Comment
Henry Blackaby once asked, “Will God ever ask you to do something you are not able to do? The answer is yes–all the time! It must be that way, for God’s glory and kingdom. If we function according to our ability alone, we get the glory; if we function according to the power of the […]
Where Have I Been?
Posted on May 7, 2018 1 Comment
Well, I know you guys have not heard from me in a few days. I’ve got a few reasons for that happening. One, I kinda hit a dry spell where God just wasn’t putting anything on my heart to write. Two, I’ve just felt it best that I not dwell on my pain all the […]
I Hate Disappointing Others
Posted on May 4, 2018 Leave a Comment
Unless you’re a Pastor you might not fully understand the following. I’ve been in the ministry for 25 years. I’m not just used to being there for people, but I love being there for people. I know I’ve been called by God. Therefore helping people find peace with God runs deep through my veins. However, […]
Back To Reality
Posted on May 4, 2018 Leave a Comment
I hate this feeling more every time. Once again I took enough meds to knock out a horse hours ago. My legs have been killing me the entire time with no sign of that changing. My battery site and lower back are distributing their normal pain. All of it just keeps me miserable by the […]
Time For Some “GOD” News
Posted on May 3, 2018 Leave a Comment
Many that follow me know that life has been beyond difficult for me lately. Honestly, deep in my heart I’ve just been so sad and feeling hopeless. Every step has been painful. The terrible flare ups of itching had returned. Greater pain in my lower nerve endings has come back as I await another pain […]
The Best Medicine
Posted on May 3, 2018 Leave a Comment
After hours in the tub, a Valium and continuous prayer my nerves are way more settled than earlier. Hopefully my nighttime meds actually kick in soon tonight. I just can’t imagine enduring another all nighter. The past two nights I’ve not slept a wink before 4am. The past 6 days straight have been really hard […]
It’s Getting Much Darker In The Closet
Posted on May 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
Please allow me to be human. I can finally see why people have breaking points. I’ve been one step away from my own for quite awhile. But, it’s getting so much harder to breath, handle, and continue processing. Presently, I’m not living, I’m simply surviving. I do whatever I can to make it through the […]
I’ve God A Bug Zapper Inside Me
Posted on May 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
I remember clearly something my grandparents had hanging underneath their outside carport. It was a blue fluorescent light in something shaped like a small bird cage. If any bugs got near it they didn’t have a chance at survival. When any got near the light it would start zapping them with some kind of electrical […]
My Life Feels On Hold
Posted on May 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
Every second of my life has revolved around my health issues for going on 32 months. In the past 5 1/2 months alone I’ve gone to 30 different health appointments and travelled over 2350 miles to get to them. This does not even count all the attempts at exercise, sleep, and recovery. I put together […]
I’m Sure I Have PTSD
Posted on May 2, 2018 Leave a Comment
I can feel that old familiar sensation rising in my bones. Not just what I experienced last night, but so many nights the past 2 1/2 years. The first time your nerve pain takes you by total surprise. The next time your nervous system is wrecked it still takes you by some surprise. The next […]
After 17 Hours
Posted on May 1, 2018 Leave a Comment
I was able to get around 9 hours of sleep over the past 17 hours of up and down pain. But, I believe I’ve at least got my spinal cord stimulator back on track and my nerve pain bearable for the moment. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your prayers. […]
I Experienced A Glimpse Of Hell
Posted on May 1, 2018 1 Comment
I don’t even know where to begin. Last night was absolute living Hell. Feeling bad is one thing, but having no way to stop internal flames throughout your lower body is indescribable. I ended having to turn off my spinal stimulator for over 6 hours due to over stimulation. Plus o had no answer or […]
Under Attack
Posted on May 1, 2018 Leave a Comment
While feeling intoxicated by meds, yet with no relief I’ve got my hands in the air. I’m crying out to God as my legs constantly feel like they plugged into an electrical outlet. That’s why I just flipped my stimulator completely off. It was working so well before! I know for certain that I’m under […]
It’s Where He Is Today
Posted on May 1, 2018 Leave a Comment
His pain has gone on for oh so long He just doesn’t know how to keep holding on The nights are getting worse and the days very long He knows that he is weak, but only Jesus is strong By grace he has made it even crawling to this point His faith is somewhat faded […]
Please God Take This Away
Posted on May 1, 2018 Leave a Comment
It’s been maybe an hour since my exhausted body fell asleep. I just finally had to wale up and take a Valium hoping to take the edge off my pain. My lower body hurts so bad and I just can’t understand the intensity of the pain. I’ve done absolutely nothing and have no clue why […]
My Days Never Go As Planned
Posted on May 1, 2018 Leave a Comment
After spending several hours in the tub for relief I thought I felt up to watching a one hour comedy with my wife. After all, I’m typically not up to going out on a date or doing much else anymore. So, I figured I would seize my moment of strength and enjoy some laughs together. […]
I Might Move To Minnesota
Posted on April 30, 2018 Leave a Comment
Today doctor’s visit was somewhat of a turning point. At least when it comes to my future care. My surgeon said, “I’m afraid we’ve all done all that we can do to get you better. That doesn’t mean you can’t possibly get some better, but right now there is no more need for more surgery. […]
Trusting God In The Waiting
Posted on April 30, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m presently in the waiting room at my surgeon’s office. So much on my mind and heart. In fact, I’ve never felt at more of a crossroads in my life. This is such an important appointment that could determine so much of my future health. I’m praying every moment I breathe in and out. While […]
The Scariest Feeling
Posted on April 30, 2018 Leave a Comment
For the second time during the night I had the scariest feeling I’ve had so far during my recovery process. I felt my back going out in the most vulnerable area of my back. Deep within the very fiber of where I had my L5 S1 fusion. It’s honestly a feeling I can’t fully describe. […]
I Declare Victory
Posted on April 30, 2018 Leave a Comment
I told my wife “hey it’s time for you to get up and get the kids ready for school.” In between her snoring all I got was a “huh.” I then looked at my watch and realized it’s just 12:19am, not 6:19am as my sleepy eyes thought before. As bad as my body is hurting […]
Health Update 4/29/18
Posted on April 29, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well, I believe over 5 hours straight in the tub is long enough. It’s the only thing giving me relief for now. Heading to see my surgeon tomorrow afternoon at 4:15pm. We’ll be taking a look at my recent Myelogram. I have no idea what to expect or if it can really show the extent […]
A 13 Year Old Prayer Angel
Posted on April 29, 2018 Leave a Comment
By the grace of God, I made it through both Sunday services. It was all I could do to not fall apart emotionally the entire first service due to my extreme nerve pain. Afterwards, I made my way as quickly as possible to my church office to catch my breath. I wasn’t in there but […]
Praise You Jesus
Posted on April 29, 2018 Leave a Comment
By the grace of God I slept through most of the night. However, I did wake up with my nerve pain still blaring. It’s already in my hands and my feet which have not even hit the floor yet. All I can pray is for God’s amazing grace upon me today. This morning I will […]
Dear Counselor
Posted on April 29, 2018 Leave a Comment
Where do I begin? First of all, please excuse the fact that I feel like I’m gonna lose my mind any minute. I’m so miserable and tired of this misery. While I used to feel like I had some patience that patience has left the building. Yes, I know I sound like I’m right on […]
Desperate For Relief
Posted on April 29, 2018 Leave a Comment
I finally walked out the house earlier to get a bite to eat with my wife. I was hesitant to go anywhere seeing as how the nerve pain in my tailbone area won’t allow a step without breath taking pain. There was one point inside the restaurant I thought for sure I would start sobbing […]
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Posted on April 28, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m officially back to spending most of my days in either the bed or the bath. I’m just glad the tub can still bring me relief. The tub alone keeps me from having to pop a lot more pills. Trust me, going over 31 months with this level of pain without being hooked on any […]
Real & Raw Take 10,000
Posted on April 28, 2018 Leave a Comment
Please allow me once again just to process out loud how I feel at the moment. The following doesn’t mean I’m losing faith or that I always feel this way. I’m just a firm believer that confession is key to healing. And, I’ve got a lot to get off my chest now so I can […]
No Way To Ignore This
Posted on April 28, 2018 Leave a Comment
It’s 3:30am and unfortunately I’m not dreaming. I am struggling even to roll my body to my right or left. This nerve pain in the tailbone area is no joke. It’s demanding my attention. Even to walk to the bathroom and back is very painful. This area has never hurt like this before or at […]
Just Shaking My Head
Posted on April 28, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m used to waking up in the morning before taking my meds with my tailbone throbbing. Why? Because there is a major nerve ending there in connection with my main issue my L5 S1 disc. Typically that pain goes away once my meds settle into my system. However, I’m afraid that feeling in an even […]
DOCTOR VISITS & DECISIONS, DECISIONS
Posted on April 27, 2018 Leave a Comment
I wonder why I feel like I’ve spent my life at a doctor’s office! Over the past 5 1/2 months alone I’ve gone to 30 different appointments at some type of health facility. All of that precious time has only made my attempts at recovery even tougher. The worst thing for me to have to […]
Just Another Run Around Visit
Posted on April 26, 2018 Leave a Comment
I had another visit with my pain specialist today. First words out of his mouth were “What are you here to see me about?” I said, “Well, I was hoping you knew the reason for this scheduled visit.” He replied, “I guess it’s just another one of those visits scheduled by workman’s compensation.” I then […]
I’m Wide Awake Because
Posted on April 26, 2018 1 Comment
I’m certain I’ve not fallen asleep in over two years without some strong medication assisting that process. So, here I am at 2am still counting sheep. Why? Because I didn’t take my usual nighttime meds early enough. They are in my system now otherwise I would still be sitting up in my bed come 6am. […]
Keep Fighting The Good Fight
Posted on April 26, 2018 Leave a Comment
I believe the moment you quit fighting the good fight you really quit living for what matters. As long as there is breath in your lungs God has a purpose for your life. You might not always feel like it, but God is always at work around you. He invites you to join forces with […]
I Hate Feeling This Way, But
Posted on April 25, 2018 Leave a Comment
It’s been a rough evening overall. My body is just out of sorts since my recent Myelogram. I’m sure it will eventually change, but I always hate this feeling. My nervous system often feels on fire within. It makes me so uncomfortable in my own skin from head to toe. Pondering living the rest of […]
After My Myelogram
Posted on April 24, 2018 Leave a Comment
I finally had my Myelogram this morning starting around 9:30am. I took a Valium beforehand since I wasn’t sure how my nerve pain would respond. The injection of the contrast they put into my lower back was very painful at the beginning. The overall procedure was a breeze. Afterwards, I had to stay under observation […]
In Jesus Name I Pray
Posted on April 24, 2018 Leave a Comment
Well, today is the day I get my Myelogram. I’ve got to be at the hospital at 8:30am. My procedure doesn’t start until 9:30am. I could be there most of the day depending on how I do during the hours of observation following. At least I know I want be told that can’t finish it […]
There Is No Easy Button
Posted on April 23, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’ve never been more certain of what God would have me to do with my life. And, while the mind may see the playing field clearer than ever I’m simply weaker than ever. I represent Michael Jordan when it was time for him to retire versus in his prime time slam dunk days. My nerve […]
Worse Helps You Appreciate Better
Posted on April 23, 2018 1 Comment
If you’ve followed my journey you know I’ve had some pretty rough days. I’m talking countless days I just wished I could be knocked out. Moments that I wondered if I could take another second of the pain. Days that I couldn’t if I wanted hide the pain. Days that if it weren’t for the […]
Aiming Forward
Posted on April 22, 2018 Leave a Comment
Don’t dwell on what you can’t do. Ask yourself, what can I possibly do to bring about a positive change in my life? Set clear goals that you can aim to accomplish one day at a time. Recovery from anything is a process, never a one day event. Change happens one good decision at a […]
A God Made Day
Posted on April 21, 2018 1 Comment
Considering my constant soreness all the stars have lined up well today on my behalf. To begin with 11 1/2 hours of sleep changed things the most. It recharged me and shortened my day. I did not even walk out the house until after 2:30pm. I did not drive much and I got at least […]
Finding Hope When Things Don’t Change
Posted on April 20, 2018 Leave a Comment
I would be lying if I didn’t admit this entire journey has made my faith feel bogged down. It’s just human nature that after awhile of fighting the same battle you’re tempted to quit believing things can change. You wonder if your prayers even matter. Your Bible feels a little heavier to pick up and […]
Just Hold On
Posted on April 20, 2018 Leave a Comment
Seems I’ve been at the edge of this very tall cliff forever. Actually it’s been 934 days of major nerve pain to be exact. For most of those days I’ve felt just one step away from collapsing. Today has been no exception as my strength is fading and my faith is so weak. Yet, all […]
The Wait Is Over
Posted on April 19, 2018 Leave a Comment
Some good news to end this day of craziness. I will get my CT Myelogram done this coming Tuesday, April 24th @ 9:30am. I have to be there at 8am and then have to stay there lying flat for 6 hours after the procedure. It will be difficult for me to lay flat on my […]
My Psychiatrist Needs A Psychiatrist
Posted on April 19, 2018 2 Comments
Today, I met for the second time with my Workman’s Compensation psychiatrist. My visit didn’t disappoint with plenty more drama and unbelievable moments. I arrived 25 minutes early before my scheduled visit. I was the only one in the waiting room and my psychiatrist was the only employee in the building. She was at the […]
Who Knows What Happens This Time
Posted on April 19, 2018 Leave a Comment
I’m sitting here waiting patiently for a scheduled 2pm visit with my psychiatrist. The only other time I met with this lady I was far from impressed. In fact, I left this office so did discouraged. I thought I was meeting with someone who was just caring about me, but I was wrong. I remember […]
My Body Keeps Failing Me
Posted on April 19, 2018 Leave a Comment
It’s 2am and my body is literally throbbing all over. Despite taking my knock you out for the night medication hours ago. Despite my stimulator running as well as ever recently. I just keep learning over and over again. I can’t drive or sit in any position more than 30 minutes without paying for it […]
Count It All Joy
Posted on April 18, 2018 1 Comment
Starting tomorrow I will be increasing my Amitriptyline daily dosage. I feel more confident with it than the Neurontin increase. Hopefully doesn’t give me any more fogginess than I have already. Starting back on my turmeric as well that I’ve never any issues with in the past. While my life may feel at a stand […]
Stay Alert My Friend
Posted on April 18, 2018 Leave a Comment
Praise God, the past 48 hours has not been terrible considering how I normally feel. I’ve actually felt somewhat normal for over a day. My spinal cord stimulator has been working well in tandem with my medications. However, we all know that things can change quickly. They abruptly did this afternoon. At first, I just […]
Doctor Visit Update 4/16/18
Posted on April 16, 2018 Leave a Comment
Today’s visit with my surgeon was interesting to say the least. You see, last week’s failed attempt at an MRI was followed by MUSC saying “we got such few images that we’re not even going to make any disc or charge Workman’s Compensation.” However, suddenly after my stunned stimulator rep checked in with my doctor […]
930 Long Days
Posted on April 16, 2018 Leave a Comment
Written: 4/15/18 – 11pm Well, it’s been a long day. Especially since 6:30am when my back totally gave out while all I did was attempt to tie my own shoes. Ever since this morning I’ve had to watch every move and pray that I don’t sneeze or cough. I guess my upper back got tired […]
Broken and Blessed
Posted on April 15, 2018 Leave a Comment
I know with just a word You could calm this storm for me. Yet for reasons not understood You’ve not finished this work in me. I fully trust your knowledge Your greatest plans at hand. I just hate the pain and suffering I’m such a broken man. Jesus, how did you do it? You gave […]
I’m Out Of Breath
Posted on April 15, 2018 Leave a Comment
I know many on here would love to just hear good news. However, the truth is sometimes life is nothing but hardship. That’s just the season I’m in right now. I simply feel terrible. Getting up, getting out, sleeping and even breathing is difficult right now. Every direction I turn right is a dead end […]
I Want To Go To The Zoo
Posted on April 14, 2018 Leave a Comment
The words of my 8yr old keep running through my head. He said several times yesterday to me and his momma the following. “But, I want daddy to go to the zoo with us this time. He didn’t get to go with us last week either.” I tried to let him know that daddy just […]
Help Me Choose Joy
Posted on April 14, 2018 Leave a Comment
The last 1 1/2 hours has not been good. Nerve pain rolling through like an unwelcome hurricane. You never get used to it you just get used to dealing with it. I hate to say it, but my best condition is called sleep. It still pains me to say those words, but it pains me […]
Thank You Jesus
Posted on April 14, 2018 Leave a Comment
Praise God for His continued mercy. For the second night in a row I do not have uncontrollable itching. Yes, I still have nerve pain and some itching. But, the insane stuff has ceased since eliminating everything I could think of to determine my greatest allergy. I still don’t know exactly which one thing I […]
Just Another Weekend
Posted on April 14, 2018 Leave a Comment
It’s 2:40am Saturday morning as I begin writing these words. However, according to my Fitbit I’ve been asleep since 8:43pm Friday night. I know my weekend sounds so exciting. I would love to tell you I went to sleep early just because I’ve had a rough week. But, I can’t tell you when the last […]
PRAISE GOD
Posted on April 13, 2018 1 Comment
After temporarily Eliminating all my supplements, stopping my extra daily dose of Neurontin, limiting my time in the tub, keeping my legs and feet from drying out with lotion, and taking Benadryl I’m happy to say the itching was contained all night. I’ve slept a total of 8 hours and 11 minutes. I will discover […]
A Constant Nightmare
Posted on April 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
The constant aching, itching, and disbelief moments just won’t stop. I wish it was just a dream, but my body reminds me its a reality. My lower back feels I’ve been kicked repeatedly by a pair of steel toe boots. My skin feels right on the verge of a wildfire. And, my stress odometer is […]
You Gotta To See It To Believe It
Posted on April 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
Folks you just can’t make this stuff up. This time I was in the MRI machine for over an hour. Beforehand the tech lady told me that outside of an MRI on someone’s brain they had never in their history attempted an MRI on this low of level specs on anyone’s back/spine . After things […]
Walking Through Fire
Posted on April 12, 2018 Leave a Comment
I won’t go into every detail, but there are no words for my current situation except warfare. Over the past few weeks I’ve been attacked every possible way. Physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, and all at once. It’s obvious satan hopes I’ll either go insane, quit believing, or kill myself. Maybe all of the above in […]
In My Distress
Posted on April 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
It literally feels like I have electricity hooked up to my legs and feet. It’s obvious that my stimulator has me vibrating from within. I contacted my rep who adjusted things this morning. But, she said let’s try to leave it at the setting it’s on until tomorrow. I promised to do my best as […]
I’m Done Asking Why
Posted on April 11, 2018 Leave a Comment
Anyone observing the past 31 months of my life would observe one theme “chaos.” There is great reason for me to blame and question doctors every step of the way. Honestly, the madness is so unexplainable that I’ve reached a new perspective. I will not spend the little energy I have questioning every past decision […]
Pastor Craig Crosby 